


the sound of a bullet cuts through silence

by r4m3nlvr



Series: brothers in spirit [1]
Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Action, Angst, Anxiety, Brotherhood, Drugs, Gen, Non-Graphic Violence, SB19 as family, SecretAgent!AU, mentions of torture, please read the warnings in the summary, undercover!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 47,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23840317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr
Summary: (the SB19 as secret agents AU nobody asked for)Five highly-skilled young men must each put their knowledge and wits to the test to defeat a common enemy. Will they be able to unite for their mission, especially when one of them is captured? warnings for: anxiety, drugs, non-graphic depictions of violence, guns, torture, and mediocre writing
Relationships: OT5 - Relationship, Protective SB19, SB19 as family - Relationship
Series: brothers in spirit [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800022
Comments: 74
Kudos: 27





	1. prologue: you aim, i pull the trigger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very self-indulgent. if i don't write about this i won't sleep well until i do.
> 
> warnings for: drugs, violence, guns, and mediocre writing

**PROLOGUE: you aim, i pull the trigger**

  
The sound of gunshots could be heard echoing in the indoor firing range. One shot. Then another. And another.

Stell readjusted his gym bag which hung on his right shoulder slackly. He could guess who would be practicing his shots at 7AM. Only a few people were that hardworking, but only one hasn't gotten his firearms license yet. He approached the last stall which was pressed up against the walls of the room. 

There, with his milky pale skin a stark contrast to the dark gray walls of the firing range, was Justin. He was leaning against the ledge, eyes trained on the sheet of paper approaching him. 

_Clank! Clank! Clank!_ The sound that the target carrier made as its pulleys moved bounced off the bullet-proof walls. Justin was so focused on his target that he didn't notice Stell come up behind him.

" _Think fast, Jah_!" Stell announced loudly, left hand swiftly aiming to jab at Justin's side.

Justin only had under half a second to register Stell, his stance, and the blow that would be connecting with his left rib. In that split second, Justin's body moved on its own. He stepped back, left hand moving to wantonly block Stell's jab. 

When his brain finally caught up to what was happening, Justin firmly grabbed Stell's wrist and gave Stell a surprised look. "What the-- _hoy po_!"

The two were locked in that position until Stell retracted his hand and placed it on Justin's cheek. Stell pulled. "Good block!"

" _Owwww_ ~" Justin complained, but didn't make any motion to bat Stell's hand away. "You're such a cheat, Stell. I wasn't even ready."

"Why? Do you think they'll go easy on you when you're in the field?" the older agent replied. "They won't, Jah. So you have to be focused."

Justin grimaced. "Yeah, I know, I know. I'm _trying_."

"But it was a good block. A bit soft, but it was good," Stell reaffirmed. "You've been working on your hand-to-hand?"

"By myself, when you're not around." Justin gave a confident smile.

"And you've improved on your mid-range shots, too." Stell checked the target that hung perfectly still on the carrier. It sported bullet holes all over, with no discernible pattern. "What is that, exactly?"

  
"I wanted to make a smiley face," Justin replied, then grimaced upon checking the paper once more. "But I think I made the two bullets on the side look like moles."

  
Stell laughed. Justin liked to create pictures on his targets, instead of aiming for pure or clean shots. Stell liked that the young agent was creative for a "soldier". Justin's mind was more imaginative than most people in their agency--one that Stell could only see was an asset in the field. But Justin was young and inexperienced. He would have to learn a lot more before he could become a _true asset_. Perhaps that was why they put him in this particular unit.

"What's up losers?!" called a high-pitched voice from the entrance of the firing range. 

Justin glanced at the door, both hands retrieving the target from the clamps. Stell leaned on the shooting booth, and acknowledged the newcomer by raising his hand. "'Sup?"

Josh approached the two with swag. He had both his hands gripping the backpack that looked too big on him. He did a quick dance towards Stell and Justin, a cheery spring in his step. "What are you two still doing here? Sejun called for a meeting at 7:30, didn't he?"

"We were on our way out. What's up with you?" Stell asked.

"I've been awake for almost 30 hours now," Josh said proudly. But Stell noticed the redness in his eyes. "Pretty sure it's not blood but coffee that's flowing in my veins now. But it's one of the perks of pretending to be a bartender, I guess. Free-flowing coffee."

"How's the stakeout?" Justin asked excitedly. "Any progress?"

The undercover agent suddenly looked tired despite the energy that he showed not even 30 seconds ago. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "I'll tell you guys in a bit. Right now, we should really just get to the briefing room before Sejun comes down here with a gun."

* * *

Josh managed to keep his eyes open as he relayed his report to the group, but only just. He was used to staying up late, being the sole member of the unit who did reconnaissance and undercover assignments. But the stress of having little resources as support for their experimental unit was slowly catching up to him.

He had no substitute in the field, unlike established groups who had hordes of people to backup for their agents. Their company had very few connections to bigger agencies. They hardly had any political clout in government sects. Doing what they wanted to do was hard enough without finances; it is close to impossible without the necessary support from the right people. 

Josh firmly believed that their team from an independent agency as small as theirs could make a positive change in the shit-hole called Earth, but he was unfortunately human. He could grow tired when he did too much.

And he _was_ tired. When he finally spoke the last sentence, his thoughts were only focused on getting his butt to the chair. If his team could read his thoughts now, he'd get teased for being such an old man.

Josh returned to his seat on one side of the table. Both Justin and Stell sat across him. Seated at the head position was their unit chief and leader, Sejun.

"So this basically confirms what we've been preempting from the start," Sejun stated calmly. "They'll start smuggling drugs through the backdoor of Zamboanga at the soonest possible time," he declared. He clasped his hands together and stared at the monitor right in front of him, in deep thought.

The small briefing room was quiet. The way Sejun said that statement sounded sure. And after years of training and working together, the trio knew that when their leader said things with finality, they will surely come to pass.

It was supposed to be a simple job. A surveillance job. Just observe the target's daily activities in Manila while he was there and report everything to the central office. But it was either because of luck or Josh being too good at his job that they accidentally uncovered the target's connections to high-profile drug lords in the government.

Josh had found this out by accident as he was "working" at the bar as part of his cover. Two men. One swift pass and a sleight of hand. They proceeded to take out their phones--technology, which Josh was good at. He sneakily went to the storeroom where he hid his tech, acted quickly enough to peek at their digital interaction, and caught what seemed to be the end of a financial transaction. With a little more digging, Josh had opened an entire chest of dirty secrets.

Observe. Report to central office. That was the job. And that's what Josh did; only this time, he had reported more than the central office bargained for. A month later, their surveillance was ending; but with the target returning to his base of operations in Zamboanga, the job just got a bit messier. It was no longer a surveillance, it was going to be an interception. An operation that shouldn't involve the government, whose key players were themselves part of the more tangled web of censorship, complications, and corruption. 

The job had to be quiet. It had to be clean. Something they believed their unit could do with their skills... but not with their connections.

"We _can't_ go to Zamboanga," Stell said. "We don't have enough people there. Do we even _have_ people there?"

"No," Sejun answered. "We don't."

"So do we report to central office that we're referring this assignment to a vice unit?" Justin asked. He was anxious at the prospect of being involved in such a dangerous mission, but at the same time excited to do his first major assignment.

"There has to be a way to even out the playing field," Sejun said. "We need more information. We need someone who knows more than we do about the situation. Someone with eyes and ears on the ground."

Josh sighed. He was tired, and he knew he would be more tired if he was going to say what he was thinking. But he said it anyway. "I know someone."

All eyes were on Josh now. "You do?" Sejun said. "One of ours?"

"No..." he said, voice laced with mild concern. "An... independent mercenary. I crossed paths with him on assignment. It was a long time ago."

Stell's eyes lit up in recognition. "You don't mean--"

"Yup," Josh replied. "But I can't guarantee he'll be willing to help. He's not exactly easy to talk to."

"Who? Who are you talking about?" Justin asked. Sejun looked as if he was asking the same question.

"I have an old contact. Nice guy, good set of skills." Josh heaved a heavy sigh. "But lazy as _frick_."

"Name?" Sejun asked.

"He doesn't reveal his real name," Josh started. "We just call him _Ken_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sejun as a secret agent]
> 
> Agent Profile: Sejun  
> Agent No: SB-05416  
> Full name: [REDACTED]  
> Age: [REDACTED]  
> Assignment: Unit chief  
> Background: [REDACTED]  
> Strengths: Shooting (all ranges), hand-to-hand combat  
> Other Notes: Command-tower, main strategist; do not antagonize


	2. i would gladly play mind games with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to cut this chapter in half because it's too long. but then again, i am not capable of writing short chapters.
> 
> warnings for: apathy to social issues, mediocre and unproofed writing
> 
> (enter ken, because sb19 will not be sb19 without ken)

**FIRST BULLET: i would gladly play mind games with you**

_What time is it_? Ken thought to himself when he was fully awake. His hands immediately groped for his phone on the space above his head. _Where is that thing any--aha_! 

Ken already had the feeling that today would not be a good day when he opened his phone and saw that there was no new episode for the anime he was currently following. He mentally 'tsk'-ed. _So much for that_ , he thought. No use stressing himself over it. He opted to replay old episodes of his favorites.

He was on his way to the receiving area of his one-bedroom studio apartment when he saw a lone figure standing there, his back to Ken, looking out of the window.

_What the actual fuck_?

Three things crossed Ken's mind all at once. 

One, that this person to knows Ken's real address told him this guy was a professional. He's got skills to track and trace. Two, he needed something from Ken--that much was evident. People who came to Ken always needed something. It was only a matter of ' _what_ ', as Ken rarely ever asked ' _why_ '. Three, he was not there to fight... at least not yet. If he really wanted to harm Ken, he had all the chances when Ken was still sleeping. Not that he would have it easy, either. Ken might be a sound sleeper, but he was no easy kill.

"Uhm..." Ken began tentatively, "I don't cater to clients in my home."

The figure turned, large doe eyes staring straight at Ken. The guest's face was friendly, charming. Ken remembers being disarmed by this friendliness in the past-- _wait, wait, wait. Don't get distracted_. Ken watched as he turned to face him, both hands raised slightly as if to say that he was unarmed.

_So not a hostile_. Ken felt himself relax a bit. He didn't want to fight this man in any situation. Past experience taught Ken that this man--whom Ken has come to call Cullen--was quick in blows and shots. He would wipe the floor with Ken if push comes to shove.

But what does Cullen want from Ken, though? Perhaps information. It wouldn't be the first time. But their transactions were usually digital. Why the need for a personal visit, in Ken's safe haven no less?

Cullen seemed to know what Ken was thinking. "I didn't come here as a client... not today."

"Then you can leave..."

"I came here as a friend. I need a favor."

"Well, then, you can definitely leave now," Ken replied, almost laughing. "I don't have friends, Cullen."

"That's why I'm here. I want you to reconsider."

Cullen still had both hands raised, and he slowly moved one had to retrieve something from the inside pocket of the bomber jacket he was wearing. He took out a photo and laid it out on the coffee table for Ken to see.

"Know this man?"

"Of course," Ken answered, leaning into the photo. He could quickly recognize the man with just the arrogance and conceit in his eyes. "Everyone from my hometown knows this guy. Brother of a politician. Open secret that he's involved in lots of crime rings.

"What about him?"

"We have reason to believe that he'll be smuggling drugs through the backdoor," Cullen said seriously.

Ken only laughed. "What's new, _dre_? It's always been like that!" Ken walked to one of the couches and laid his back on it, legs perched on one of the armrests and his head on the other. "Come find me when you got something new."

Cullen approached so he could stare right down at Ken. "This is serious, man. Imagine drugs by the billions being sold to your people. It may be old news, but it's still a problem."

"Well," Ken said, not looking at Cullen but rather at the anime that was playing on screen, "I've got a trivia for you. Did you know that it's not just drugs that they smuggle through the Zambo Peninsula? Contraband, class A's, fake documents, even people. Drugs are just at the tip of the iceberg.

"And let's say that you, by some miracle, would be able to stop this guy's business. Do you think that automatically saves everyone?" Ken gave Cullen one apathetic look for emphasis. "Someone will take that ugly guy's place. And then you wouldn't have done anything."

" _One life saved_ ," Cullen replied gently. "It would have been worth it if there was one life saved."

Ken smiled. "That gave me goosebumps. Seriously. Is everyone in your agency cheesy? This is why I don't like agencies. You guys romanticize everything."

Cullen chuckled. "You're right. We tend to do that; but only because we acknowledge that things are bad. And if we're gonna bite from this apple, we might as well make it look palatable."

"It'll still taste bad, man." _Oh, this is the episode where--don't get distracted_! "Is that it? That's what you came here for?"

"No, that was just the introduction," said Cullen. "I'm here in behalf of my team to ask you come with me to the agency. To tell us as much as you can on the entire Zamboanga backdoor situation."

Ken's phone fell on his face. _The heck_?! Cullen laughed.

"You're joking."

"I wish I was, Ken. But I'm not," Cullen said. "We need your knowledge of the area, and I know you have connections there. I know you worked for them before. We need you for this job."

Ken scoffed. "Look, I'm not a team player. And I don't like working for nothing."

"We can negotiate your payment."

"Find someone else."

"We can," he replied quickly. "But we have no time. And quite frankly, I can't think of anyone as good as you. You fight well. You're focused and passionate. And you worked twice as hard as the next guy."

" _Psssssh_. I know I'm good, but you think that'll get me to come?"

"No. A huge part of me already knew you'd decline before I even came here," Cullen said with a bit of hysteria in his voice.

"Then why'd you still do it?"

Cullen shrugged. "Because the smaller, more insane part of me thinks you also believe you can make a difference."

Ken's anime continued to play in the background. But for the first time since that morning, something was more interesting than his anime.

* * *

Justin stared at the piece of paper he was holding and felt the need to shoot himself in the head... but he remembered he didn't have a license yet.

"Justin, you are sometimes _so~~ careless_!" he told himself, hand slapping his forehead. He was sitting alone in the briefing room, waiting for Josh and his contact to arrive. He wanted to be productive so he went to the admin to quickly grab the application forms and requirements for getting his firearms license.

There was a knock on the door, and Sejun entered in his trademark grimace. "What's going on with you?"

"Remember when I told you that I was going to apply for a license soon?"

"Yeah...?"

"Well, I went to admin earlier..." he started, "and I was too shy to ask the staff so I just grabbed the most legit-looking document."

"And then?"

Justin raised the paper so it was at Sejun's eye level. "I accidentally grabbed a _recruitment form_."

Sejun laughed heartily, his braces in full display. "I can't believe you! How dazed are you, really?"

" _Don't judge me_!" Justin complained. "I was preoccupied with the idea of meeting Josh's possible contact... and everything that would proceed after that!"

The leader's face turned serious. Justin knew Sejun was slightly anxious about it, too. If anyone was thinking about everything that they should prepare for, it would be Sejun. 

Being the youngest member of the team, Justin looked up to Sejun. He always pulled-off a calm and collected stance. He had plans for almost every situation. His plans always included back-up plans, and detailed fail-safes for the worst-case scenarios. Justin had seen him in a sparring session when he was still training, and Sejun was an extremely talented fighter. And while Justin had heard that Sejun excelled in short- and mid-range shooting, he felt Sejun was more talented than he let on.

And Justin trusted Sejun in all circumstances. He knew that if Sejun would lead them, then they will definitely succeed.

Sejun took his seat on one end of the conference table. Both he and Justin were quiet as they waited for the rest to arrive. Despite being a tall man, Sejun looked small with his posture. He had a habit of slouching his shoulders, but this time Justin thought this was because of stress. There were dark circles in his eyes, and it looked as if he shaved in a hurry.

Josh had called them earlier, saying that he would be coming in with his contact, Ken. It would be the first time for the team to use a third-party asset, so Sejun had to do a lot of explaining and justifying to the administration and the superiors. It was a near-impossible feat.

But it was Sejun. Sejun was good at doing the impossible. After a three-hour deliberation and an inch-thick report Justin had seen him sign, the superiors allowed it.

" _Guess who's back~~_? _Back again~~_?" Stell sang in a loud voice as he entered the briefing room where Sejun and Justin waited somberly. "What's going on?"

Stell held the door open and Justin registered footsteps approaching them. Two sets. Soon enough, Josh entered the room, followed by a taller and lanky young man. The newcomer was in a black denim jacket, white undershirt, and straight cut jeans. He had an air of indifference about him, which was reflected in his droopy eyes and lopsided smirk.

Sejun stood up once Stell closed the door.

"You must be Ken." Sejun lifted his hand. Ken shook it, face still indifferent.

"Guys, this is Ken. Ken, this is our unit chief Sejun. That's our tech analyst, Justin. And you already know Stell..." Josh explained, gesturing to them one by one.

"Nice to meet you, Ken. Thanks for agreeing to come," Sejun said and gestured for them to sit down. Stell took the seat beside Justin, while Josh and Ken sat next to each other. "And nice work, Josh."

Ken looked at Josh in confusion. "My real name is Josh. So you can call me Josh. Or Cullen. Whatever works for you."

"I keep forgetting you're a sleuth. Whatever, 'Josh' is fine," said Ken. His voice was a deep and modulated baritone. Justin wondered if he was just as serious as a friend and as a person.

"Anyway, Ken. I'm sure Josh has briefed you with our situation?" Sejun began. "Why we asked you to come?"

"Yep, he did," Ken said. "And right away, I'm gonna say that this isn't going to be easy."

"No one is saying it is," Sejun replied. "That's why we need you."

Ken shrugged. "Sure... What do you wanna know?"

Sejun gestured for Justin to begin recording their briefing. "Anything and everything. I'll ask questions along the way. You don't mind if we record this conversation, right?"

"Sure," Ken responded.

Ken, it turns out, was a ghost. He was not affiliated with anyone anywhere. He got by using fake names and fake documentation. He would work for anyone, and the "good guys" for him are those who pay him enough for his sought-after skillset. He was also connected with other "ghosts" in Manila and Mindanao, which was useful for the team since it meant more potential assets.

From what he told them, Ken had done work for their target several times in the past. Odd jobs like being the pigeon or the informant. Of everything he said, Justin was particularly surprised to hear the actual extent of the smuggling and human trafficking that some government officials were " _facilitating_ " in the area. 

Ken relayed to the group some names of people who should and shouldn't be trusted. He also gave them an overview of the landscape in the backdoor, where he apparently hailed from. It was only then that Sejun started asking him questions: potential entry points for the merchandise; the estimated number of people who would be involved; key areas they should secure; the concentration of civilians in the surrounding area. 

The discussion lasted for hours. Sejun would ask questions, Ken would answer them. Occasionally, he would give a few good suggestions. But Justin noticed that Ken gave more weird than actually helpful points. He would see Sejun and Josh pausing to digest what Ken said, before giving him a response. 

But it in these pauses that Sejun comes up with better and more secure plans. Josh and Stell seemed to be the same. The discussion became less of Sejun just laying down his concrete plans, as what usually happens, and more of the team brainstorming for a strategy. By the end of the meeting, they had a simple but seemingly-effective plan.

Sejun had announced that he would be talking to the superiors for the logistic requests he had to make.

"I'd call you in for a full briefing as soon as I find a way for us to be more familiar with the field," he said. Then, he regarded their guest. "Ken, we really appreciate your input. It would have been more difficult if we didn't have you here with us."

Ken shrugged. His aura had significantly brightened over the past few hours. He now sported a goofy grin as he laid back comfortably on the chair.

"Cull--I mean, _Josh_ \--wasn't kidding when he said you needed a guy," he joked. "Don't you guys have contacts in Zambo?"

"That's the thing," Stell chimed in. "We _don't_! 'Cause you know, we're a small agency and stuff. We're not exactly FBI."

Ken held back a laugh. "If you guys are FBI, that'd be pretty cool..."

"That would be, wouldn't it?" Stell replied. "But it's hard as of the moment. We hope for better circumstances... but for now, we make do with what we have."

Ken stared at Stell, and for a brief moment Justin thought he saw concern. Or was it empathy? A moment later and it was gone.

But Sejun seemed to have seen it. He smirked. It was a smirk that told Justin he was playing a little game with Ken. "But isn't it more fun that way? Like sparring with one hand tied behind your back."

Ken's eyes widened as he looked at Sejun. Even Stell and Josh were surprised at the out-of-character response. Justin looked back and forth between Sejun and Ken, who were currently in a stare-down.

A second later, Ken breaks eye contact and laughs. " _This guy is in a whole new level of martyrdom_!"

Sejun sported a victorious grin. Stell looked confused, while Josh looked like he was slowly getting in on an inside joke. Justin just wanted to know what was happening.

" _I'm a~~ll for it_!" Ken exclaimed. "You got me there. Fine. You need a third-party asset, right? Someone who can get you in, out, and about?"

"You don't have to, Ken," Sejun said, smiling.

"But you already know I'm about to," he replied. 

Sejun turned his back and on the way out the door said, "I'll see what I can do about an endorsement."

Three days later, Ken was on a plane with the four of them on the way to the Zamboanga region.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: ken's hometown is about 3-5 hours away from zamboanga city.
> 
> [josh as a secret agent]
> 
> Agent Profile: Josh  
> Agent No: SB-05503  
> Full name: [REDACTED]  
> Age: [REDACTED]  
> Assignment: Field agent  
> Background: [REDACTED]  
> Strengths: Shooting (mid-range), hand-to-hand combat, computer systems, reconnaissance  
> Notes: has lived a thousand identities; sly as a devil, don't let his charm fool you


	3. it's a hurricane, it's a perfect storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team begins the mission... but it doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: slight violence, abandonment, anxiety, heavy narrations (they are necessary to move the plot along), mediocre+unproofed writing, and a very long chapter
> 
> sejun is too difficult to write

**SECOND BULLET: it's a hurricane, it's a perfect storm**

Sejun prided himself for being the most logical person in the team. He was the least sentimental, and he always gave more weight to facts than feelings.

So why were his feelings giving him a hard time? His mind told him to drive-- _drive, Sejun_! But his hands were shaking, there was a ringing in his ears that drowned out the noise and the gunshots from outside the vehicle. 

He stared in horror as his teammates struggled to run towards him, hostiles hot on their tails. One was trying to stop the other from trying to go back for their cornered comrade.

_Think, Sejun! Think_! He commanded. But his body did not cooperate. And as Sejun mindlessly stepped on the pedal, the last thing he saw before he drove off were the eyes of his ward... frightened and resigned.

* * *

D-7.

Because people were generally unobservant, they only saw five young men with big and heavy packs perhaps going on a vacation. This is what Stell saw throughout their entire flight. And at times, he pretended that they _were_ just five guys on the way to a summer retreat.

They rode economy, and so they couldn't discuss details of the job in intricate detail. Stell sat on a row with Sejun and Josh, while Justin and Ken were seated together somewhere else. 

It was a two hours of delicate tension. One moment, Josh and Sejun were talking animatedly about a game that Stell wasn't familiar with. They were laughing and kidding around. Stell took this chance to close his eyes and sleep. But the next moment, Josh's voice suddenly turned serious. He asked Sejun if he was scared, to which Sejun replied, "for now."

Upon their arrival, they were met by a lovely young woman. She was wearing a black cap and large bumblebee glasses, a loose white tee, tattered boyfriend jeans, and combat boots. Stell couldn't help but admire the contrast of her youth to the edginess of her persona.

"What a looker, huh?" Ken said, wrapping his arm around Stell's shoulders. Stell nodded. "So is her girlfriend."

Apparently their escort, who introduced herself as X, was a ghost like Ken. She had arranged for their temporary base of operations (a medium-sized hostel room with three bunk beds, one bathroom, and a small kitchen-slash-dining area); retrieved their ammunition (which, Stell noticed, was technically smuggled into the city limits); and stocked up a month's worth of supplies in for them.

X left them to their devices once they got settled. She bid them goodbye, but not before sharing a hushed discussion with Ken. Stell noticed his comrade slip her a few bills, and then she turned to leave.

D-5.

They spent the next week getting to work. Stell was in-charge of checking their gear and firearms. He had favored for himself the long-range rifles with the silencer, along with two .45 auto handguns. Once he called dibs, the rest of the team claimed their own equipment--save for Justin, whom Sejun didn't allow any firearm.

"But I'll get my license anyway!" he protested.

"Until then, it's my butt that's gonna be reported if you use one without a license. So, _no_ ," Sejun replied resolutely.

Josh kept busy with his tech, Justin giving him much-needed assistance. Stell sometimes thought that Josh was also well-suited to be their tech guy. After all, he was the one who made a majority of their stealth and surveillance gear. 

But he was better at sleuthing. His charm that could disarm even the toughest man was something none of the members had. So while Justin still wasn't at Josh's level, Stell was glad to have the younger man to provide them with necessary technical analysis and support.

Meanwhile, Ken had been going in and out of their base every night, only to return the next morning smelling strongly of alcohol. Apparently, he had slowly reconnected with the other party's men to engage them in friendly chitchat. He later told the team that he was planning on asking them to give him a job. This involved keeping watch over their hideout for the duration of his stay. 

Stell and Josh thought this was a smart move. The only member to initially frown upon it was Sejun.

"You should have told the team, Ken," was what he said. "You aren't an official part of the unit, but what you do still affects us all."

Ken only shrugged, unapologetic. Then, he slept the entire day.

D-4.

With new information from Ken, the team was able to survey the target's hideout. It was a small, out-of-the-way storehouse near the pier. It had its own dock and was surrounded by a maze of container trucks. 

Both Josh and Stell had surveyed the area individually, reporting to Sejun what they found. Ken, on the other hand, gave them detailed information about the layout of the hideout itself. 

They gathered one evening over dinner, Ken being present for the time being. They went through the plan; Sejun had almost quizzed them on specifics. Stell liked that Sejun was detailed. It would save their asses on the day.

The plan was simple. It didn't need fireworks. Ken would go to "work" at the enemy's warehouse and bring booze. He would get the goons drunk--he expected about ten of them to be on duty. Josh would sneak in one of the back windows. He would look for their target's office, retrieve the documents, and get out. Justin would provide aerial and stealth support. Stell was to give them cover from a distance. Sejun would orchestrate everything; he would be the voice in all of their heads.

It was as simple as that. It was positively brilliant.

D-2.

They had all memorized the plan. In their sleep, they replayed scenarios of the things that could go wrong.

Stell hoped that nothing would go wrong.

D-0.

"All clear from the drones," Justin said from Stell's earpiece.

"All clear from my perch." Stell was currently on his belly at the top of a pile of containers near the truck they had chosen as their base.

There was a grinding sound. Stell laughed. "Justin, stop biting the _mouthpiece_."

"I don't know about you guys, but having a mouthpiece attached to my molar is a bit weird," Justin said. "Josh, no offense, but your mouthpiece is a stupid idea."

Josh's chuckle could be heard with a little bit of static. "We needed a mouthpiece that Ken could wear. You'll get used to it."

"Alright, are you guys ready?" Sejun said through the device.

"Ready," Josh, Stell, and Justin affirmed.

"Alright, Ken. You're up." Then Stell could hear the sound of the container door opening slightly before shutting back again.

Stell watched as Ken emerged from their container truck. He wore nondescript clothing, all black and running shoes. He carried with him two small cases of liquor.

"Ken, check if you can still hear us from your in-ear?" Justin asked.

"Yep, I can hear you," Ken said. "Besides, it's just my airpods."

"Your new and _improved_ airpods," Josh corrected, having enhanced Ken's device for the job. "I'm moving to the back of the building. Stell, you got me?"

Stell followed Josh's movements through his rifle's night scope. "Yeah, bro. I got you. You're clear."

"Drones are on standby," Justin noted.

With Josh already out of Stell's periphery, he moved his scope to watch Ken. He had entered the building through the large double iron doors of the warehouse.

With his two hands waving the booze he brought, Ken exclaimed, "What's up, losers? Who needs a drink?"

_That's the signal_ , Stell thought. He adjusted his elbows and his body to a better position. And with that, the mission had officially started.

* * *

" _What's up, losers_? _Who needs a drink_?"

"He's so _energetic_ ," Sejun said, smirking. He moved quietly behind Justin to see from their drones' cameras. Ken only needed to distract the guards long enough for Josh to find the documents they needed.

Ken had told Sejun a few days ago that there would definitely be papers with details on when and how the shipments will be delivered. Since the team decided they couldn't completely shut-down the target's operations, they could at least provide information to the vice unit.

_So far, so good_ , he thought. If the conversation from Ken's end was any indication, he was slowly convincing the guards to lay low for a while. Good. So Ken's got some charisma of his own.

"Josh, what's your status?" Sejun asked.

"No windows on the sides of the building," he reported. "Ah, there's one out back... but it's on the second floor."

Sejun mentally cursed. "Can you get to it?"

Josh chuckled. " _Can I get to it_? Do you know who you're asking?"

" _Wow, you're really cocky, 'Noy_!" came Ken's voice. It might have been addressed to one of the guards, or it might have been for Josh.

"Let me just--" There were thumping sounds from Josh's end, he was running. Silent but powerful taps, _he was doing some nasty parkour_. A grunt. 

_Okay, he's on the ledge_. "Justin, move drone B to the back. I wanna see Josh."

"Got it." Justin moved his swivel chair to the side and adjusted the controls for one of the drones. One monitor shifted, showing Josh hanging expertly on the second-floor window's ledge.

"Alright, Josh. Can you get it to open?" asked Sejun.

Josh hummed in affirmation.

With great difficulty, Josh pulled himself up, perched his elbow's on the narrow ledge of the window and grabbed the army knife attached to his back.

"Wow, Josh is so cool," Justin could only say, removing his headphones. "I'm not even strong enough to do a pull up---"

" _Quiet_ , _Justin_ ," Sejun said firmly. Justin apologized. "Stell, anything noteworthy?"

Static. "Nope, none that I can see," said Stell.

"Alright, I'm in, guys," Josh reported in between pants. Sejun could see Josh closing the window from his monitor.

"Good job, Josh," Sejun said and ran to the table where he laid out a rough layout of the building Ken had given them. "You entered from the south side. Only one corridor, and that's to your left. If you follow it, you'll find two doors one after the other."

"Ken didn't tell us which one was the boss' office, did he?"

" _'Cause you guys wouldn't tell me_!" Ken said, chuckling. On his end, they could hear merry chuckles and murmurs from half-drunk men.

"Alright, alright," Josh said. "I'll go through them one by one."

_I should really request for more optics and a thermal camera at least. It's tough working blindly_ , Sejun noted to himself. He listened to Josh's cat-like movements, Ken's rough-housing with the guards, and Stell's steady breathing.

"First room is a bust. It's a living quarters for one of the pigs," Josh reported. "Seriously, this guy lives in a pigsty. I'm out."

"Wow. As if you're one to talk?" Stell chimed in. "Have you seen your quarters, _boss_?"

"At least I clean up after a while--I'm in the second room now," replied Josh. "Alright, this room looks more like a boss' office. And Stell, if you only saw what I saw, you'll know what I'm talking about."

"Josh, less talking, more searching," Sejun reminded. "What have you got so far?"

"Uhm... it's hard to see under low light but... past transactions... bills... _bills_...more _bills_..." Quiet rustling. Sejun was starting to get frustrated. "I'll check the drawers."

" _What_?!" Ken's loud remark caught them all off-guard. "So you mean, the boss will be _coming here tonight_?"

_Shit_. "Josh, did you hear that?" Sejun asked.

"Yup, I did. I'm working faster here."

"You guys should've told me. I could've worn something nicer," said Ken's voice. "Will he be arriving in soon...? Ah, in about a few minutes. _Nice_."

"Stell, give us a heads up, okay?" said Sejun.

" _Got it_."

"Josh, anything?"

"The drawers are empty... I'm checking for false bottoms."

" _You guys are helpless_ ," Ken whispered. And then more loudly, he said, "So, I heard you guys are expecting a delivery soon?"

_He's going off-script again_ , thought Sejun. Ken, for the past week, had been giving him a hard time by doing his own thing. _Patience_ , he said. _He might be on to something_.

Ken whistled. "That's... that's huge, man. Any chance I can get it on it? How much?"

"Oh, no. _I'm getting a stomach ache_ ," Justin complained.

" _Quiet_ , _Justin_ ," Sejun said, laying a firm hand on the youngest member's shoulder. "Any other place where they could be hiding documents, Josh?"

"None. This room is just a presidential desk, and some drawers. I'm still checking---"

"So you already got deets? That's fast!" Ken said.

"Ask them if it's in the warehouse," Josh replied.

"The boss tell you any specifics?" asked Ken to one of the guards. "Ah... I guess that's to be expected. Guess he likes to keep those things to himself."

" _So nothing's here_?!" Josh almost screamed.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves--" Sejun commented, his voice thick with tension. "Josh, any helpful documents, ledgers, phone books?"

"Yeah, yeah. There was one--wait, I found a loose plank on the floor...

" _Sejun, I got something_ ," Josh whispered. "It looks like a ledger... I can't see too clearly but I'm pocketing this for now."

"Why are you whispering?" Sejun asked, as it was odd.

"Well, someone's outside the door and trying to get in," Josh said. "No windows. Only way out is if I engage."

Sejun took a deep breath. _You got this_ , he mentally cheered. _You're trained for exactly these kinds of situations_. He breathed in again.

"Well, then... I guess we rock and roll _now_!" Ken screamed. And suddenly, there were sounds of thumping and grunting on his end. Ken just started a fight.

" _What the heck is he doing_?!" Stell exclaimed.

"Trying to save your boy's ass," Ken replied. " _Cover me, Stell_."

"If you survive this, I'mma shoot you myself," Stell replied. "Take them near a window. I need a clear shot."

" _Ken, this wasn't in the plan_!" Sejun berated. "Josh, are you still there?"

"Sort of-- _augh_!" Sejun could also hear Josh's labored breathing. He's in combat. "One hostile--- _guh_!---okay, he's down."

"Josh, Ken, _get out of there now_!"

"Don't have to tell me twice," Josh said. A moment later, the monitor showed him jumping from the lone window, and expertly landing on the first floor.

"Uh, Sejun?" Justin called out. "We've got two pick-ups coming in fast."

Sejun moved to check Justin's monitors. "ETA?"

"We've probably got five minutes?" Justin said, unsure. " _At least_..."

" _Ken, retreat_!" Sejun exclaimed, surprised by the volume of his own voice. "We have more incoming. About eight people!"

"I'm-- _augh_ \--trying--- _ugh_ \--little help?" came his reply.

"Sejun, if I get a clear shot, I'm going to shoot okay?" Stell said calmly.

Sejun had to think. Josh was already out. Stell was safe. Justin was with him. His team was secure.

"Sejun, I need a confirmation. _Can I shoot_?"

"Everyone _retreats_ ," he replied. "We can't take on this number."

"Ken, get out of there _now_!" Josh screamed. But Ken gave no response. " _Fricking stupid little_ \---"

"Uh, Sejun?" Justin chimed, pointing to one of the monitors. "Josh is going back for Ken."

"Josh, _what are you doing_?" exclaimed Sejun. "He can take care of himself."

"We both know that's not true, right, Sejun?" Josh responded. And they all heard the first gunshot that Josh fired.

"Josh, if you can lead them to some place where I can get a clear shot---"

" _Stell, this isn't part of the plan_ \--"

" _To hell with the plan, Sejun_!" came Josh's angry growl. "I know what you're thinking. _We're not leaving Ken behind_!"

"It's alright, _dre_ \---!" Another gunshot. This time, it was from Stell's rifle.

"Not time to argue. Keep shooting," Stell said calmly.

"Josh, _status_ ," Sejun commanded again.

"One man down... Two guys on Ken... Two guys coming from the second floor..." Josh said.

"Sejun, pick-ups are closing in..." said Justin.

" _Get out of there, Josh_ ," Sejun said firmly. " _Now_ \---!"

"Wait! I can probably override the doors' controls," Justin exclaimed, his hands already sweeping across his keyboard. "They're on wireless, right? I can start closing it now. Ken and Josh should run."

"Alright, Jah. You do that," Sejun said, squeezing the youngest member's shoulders. 

The heavy squeaking as the door started to slide close, slowly but surely, echoed. Even Sejun could hear it from inside the truck.

"Heard that, boys?"

" _Loud and clear, chief_ ," Josh said through his panting.

_Bang_!

_Bang_!

_Bang_!

Three shots came one after another right as the pick-ups skidded to a halt on the gravel outside the building. Five men descended, armed and already running towards the closing door.

" _Shit! Shit! Shit_!" Josh chanted.

" _Better run now_. I'll cover you," Stell said in his sing-song voice.

Ken's heavy grunting came from their earpiece. "A'right... It's just that I... am running out of gas."

"Hurry up, Ken," Josh said in between his shots. " _Look out_!"

_Bang_! The gunshot came from neither Stell nor Josh. And then came an explosion like stuttering fireworks near the door.

"What was that?" Stell asked, ruffled. "Josh, _what was that_?"

"I'm fine---" he said and fired a shot of his own, "--just got grazed. Another one down."

" _Josh, behind you_!" Ken yelled.

" _Shit_ ," Stell cursed. "I can't-- _I don't have a clear shot_!"

"Sejun, the doors stopped moving," Justin whined helplessly. "Something happened. I can't control the doors remotely!"

"Controls look like they're fried, Jah," Josh explained.

So much was happening that Sejun felt his ears go numb. _Think! Think!_ He said to himself, but he felt like his brain was caught up in a hurricane. Too many thoughts. All at once.

_What to do, Sejun_?!

"Josh, just go and grab Ken. I'll cover you," said Stell. Sejun could hear him move his location--- _thunk, thunk, thunk_. Josh seemed to be moving as well. "Alright, I'm on the ground. On my way."

"Sejun, we're taking cover for now... Ken, can you run?" Josh said in one shaky breath, as Sejun listened in on their conversation.

"Not sure, _ugh_!" he replied. "I think I broke a rib..."

Josh laughed. "Or you're drunk... Justin? We need help with those doors...!"

" _I_ \---"

"Justin, you there?" Josh repeated.

"I can close them _manually_ ," Justin replied, his voice shaky. Then, without preamble, he got up and started to walk out of their base.

" _Justin, where do you think you're going_?!" Sejun yelled.

"Trust me, _we can still do this_ ," Justin said, running. Sejun ran after him, but Justin was quick and his strides long. He could only stare at the younger's back as he himself slowed down, a sick feeling churning in his stomach.

" _Sejun, what's going on_?" Josh demanded.

"Jah is going in," Stell said, breathing laboured. He was running. "You guys find a way to get out. Don't worry, I'll cover for him."

"Ugh, sorry things got ugly real quick," Ken whispered.

"Save your breath, Ken," Josh said, annoyed.

Sejun watched as Stell fired shot after shot to cover for Justin. Without any report, Sejun had no idea how many hostiles were still active. But as he stood there, frozen, he saw Justin reach the control booth near the stairs and stealthily take the equipment apart. A second later, the doors started moving again.

"Justin, what's your status?" Sejun asked. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah... yeah... _I got it_..."

" _Sejun, start the truck_!" Josh commanded.

Just as Stell started shooting one after another, Sejun listened to Josh and Ken's breathing. It was at this time that he finally got a hold of himself and climbed on to the truck's driver seat.

" _Hurry up, you guys_..." he said, agitated. The doors were only open a fraction now. "Justin _, start moving out_!"

"I... _I can't_ ," he whispered, just as Sejun watched Josh and Ken run past the doors. They continued to run, albeit limping, past Stell who was still firing shots by the door.

Everything seemed to slow down right in front of Sejun. The ringing in his ears was back. His hands cold, and his heart beating abnormally fast.

"Wha---What do you mean, _you can't_?!" It was Josh. He did a double take and stopped running.

"Too much damage on the equipment," he explained, voice cracking. In the background, Stell and the group of armed men were still engaged in a crossfire. "If I let this lever go, the doors won't close."

" _Run, Jah_!" Stell said right after firing one shot. "Just keep it open. I still have enough rounds to cover you."

"No, it's---" Justin cleared his throat. "It's too far from where I am. If I leave it open, they'll catch up to you guys. Then everything we've done for the past week would have been for nothing."

"What are you talking about? _I got you_!" Stell yelled. Then, he fired another shot from behind the doors that were more than halfway closed.

"I don't think they know I'm here yet. I can... I can keep hiding for now," Justin said softly.

" _What_ \---?" came Ken's confused question, as if he only processed everything then. He looked back at Justin, leaning on to Josh for support. "What's going on?"

" _No, Jah_ ," Stell said, almost begging. "We're not leaving you behind--- _shit_ , I'm out of bullets. _Josh_?"

"I'm out of bullets, too, man..." Josh said in a low, defeated tone. He put one arm around Ken's shoulder, and the other across his chest. "We have to retreat."

"What about _Justin_?"

"Sejun...?" Justin pleaded. "Sejun, you know I'm right...! _Hurry, they'll be out in ten seconds_...! _Nine_...!"

" _No_! _We can't leave him behind_!" Ken shouted and started thrashing out off Josh's firm arms. " _Tell him, Sejun_!"

" _Eight_!"

"The fu---" Ken growled.

" _Seven_! Stell, you have to run now! _Six_!" Justin hissed. Sejun wondered if Justin was crying.

" _Tsk_ ," came Stell's voice. He put his guns back on their holsters and started running towards the direction of their container truck.

Sejun watched as Ken's eyes widened to twice their size, watching Stell retreat. " _What the heck are you doing_?!"

" _Five_!"

" _Sejun, we have to go back for Justin_!" Ken pleaded.

" _Four_!"

" _Sejun, fucking say something_!"

" _I_ \---"

" _Three_..."

"Ken, we have to go. _Now_...!" Josh said between gritted teeth.

"Ken... I'll be fine. Sejun, tell him..." Justin said, almost like a sigh. 

"We have to retreat, Ken..." Sejun had never heard his voice sound so weak. "Justin... we'll come back for you."

"Yeah... Yeah, I know..." Justin replied bravely. " _Two_..."

Ken was still struggling in Josh's embrace, so Josh knocked him out with a blow to back of his neck. Sejun started driving towards them, eyes never leaving Justin's silhouette.

The door closed with a dull thud.

Sejun didn't even notice Stell appear on the passenger seat, helping Josh carry Ken up with them.

Being squeezed in together was uncomfortable, especially given their sizes. But nobody complained. Nobody even spoke.

The last thing they heard as they drove away was the static from Justin's tech, and the sound of one last gunshot. With that, Sejun knew he had failed them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the length. i couldn't cut this down because it will mess up the flow.
> 
> some scenes were inspired by 6 underground. if you have any questions, please head to the comments section.
> 
> [stell as a secret agent]
> 
> Agent Profile: Stell  
> Agent No: SB-04077  
> Full name: [REDACTED]  
> Age: [REDACTED]  
> Assignment: Field agent  
> Background: [REDACTED]  
> Strengths: Shooting (mid- and long-range), hand-to-hand combat; chemistry  
> Additional Notes: excellent long-range shot; too cheery for an agent


	4. he sleeps with one eye open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys think about what had happened, and what to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: angst, anxiety, some curse words, mediocre+unproofed writing, and another long chapter

**THIRD BULLET: he sleeps with one eye open**

There are many ways to kill a cat, or so they say; but Ken could care less about the means... as long as the cat is dead, then he's satisfied.

These were his thoughts as he regained consciousness in a small, dark, and unfamiliar room with a dull ache at the back of his head.

" _Sejun, tell him_!"

The desperation in Justin's voice haunted his dreamless sleep and echoed in his head. 

_Sejun... Sejun..._

_Motherfucking Sejun..._

Sejun who had frozen on the spot when his plan started to fall apart. Sejun who had planned to leave Ken behind. But this was nothing to the cowardice Sejun showed when he uttered his parting lines: "We'll come back for you."

_Lies... Lies!_

There was nobody to go back for. Ken knew who they were dealing with. Justin would be dead as soon as they find him. And even that would be mercy if they plan to extort information from him. In one way or another, Justin is a lost cause.

_And it's all his fault_...

Anger exploded in Ken's chest, and he sat up. His hands were balled into fists. He was feeling vengeful.

There are many ways to kill a cat... and Ken was going to find said cat. There was deadly focus in his head. He knew that his own twisted sense of justice won't let him sleep until he found Sejun.

With no plan or strategy whatsoever, Ken grabbed a handgun that was left on the bedside table and stood. He was aching all over--bruised, broken left rib, and his headache was growing more intense.

But Ken was never known to be the thinking type. He was known for being quick, invisible, and thorough. Sejun would be dead before he knew what hit him.

"He's not here."

The voice stopped Ken in his tracks just as he closed the door quietly behind him. Ken paused, facing nothing but a blank wall in the narrow hallway.

"And I'm not supposed to let you go anywhere near him."

There was no hint of Stell's usual cheerfulness in the voice he used at Ken. The voice from Ken's left was cold and sure. Ken heard a clicking sound... the sound of someone preparing to shoot. Ken tightened his grip on the gun in his right hand.

"He deserves it," Ken said. He could feel Stell approaching him, footsteps careful as he walked on the wooden floor.

"And you _don't_?" Stell replied. "Don't forget, you're just as accountable to whatever happened as Sejun."

"He abandoned _your_ teammate," Ken emphasized with no little amount of venom in his voice. His predator was closing in on him now. One step at a time.

Ken prepared himself. He liked Stell, but he wasn't going to let him get in his way.

With one swift movement, Ken swung his free hand at Stell, who parried it and pointed his gun. Quick to recover, Ken stretched his right hand and aimed at Stell.

With guns pointed at both their faces, they were at a stalemate. One, two seconds. Nobody moved an inch. Ken stared at Stell with intensity. Stell only stared back at him.

"Are you really going to shoot me, Stell?"

Stell smirked. "I warned you, didn't I? If you survived that whole fiasco, I'll shoot you myself." His finger ghosted over the trigger.

"How are you fine with this?" Ken had to know. "Justin was _your_ comrade."

"I'll give you a little tip," Stell started, his smirk turning into an almost blinding but apologetic smile. "The next time you find a gun, always check if it's loaded."

_What_?

It happened so fast that Ken had no time to react. At the same time that Stell's boot connected with Ken's stomach, his other hand removed Ken's magazine with deadly precision.

Ken and the magazine landed on the floor at the same time. There was a hollow thud. 

_Shit, it is empty_. Ken gave Stell the most hateful glare he could manage. Stell only laughed, gun still pointed at Ken.

"Go ahead. _Shoot me_ ," he challenged.

"Okay," Stell said, smiling. " _Bye, Ken_."

There were sounds of a thin slice of wood being snapped in two. Stell shot him twice at point-blank range. One on the chest and the other on his leg. The pain was intense, Ken noted, but bearable.

_Why is it bearable_?

He checked himself for bleeding. Nothing.

" _The heck_?!"

Stell laughed boisterously at him. He looked like he was having fun. 

" _You shou--hahaha--you should've seen the---hihihi---the look on you face---haha_!"

Stell collapsed on his butt next to Ken, still laughing. Ken removed the "gun" from Stell's loose grip and examined it. It was an airgun--an _extremely convincing_ _one_.

" _You little brat_!" he exclaimed, the adrenaline in his blood turning into hysteria. Next thing Ken knew, he was laughing right along with Stell in the narrow hallway. They stayed that way for who knows how long.

"Just for the record, you can _never_ beat Sejun," Stell noted. "Not in a hundred years."

" _Weh_?"

"He's good at quick draws. You'll be dead before you even aim the gun at him," Stell explained. "But you have to check if it's loaded first."

They laughed again for a good five seconds.

When it finally died out, Ken turned serious again. "But seriously, how are you okay right now? Aren't you the slightest bit mad?"

There was a slight pause. And then Stell gave a tired chuckle.

Ken turned to look at him. He was smiling, but for the first time that night, Ken saw the puffiness in Stell's eyes, the hardness in his jaw as he gritted his teeth.

Stell pulled his knees close to his body. "Of course, I'm not okay."

_No. Of course, he's not_ , Ken thought. Stell might have been calm throughout the mission, but he was Justin's close comrade. And from what Ken learned throughout the past week, Stell had also trained Justin in martial arts and shooting. Whatever anger and frustration Ken felt, it must have been twice as strong for Stell.

Ken was a ghost. He has been since the beginning. He didn't usually care if one of their numbers fell. But being part of that team, even for a short while, made him feel protective of each and every member. Not the least of which was Justin, lanky and always-complaining Justin, who had exchanged corny jokes with Ken despite him being a stranger.

The pain in Ken's chest was like a pinprick to the heart: it stung, but it was shallow; easily healed if he let out some of his frustration... on Sejun, specifically. With a gun, if it was permissible.

But as he looked at how Stell turned from menacing sharpshooter to the hunched hollow of a man who was close to tears... Ken couldn't even begin to imagine his pain.

If Ken's was a pinprick, Stell's might have been as if his heart was ripped out of his chest. Years of bond, years of companionship--years of attachment Ken had never given to anyone--disappearing in one night.

No matter the strength, death pains everyone.

Stell blinked back his tears. "I hear his voice until now, you know?"

"...Yeah... Me, too."

"I get it, Ken. You're mad," Stell explained, "but in this line of work we prioritize the mission over the men. Justin knew that."

" _Psssh_ ," Ken scoffed, " _you hypocrites_. You agency guys spout all that 'one life saved' nonsense but when it comes down to it, you're all about the profit."

"Ah, don't get me wrong... I _hate_ Sejun right now," Stell said, balling his fists. "Why do you think I'm here with you and not with him?"

"So that's how it is, huh..." Ken replied, getting it somewhat. He laid his head on the wall.

Stell hung his head. "I hate him... but I know that he hates himself the most," he explained. "I _know_ Sejun. He doesn't take failure so well... so having Justin's blood in his hands..."

Ken could only stay quiet. He couldn't imagine how hard it would be if he were to establish roots in other people's lives. He had always preferred being on his own, so he didn't deal with loss that often.

It wasn't the first time he had seen a mission go awry. Nor was it the first time a colleague had perished in front of him. But the ache in his heart was real. It was so real that he didn't know what to do with it yet. 

_Why was he so affected_?

_You're just as accountable_ , he remembers Stell saying. 

Yes, he was. It was stupid of him to start a riot. It was stupid of him not to think ahead. He was the one who instigated the fight... and at what cost?

_Guilt_ , Ken thought. He finally felt what guilt was like. His idiocy had cost him Justin's life. His impulsiveness had cost everyone in their team this misery. 

But guilt wasn't everything. There was a deeper reason, and Ken was too afraid to scratch even its surface. He was scared of what he might uncover.

"Justin was going to apply as a field agent," Stell recalled after a while. "I remember him being so excited to take the qualifying exams once we return from this mission..."

Ken smirked, still looking up at the ceiling.

"He would have done well---" Stell choked, his voice drowned out by his own quiet crying.

Ken put his arm around Stell's shoulders. Stell trembled as he sobbed. And Ken didn't know why, but the ceiling looked a little blurry right then.

* * *

They had driven for about ten minutes before Josh suggested they abandon the container truck and get a more inconspicuous vehicle. Sejun only hummed in acknowledgment, while Josh started fishing for Ken's phone among his personal things. Ken wasn't exactly Mr. Tech Whiz, so Josh had no problem breaking into his device and calling X for help.

X was gracious enough to refer them to a secondary location while she grabbed their stuff from the hostel. One stolen vehicle and an hour later, Josh, Stell and Sejun lugged all of their baggage inside an abandoned two-story home in the outskirts of the city.

"Thanks for the assist," Josh told X. She looked curiously at Stell, who was carrying Ken single-handedly over his shoulder. "Ah, don't worry about him. We'll take care of him."

" _You'd better_ ," she replied, hand already opened to receive her wage. "We may be ghosts but we watch each other's backs."

Josh chuckled and handed her a few spare bills from his back pocket. "I don't doubt it. Thanks again."

"No worries. Oh, and... I put some beers in the cooler. You lot look like you could use a drink."

_A woman's intuition was a frightening thing_ , Josh thought to himself once everything was settled. He stared at the two beer cans in his hand and sighed. Now if only he had half of X's powers of perception, he'd know what to tell Sejun.

Josh took it upon himself to check on him, knowing that giving the job to Stell would result in a blood-bath. Stell had given Sejun the cold shoulder ever since they left the warehouse. 

Josh knew why. Josh felt that way, too. But he was mature enough to save some things for later, if at all.

He found Sejun looking down from the half-finished balcony. He was still and quiet. And for some reason, Josh wanted to punch him just once.

_Later, later_ , he thought to himself. And then said, "You won't die if you jump. It's too low."

Sejun didn't turn to him, but replied, "If I go down head-first, though... I might achieve something."

Josh stood beside Sejun, placing the can of beer on the ledge in front of him. Then he opened his own can and started to drink. _Nothing like cheap beer to mourn the death of a friend_.

They had spent a full minute in each other's quiet presence before Sejun spoke again.

"Say something?" pleaded Sejun in a defeated voice. "... _Anything_."

Josh heaved a frustrated sigh. He set his can down, grabbed Sejun by the scruff of his neck, and punched him in the gut. The leader bowed, but still standing. He put his hands on his knees for support.

" _Not enough_..." he said. "Not _nearly_..."

Josh obliged, and this time he gave Sejun a blow to the abdomen with his knee. Sejun fell on all fours in the ground, coughing and panting heavily. He could have also been crying. 

Josh didn't know whether to feel sorry or be even more mad at that moment. So he leaned back on the ledge, and continued to drink his beer.

"You good?" he asked. Sejun was seated on the floor now, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. Josh handed him the beer.

"Thanks..." he replied. "I deserved that..."

Sejun downed the entire can in three large gulps, crushed it, and angrily chucked it into the darkness. "I'm just... so... so frustrated at---at _everything_."

Josh shrugged. Sejun took this as a sign to continue.

"I thought I had it all under control... and then... and then _Ken_ \---"

Sejun stopped and trembled. He held himself so tightly that Josh thought he looked smaller than he actually is. 

"And then _you_ went back for Ken... and _Justin_..."

It was the first time Josh had seen Sejun so shaken. As he continued to watch, he wondered if there was something else going on.

"Are you saying it's Ken's fault?"

"No... Not entirely." Sejun put his head in his hands again. He pulled his hair hard. "I wasn't... _strong_ enough. I became too overwhelmed with everything that was happening. I---"

Josh knew he had to breach the topic very carefully. So, in the calmest voice he could manage, he said, "Sejun... you know you can tell me anything, right? Whatever this is...?"

Sejun's trembling stopped. If not for his deep and heavy breathing, Josh would have thought he turned into stone.

It took a while before Sejun could reply to him. "I've been... getting help... for my... anxiety."

"What do you mean?" Josh clarified, hopefully not sounding to surprised.

"I've been having... frequent panic attacks lately. I don't want to go into details, but yeah... that's what's been going on."

"Does the admin know?"

"Of course," Sejun replied. "They were the ones who referred me after they got my results from the last Psych Eval I had. And they allowed me to go on missions _because_ I've been getting therapy but...

"I just... can't sleep well lately. I've been thinking about a lot of things... maybe too much. I can't... And it comes when I least expect it...

"I was careless about myself... And look at what it cost me," he ended weakly. He stared at both his hands, trembling again.

Josh interrupted. "Has this happened before?"

"... Only once," Sejun replied. "First mock mission, trainee days. I also had a panic attack then.

"I thought I had it all under control... I worked _so hard_ to keep it at bay..." Sejun went on. "... Of all times to have been triggered, it had to be now."

Sejun looked up at Josh with fear in his eyes. And the words Sejun couldn't say resonated in Josh's ears, as if he spoke it out loud.

_Don't hate me. Don't be disappointed. Don't stop trusting me. I tried everything I could._

Josh didn't know what to say to that. There were demons that even his charm and words can't appease. This was one of those.

It was even more baffling because it was Sejun. Sejun who was their stalwart leader. Sejun who had the strength of a hundred-year-old oak tree. It was Sejun who was breaking at the seams now... because of something he had no control over.

Suddenly, Josh's anger, his frustration, and his own disappointment at himself seemed so small. He just wanted know what to say. To tell Sejun that it was okay.

But it _wasn't_ okay. Josh could only imagine the Goliath Sejun was facing. The team's loss, including Justin. The blow to his self-esteem. The anger towards Ken, towards himself. The fear of what would happen if the admin reads this in Sejun's report---because Josh _knows_ he would be honest about it.

And Josh couldn't help Sejun with it either. He wasn't an expert in all the psychology-psychiatry stuff they had to go through every now and then, so he knew this was beyond him. 

Sejun's entire being was a battlefield. Josh could only watch him struggle.

"Does Stell know?" he asked out of the blue.

Sejun was surprised, confusion evident in his eyes. He answered anyway. "N-No. I couldn't bring myself to tell him."

" _Alright_ ," Josh said. "I'm pretty useless about these things... but if there's anything you need me to do..."

Relief crossed Sejun's face. The pain was still there, but Josh could see him relax a tiny bit. "I'm... not sure..."

"No magic words? No... I don't know... _secret catchphrase_?"

Sejun chuckled briefly. "Maybe... if you see me freezing up," he said, "... can you tell me to breathe?"

Josh pulled an incredulous face. Sejun laughed again.

"You're _serious_?"

"Yes," Sejun replied. "It's what my therapist does whenever she sees me stressing over stuff. I try to remind myself but..."

"I mean... I guess... _Alright_ ," Josh said, defeated. He scratched the back of his head. "But you have to pull yourself together, alright? At least until we get back to Manila."

"Yeah, I know..."

Josh grabbed the crushed beer can, approached Sejun, ruffled his hair and said, "You're not alone in this, alright? Count on us, too."

That was the last thing he said before leaving Sejun alone in the balcony. Josh knew it would be some time before Sejun gets back to his feet; but he was starting, at least.

As for himself, Josh knew he would be fine. He had experienced more in life and he was still fighting. _I'll be okay_ , he said to himself. And he knew if he kept repeating that to himself, it would become true.

* * *

Sejun stayed in the balcony for some time. He didn't know exactly how long, but by the time he got up, there were roosters crowing in the distance.

He had replayed the scene in his head over and over. Things he could have done better. Things he should have foreseen.

_You can't control what other people will do, Paulo_ , his therapist told him one session. _Even i_ _f you try to hold on to their necks tightly, they'll eventually do something you didn't plan. And then you'll only frustrate yourself_.

He sighed. Yes, maybe he had been too hard on Ken. While it didn't absolve their guest of the mistake he made, it made Sejun think that maybe he should be more flexible as a person, as a commander.

_Breathe_ , he told himself. He did just that.

He didn't know it would make him feel this way, but telling Josh about his personal concerns had helped lift some of the weight on Sejun's shoulders---if only a little. He had never had to rely on others for his own problems before. But it was different with Josh and his team. He felt like he could tell them anything, and they'd still accept him entirely.

Hopefully, one day, he'll deserve that. For now, it was enough that he saw the look of genuine concern in Josh's eyes. He hoped Stell would understand, too. Although he would probably have to explain.

And Ken... Sejun would have to have a long discussion with Ken.

Sejun slowly made his way to the dark interior of the house. His three companions were lounging on the dusty living room. Stell was bandaging Ken's upper body when Sejun arrived. Josh was hunched on the corner, tinkering with his tech.

Only the static could be heard as both Stell and Ken looked at Sejun. Stell went back to tending to Ken without saying anything. No indication that Josh had told them about him. Sejun couldn't decide if it was good or not. Stell acted as if nothing happened.

Ken, on the other hand, was agitated. He suddenly stood up in spite of a protesting Stell and approached Sejun as soon as they locked gazes.

"Hey, I'm not done yet! _Ken_!" Stell yelled.

Ken grabbed Sejun by the collar of his shirt and stared at him intensely for a few seconds. Sejun saw the anger and bitterness in Ken's eyes. Anger and bitterness that Sejun probably deserved but he didn't have time to deal with at the moment.

"If you're gonna punch me, go on and do it," said Sejun. "Don't hold back."

Sejun didn't know himself why he was egging Ken on. Maybe it was because he felt the need to be beaten. And Ken seemed like the type who would do just that, if asked.

But Ken let him go with a loud grunt.

"Look," Ken started. "I know it was wrong of me to start that fight. I can never take back what we lost... and I will apologize for that fucking stupid move.

"But I won't apologize for wanting to save Justin when you were so ready to give him up."

"Ken..." Stell started, and ran to Ken's side, fixing the loosened bandages.

"I know," Sejun said, not breaking eye contact with Ken. "Believe me, no one's as upset at me as I am."

The static from Josh's tech was the only thing breaking the awkward silence.

"But for now, the mission hasn't ended yet," Sejun said. "And if you're still up for it, we still need you here, Ken."

Ken tsk-ed and turned around (" _Stop moving_ ~~!" Stell complained). "Just tell me what I need to do. Don't give me a sappy pep talk. It won't bring him back."

_It won't bring him back_. It was like cold water being poured on all of them. It won't bring Justin back, but they still had to move forward.

_No_ , Sejun thought. No amount of self-loathing would bring back their gummy-smiled technical analyst. Perhaps that was the truth that was hardest to accept. It was their mistake, but Justin paid the price.

Nobody spoke for a while, perhaps thinking along the same lines as Sejun. Until Stell got too annoyed with the low-frequency screeching that came from Josh's gadgets.

" _Josh what is that annoying grinding sound_?!" Stell complained, having finished bandaging Ken.

"I don't know..." Josh said. "It's been going on for a while. It's from one of our mouthpieces but---"

"Wait, turn the volume up?" Stell stood up without warning and approached Josh. "Hear that? It's familiar."

Josh nodded, and suddenly he looked like he was slowly getting in on what Stell was up to. The grinding was there through the static. It was faint and controlled, but it was definitely there.

"I can---I can---I'll try to trace it---"

"Hurry! _Hurry_!" Stell exclaimed, voice breaking.

Now Sejun knew that Josh had diligently retrieved all their mouthpieces, even the one from Ken while he was unconscious. There was only one active mouthpiece that they hadn't gotten the chance to recovering.

Sejun and Ken approached them, curious. Sejun leaned down closer to hear the grinding better. 

Only, it _wasn't_ just grinding. It was a series of long and short beeps.

"It's Morse," Sejun said, heart beating wildly in his chest. "It's _Morse_ \---!"

" _Sejun_ ," Josh said, one hand on his knee, "I know you're riled up but you have to breathe, okay? We may only get one chance at this."

" _What the heck is going on_?" Ken asked, confused.

"Hear that grinding?" Stell explained excitedly. "That's Justin."

Sejun heard Ken gasp, but then reminded himself to focus on the code that hopefully-Justin was giving them. _M... A....?_

"How do you mean?" Ken asked, now leaning in with the group, listening intently to the grinding from the speaker. "Wait... that's---"

"That's _Justin_ ," Stell said hysterically. "He finally put his grinding to good use!"

"Easy, Stell," Josh warned. "We're not sure if---"

" _A_... _I_... _S_..." Sejun said, "It's M-A-I-S..."

"MAIS?" Ken asked. "Is that short for something?"

"No, it's mais. _Corn_ ," Sejun asked, almost laughing. "That's Justin."

He looked at Josh, then Stell, and finally, Ken.

"We got him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, i wonder if there's a josh cullen santos out there whom i can be friends with.
> 
> no profile for ken because, technically, he is not an agent
> 
> [justin as a secret agent]
> 
> Agent Profile:  
> Agent No: SB-07777  
> Full name: [REDACTED]  
> Age: [REDACTED]  
> Assignment: Technical analyst; field agent (applicant)  
> Background: [REDACTED]  
> Strengths: computer systems, hand-to-hand combat (intermediate)  
> Additional Notes: firearms license application endorsed by SB-05416, pending approval; application for field agent position endorsed by SB-05416, pending examination; don't ask him to make jokes


	5. reload: he sleeps with one eye open [ justin's story ]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what happened to justin was a story they never liked talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: implied torture, drugs, crying justin, and mediocre+unproofed writing
> 
> chapter is based off of what little i know of drugs. i cannot name a specific drug used on justin in this chapter, so i will leave it at that. please be reminded that this is a work of fiction, and i do not intend to make anyone uncomfortable with whatever you read here.
> 
> please mind the warnings before proceeding. thank you.

**RELOAD: he sleeps with one eye open [ justin's story ]**

The sound that the heavy metal doors made as they shut was perhaps one of the worst sounds Justin has ever heard of. It sounded like the gong sound in games whenever something bad was going to happen.

Suddenly, all his bravery and self-assurance disappeared. He was left immobile on the spot thinking, "What the heck did I just do?"

Justin assumed a sitting fetal position as he tried to collect himself. 

_Okay, Justin_ , he thought. _Sejun and the others are gone. Now, what_?

Justin looked around the small control booth. His best chance at getting out would be windows, but there were none in the booth. He tried recalling the layout of the building.

_Ah! There were windows upstairs!_

Justin formulated a plan quickly in his head. Sejun would have been proud at how calm he was about it. He listened intently to his surroundings, trying to guess how many hostiles he still had to get past.

There were around seven before. Stell shot three of them. _Four people_? Justin could probably take on four people, right?

Justin was just about to spring into action when the door opened and one of the larger goons opened the door to the booth.

" _Hey_!" he exclaimed, voice low and menacing.

_Uh-oh! Time to run!_

With all his weight forward, Justin tackled the larger man towards one of the sharper edges of the tables nearby. The man gave a loud yelp, hurt. 

Justin took this as his opportunity to escape. But the man quickly recovered and grabbed the hem of his clothes. This didn't deter Justin, however, and he flexibly maneuvered his way out of his jacket, out the control booth and up the stairs.

_Windows, windows! Gotta find windows!_

Justin could hear more men notice his presence now. They were all shouting "Hey!" or some variant, but he could hardly care. His heart was beating right out of his chest as he sprinted up the staircase.

They were coming after him. Justin could only continue running as he looked for a window. He found one right at the top of the stairs and wasted no time opening it.

_Woah, that's high_ , he thought to himself as he looked down. He was probably more than twenty feet up. Justin was having second thoughts about jumping just as he put his foot on the ledge.

But there was no turning back. Footsteps were getting closer now. Justin was made to choose between death by falling or death by gunshot. Both were painful ways to die; but one was more preferable than the other, in Justin's opinion.

_It'll be fine_ , he thought. _Just channel your inner Josh_ , he said to himself. 

Justin jumped. Mid-air, he focused his thoughts on ways how he would look for his teammates. But perhaps that would come later. Right then, he knew his priority was getting out alive.

Justin didn't even have time to feel the pain as he made impact with the gravel only seconds after. He landed on his side with muted thud. He immediately got up, wobbled... fell. 

_Sejun said they'd come for me_ , he thought. _I have to be alive for that!_

He wanted to think that he still got up and walked, but Justin couldn't tell anymore. He felt nothing. Everything started to go dark.

* * *

"... gonna do with him?"

_Sejun_?

"Is... even alive?"

_Not Sejun... Josh_?

"... to the boss... might know... do about him."

_Too tired... everything hurts..._

Justin blacked right back out again.

* * *

Justin had never been woken up more rudely before. Ice cold water drenched his entire body and he regained consciousness with a loud gasp.

" _Hey_ ," someone called. "Hey!"

Justin tried to see who was talking, but he could only see black. He moved his head from side to side, confused. What was going on?

" _Hey_!" he called again, grabbing Justin rudely by his cheeks. Light peeked from underneath the darkness as Justin was made to look up, but he could make nothing out. Not with the blindfold that was covering his eyes. "Hey, kid!"

Justin gritted his teeth. He had a very bad feeling about where he was and why he was there. But he had to show no fear, or the enemy might get to him.

"You awake?"

Somebody slapped Justin just a little bit on the cheek. He made no response, trying to focus on his breathing. In... out... deep breaths.

" _Who 'ya workin' for_?!"

The annoying squeaky-voiced man kept repeating his question over and over, every now and then grabbing Justin's hair or slapping him. 

Justin's heart was thumping in his chest. Every fiber in his being was telling him to scream, to thrash wildly in the chair he was apparently tied to. To yell for his teammates. To break down crying.

But no, he thought. He couldn't betray them like that. He had to stand his ground. Whoever these guys were who held him captive, they wanted his teammates. And while Justin wanted to find them, he couldn't put them in danger.

So until he was sure he was alone... he had to hold his own.

_Breathe in... out... Be calm, Justin. Be calm._

" _Stop_." A different, more commanding voice silenced the room. Justin could feel the hairs at the back of his neck stand up. "This method won't work... not _yet_."

From what Justin could hear, this other man was walking around him. His shoes tapped on the wooden floor as he walked. Justin could feel a slight back and forth swaying around him, but that could have just been him.

"But he will break... _eventually_." The voice was calm now. And it seemed like he was determined, too.

_Be calm, Justin. Be calm!_

Without any warning, one guy---no, _two guys_ \---held onto Justin's shoulders, and he felt the rope tying his hands together at his back being loosened. he tried to fight his way out, but his struggle was meaningless. They were too strong, and perhaps it would be more dangerous if he tried to fight his way out of the situation... for now.

Somebody, Justin didn't know or care who, grabbed Justin's left arm and tied a thinner rope just above his elbows. It was a tight one, and Justin's bad feeling was back again.

_No! No!_ his mind went. But it only came as quick and shallow breaths as he tried helplessly to move.

"Don't worry, this won't kill you," the same voice said. "But maybe you'll be more agreeable on this that without it."

A needle pricked Justin's flesh and he could only imagine his veins now pulsing with some unwelcome substance against his will. He was struggling in their grip again, to no avail, as they tied his hands back together behind him.

All of a sudden, Just felt calm... as if he was floating. He felt the entire world around him rock back and forth a little more wildly. He was pretty sure someone was talking in plain language... before it turned gibberish... he couldn't understand what he was saying. Someone probably kicked or punched him, because he was lying on his sides on the wet floor again. To his surprise, he didn't feel anything.

And just before he lost consciousness, Justin started praying to God to please, please save him because he felt really, really _gooooooood_.

And it was not a good thing.

* * *

_"Codenames?" Stell asked, an eyebrow raised. "Like when you're in kindergarten and you want your friends to call you a petname, or something like that?"_

Justin remembers laughing at that. He might even be laughing right now, he could feel his cheeks on the cold, wet floor.

_"It might come in handy," Sejun said. "Like, we could call you... Berry or something."_

_Stell gave Sejun the stink-eye. "But you guys do call me Berry sometimes."_

_"Josh could be... Barb, short for barbecue."_

_Josh scoffed, but did not retort. He was busy tinkering with his gadgets again._

Justin's eyes opened, suddenly sober. His brain throbbed painfully against his skull. His entire body was aching. He was still tied and blindfolded. He was pretty sure he was on his side against a corner, he could feel walls close to him. 

But he was probably alone, wherever he was. He could hear no one whispering or moving. Just his own breathing and a distant creaking... and did he hear water?

_"Justin..." Sejun looked at him, eyebrows furrowed. Then, as if there was a joke in what he was thinking, "...we'll call you_ Corn _."_

And in that short lucid moment, Justin remembered Josh and Sejun and the tech he still had with him. As he started to stealthily send his message. he prayed to God that his two older comrades would be mindful of their tech.

His brain was still beating against his skull. His hands were aching as they twisted awkwardly at his back. He was starting to feel woozy again.

When Justin had finished sending the message, he forced himself to sleep.

* * *

"...still not talking," someone said. It was a different person this time. 

Justin was fully conscious then, so he tried to remember every minute detail so he can report to Sejun later.

"What does the boss want with him anyway?" another asked. Footsteps were approaching Justin, and he tried to remain as still as possible.

Somebody grabbed Justin by the arm and dragged him across the cold wooden floor. He had to grit his teeth to keep himself from screaming in pain. Justin was pretty sure by now that he had a broken right arm.

"Information. Names. They stole something important from the boss' office."

_The ledger_ , Justin thought, and immediately sent a frantic Morse code.

"Hey, wake up," the first person said. Then, he punched Justin on the cheek so hard that Justin tasted the blood from inside his mouth.

Heart beating wildly in his chest, tears threatening to pour out from his eyes, Justin continued to send the code. _LEDGER. LEDGER._

There were people grabbing Justin again, untying his hands from behind his back. They held out his left arm again, and this time he tried to fight back. But there were apparently three---four?---people there. Robbed of sight and one arm broken, Justin stood no match.

Justin could only whimper as they pricked him again. Breathing becoming faster, more shallow... and then only a few moments later, Justin was floating.

"Hey..." someone called out. But it sounded warped in Justin's ears. " _What's your name_?"

Justin moved his mouth, uncertain what was coming out. Why does he sound like that? _It's funny_...

"Where are your buddies, huh?"

Justin couldn't even remember what was being asked. Then he heard his own voice keep repeating 'ledger'... over and over again. _Ledger? What ledger?_

"Hey!" Somebody slapped him, but he didn't feel it anymore. "Where's the ledger?"

Justin probably said something extremely rude after that. Because right before he blacked out, he was so sure somebody had punched him in the face.

* * *

In the lucid moments when he was actually himself, Justin tried to organize his thoughts. He _tried_ , because many times he would often break down sobbing or just feel so irritable he could kill someone.

He had stopped counting hours when he realized he had no way of telling what time it was. Instead, he counted _cycles_. One cycle typically started with him waking up. Sometimes, he would have a long time to recollect his thoughts or sob in his corner. Oftentimes, he would be dragged by some unknown person to a chair. 

Then, they would drug him. It wasn't pleasant... until it _was_. It was during these times that Justin was grateful that his punishment wasn't more extreme... because he could at least dissociate from his painful reality and into a floating cloud of darkness. He believed that they would interrogate him during his altered state of consciousness; he didn't know how much information he has been giving them either. 

But Justin felt like he had been keeping his mouth shut, at least. If the increased intensity of their physical beating wasn't any indication, then the fact that they had not given him any food or water probably was. Blessing or curse. Justin couldn't decide yet.

The cycle usually ended with him either blacking out or being dragged back to what he believed was 'his corner'. Regardless, he always fell asleep with the feeling that he was floating.

So far, he had counted eight cycles. In three of these cycles, the 'boss' was there to oversee things or ask Justin questions. In five of those, Justin had been sober enough to send codes to his teammates. In two of those cycles, Justin had pleaded them to kill him. But always, _always_... they would not give him such a mercy.

* * *

Nobody was coming for him. They probably thought he was dead.

He might as well be. _Oh God, why don't you just kill me now?_

Justin screamed. For what seemed like a very long time.

And then, he cried himself to sleep.

* * *

Justin noticed that more and more time passed between each cycle, because he would often be awake for a while before they dragged him to 'his chair'.

They were at least still drugging him. At least then, he's not feeling hungry or thirsty.

Two cycles passed again. But Justin couldn't care any less.

* * *

He was probably dead. Oh, please, _please_ , let him be dead. Because he was quite comfortable then.

He was floating. _Rocking_? Yeah, he was being rocked back and forth, stronger than the one he had been accustomed to over the cycles. The wind was cold against his face. And there was a warmth around him that he pressed himself closer to.

And... there was the smell of musky perfume and sweat. Justin's eyes fluttered open to see where it was coming from... and he could see _light_. Dim light, but light nevertheless. Light... and it hurt his eyes.

Somebody was looking down at him. Their eyes met. And suddenly, Justin could feel his heart beat in his chest as fear and dread started to creep into him.

He screamed and thrashed wildly to release himself from whatever strong force was holding on to him.

" _Shit_!" the man said. " _Ssssshhh! Justin, sssshhhh_!"

But Justin kept screaming.

" _Yeah, he's awake_ ," the man said frantically. "But he's--- _Justin, no! It's me!_ "

Justin's eyes found their focus. And he saw a familiar face.

" _You're_ \-----?" Justin thought he said, recognition dawning on him. Relief enveloped him from head to toe.

"Yeah," he replied. "Yeah, _it's me_..."

And at that moment, everything hit Justin like a wrecking ball and he cried. He grabbed his companion's shirt tightly and sobbed for a good long while.

So they hadn't forgotten him, after all.

Sejun had come back for him... after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'he sleeps with one eye open' actually refers to justin.


	6. chasing bullets (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sejun, Josh, Stell and Ken figure out how to save Justin... all while facing their own battles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to cut this part in half because it's too long. also, a lot happened in the five/six days when justin was held captive
> 
> warnings for: angst, anxiety, mediocre+unproofed writing, another long chapter

**FOURTH BULLET: chasing bullets (part 1)**

The second message arrived at around noon. Ken couldn't really remember the exact time. All he knew was they were all listening intently to the series of long and short beeps... even if he didn't know how to decode it.

Justin's message at dawn was like an olive branch. Everybody was suddenly awake and energized. It didn't matter that they hadn't eaten or slept yet. All that mattered was that Justin was alive.

Ken felt as if the world's entire weight was lifted from his shoulders. He had another chance. He was going to make it right. And while he was but an outsider in that team, he felt just as eager to take Justin back.

So they waited. All senses focused on the slightest static that Josh's equipment emitted. They had been waiting for hours until finally, at noon, there was a grunting sound from the speaker.

"Josh, volume up," Sejun commanded smoothly. Ken side-eyed him. The leader looked calm as he leaned in closer, but Ken could see his hands tremble a little.

There were soft murmurs on the other line. Any noise that wasn't Justin was hardly audible, and reception was bad. But they all heard them. Faint, but there. It was only mumbling for a few seconds.

Suddenly, Justin was sending frantic beeps again. Sejun was quick to grab a pen and a small notepad from somewhere and started writing. They all watched him, helpless.

" _L... E... X..._ no, it's D... So, _L-E-D_ \---" Sejun mumbled.

But Justin's message was cut off when he was suddenly huffing and gasping on the other line. Ken paused, listening for any indication as to what could be happening. 

_Huff, huff, huff_. Stell put one hand over his mouth, the other on Josh's shoulder. He gripped hard.

"Come on, Jah," Stell's pleas came out like a whisper. " _Don't give up, bunso_...!"

Justin's breathing gradually slowed down, calm. Ken could see Stell's grip loosen, as if something good was happening. Ken knew otherwise. There was a bad feeling in his gut that he could not quite place yet.

The code stopped and the murmurs resumed.

"LED? A LED board? _What is this, Justin_?!" Sejun hissed, frustrated.

Then, Justin's voice came out crisp and clear.

" _Ledger_..." it said. "... _Ledger_...."

Josh sat up, alert. He started patting his person for an unknown object. 

"I had it here somewhere," he said. In the background, Justin's drawn-out voice kept repeating 'ledger, ledger'. 

Josh finally found what he was looking for among the chaotic pile of his things in the corner. It was a small, leather-bound, black notebook with a silver clasp. "This was the ledger I found at the office."

Stell moved quickly behind Josh, and they started pouring over the contents of the notebook. Sejun watched from a distance, impatience apparent as his eyebrows scrunched up in the middle of his forehead. 

"There are no names but..." Josh started. "...each entry is a series of numbers. The first eight digits are dates, for sure... See this? 2020... 03... That's March..."

Stell nodded. "Yeah, I see what you mean."

"After the date... these are binary codes... zeroes and ones. _Hm_..."

Josh and Stell continued to decode the numbers on the ledger, Sejun eventually joining them after a few seconds.

Ken, on the other hand, continued listening to Justin's slow and lazy voice. Something was _wrong_.

" _Ask the Ice King, dumba~~ss_..." came Justin's drawl. His voice had a tinge of hysteria to it, and that was the only validation Ken needed to confirm his suspicions. 

"How tight-lipped is Justin?" he asked, his thoughts running a million miles a minute.

Stell was the only one who acknowledged his question. "He knows how to keep secrets, that's for sure. _Why_?"

"Because they are _gorking_ him," he said, eyes looking intensely at Stell. "If he spills any more than necessary, your entire operation---no, even your entire _organization_ is as good as dead."

His statement was like a thunderclap. They were quiet. Stell looked concerned. Josh was looking at Sejun. Sejun continued pouring over the writings on the ledger.

The pause lasted for some time before Sejun finally said, "I trust Justin."

Stell's head snapped angrily towards his leader's direction. " _Sejun, they're using him to_ \---!"

" _I know, Stell_ ," Sejun replied, his gaze deadly and his voice firm. "And Justin is doing his best. That's why we need to do our part... _for him_."

They were all silent for a while. Ken felt a pang of guilt for having looked down on Justin's own efforts. Was Justin even a weakling to begin with?

"...we prioritize the mission," Stell said and then looked straight at Ken. "Justin knows this, too."

And now, Ken was starting to respect it. ' _Prioritize the mission_ '. Keep doing what you're supposed to do. But maybe that didn't mean ' _abandon the men_ '? Ken looked at his companions and recalled what little he knew about them. Would these guys ever give up on a comrade? Definitely not. They would be the last people to give one member up without a fight. Even if they had a mission to do, they would definitely fight tooth and nail for one of their own.

' _Prioritize the mission_.' Prioritizing it means that they need to keep their head in the game even if one of you falls. But it was not a disregard for their life. Maybe it was the opposite---it was _faith_. They held on to the belief that their comrade would do his part to complete the mission. And so should they.

Ken wasn't fully sold to the idea yet but now he understood where they were coming from... _maybe_.

"Well, that's that, I guess," Josh said, heaving as he got up. He stretched his back and his shoulders before quickly grabbing the ledger from Sejun. Then, he dumped his heavy laptop and his other gizmos in a bag.

"Where are you going?" asked Stell, confused.

" _Civilization_. These transactions are bound to have digital footprints. I only have dates and codes for now, but I can probably trace these... maybe Jah, too," Josh replied, smiling tentatively. "But I can't do it without a decent WiFi connection."

"Okay. You go and do that, Josh. I'll stay here and wait. Justin will be sending more messages," Sejun said with certainty. "Stell?"

Stell looked warily at Sejun, and then at Josh. "Fine... I'll stay here and stand guard, just in case. But be careful, alright, Josh?"

Ken watched as Josh slung his enormous bag over his shoulders while Sejun took over Josh's corner. Stell, on the other hand, was standing closely by the leader with a protective but distant stance.

Just like that, the group transitioned from close-knit family members to well-trained soldiers right in front of Ken's eyes. It happened so smoothly that Ken almost couldn't tell when it they fully shifted gears.

_Prioritize the mission_ , he thought to himself. _Do what you can do_.

"I'll go with Josh," he announced. He looked specifically at Sejun, watching for any sign of disapproval.

Sejun only nodded at him. "Okay. Good thinking. Josh needs a lookout, at least. Thank you, Ken."

Ken blinked, a little bit surprised that Sejun agreed. So he wasn't a complete ass-hat who turns down every idea that wasn't his own. _Noted_.

Ken turned his back wordlessly, after getting over the initial shock. There was a ghost of a smile on his lips that he tried to fight. Josh noticed this as they walked, but he made no comment.

* * *

Josh leaned back on the couch at the corner of the coffee shop. It was one of the less crowded coffee shops in the city proper. Since he arrived, Josh counted less than ten people who came to the shop. It was a good place for him to work: it was quiet, they had a so-so WiFi connection. Josh could almost forgive their mediocre coffee.

He stared at the codes on his laptop screen. After securing his connection with limited resources, reinforcing his software, and consequently scouring the digital space for any lead that might help him, three things were apparent to Josh.

One, whoever wrote the ledger was good---but not as good as Josh was. Josh had the feeling that the ledger would spell out dates, item codes, and possible bank accounts. There were even digits that looked like IP addresses. It was only a matter of decoding it, looking up names, narrowing them down to a top ten list, tracing which local and offshore accounts belonged to whom, and concentrating on specific areas in the Zamboanga Region for potential drop-off points.

All of these, Josh did with the laptop he made from scratch and the coffee that was too sweet for his liking. Yes, whoever wrote the ledger was good, but he'd have to try harder to outsmart Josh.

Two, judging by what Josh was able to pick up, the operations that they were going up against was big money. Not just big money; it was old money, too. Josh wonders how in the world the public can easily turn a blind eye to these illegal activities. Then again, what could the lower tier of society do against superpowers?

If their team of unknowns were going to do something about it, they had to be extremely careful; a point which he immediately texted to Sejun.

Third, Ken was hiding something. Well, Ken wasn't the easiest person to figure out so Josh had to be creative. And being creative meant sticking a small tracking device on Ken's clothes. The ghost had left Josh as soon as they got to the coffee shop without so much as an explanation. Josh didn't think it was necessary to push yet, so he had been watching Ken as a small red dot at the bottom right corner of his laptop screen.

The red dot was approaching Josh's location, which meant that he was coming back after three hours of leaving Josh to his devices. That was a long time.

As if on cue, Ken entered the coffee shop. He kept his head down, cap covering half of his face, as he approached Josh.

"You done?" He asked as he sat down in front of Josh. He crossed his arms on the table. "What did you find?"

Josh gave him a disarming smirk, before reaching his hand out to touch the back of Ken's neck. Ken froze upon contact. Then, Josh stripped off the small tracking device from the back collar of his hoodie.

" _What the actual fuck_?!" Ken yelled loudly. " _I thought you were going to snap my neck or something_!"

Josh gestured an apology to the staff and other patrons in the coffee shop for his companion's rude behavior before turning to Ken. He held his hand open and showed his younger companion the device, which was a little smaller than a five-centavo coin.

"I won't snap your neck if you tell me what you've been up to," he said, same smile directed at Ken.

Ken stared blankly at Josh for a few seconds before leaning back on his chair, defeated. "So you found me out that quickly."

"It wasn't hard to do," Josh replied. "I knew you were up to something the moment you volunteered to come. Sejun probably did, too."

"Wow, you are all _so full of yourself_."

"You should have figured that out the first time we tangoed, Ken," Josh said, hiding the device in his pants pocket. "So... where have you been?"

Ken scratched the back of his head. "I was... gathering information."

" _Information_?"

He nodded. "They're definitely hiding Justin somewhere, right? I had to go and ask around if any of the people I knew had something to go on. It wasn't exactly easy, since word probably got around that I opposed the boss last night."

It had been tugging at the back of Josh's mind that Ken might have rubbed people the wrong way with what he did at the storehouse. In the community of unaffiliated mercenaries, this could mean having eyes looking for you. Josh knew of cases where elite ghosts had been headhunted for a bounty on their heads.

"And did you find anything out?" Josh asked, and only this time did he see that Ken had a split lip and there was some blood on his nose. So there probably was a bounty on Ken's head now.

"Yeah, _somehow_ ," he replied, smiling. "There are people I trust more than others. It's only a matter of getting to them."

"What do you mean?"

"You know Mav, right?"

Josh's eyes widened. " _Maverick_? _That_ Mav?!"

"Same one," Ken said. "He's here on a separate business, thought I'd say hi."

"Ken, I don't think that was a good idea---"

"I only asked about what he knew of any activity from his competitors. I'm not dumb enough to spill everything. I trust him."

"We _don't_..." Josh pinched the bridge of his nose in between his thick eyebrows. "Ken, you just gave information about one big-time drug dealer to _another_ big-time drug dealer!"

Ken laughed and Josh wanted to punch him.

"This is the problem with you agency guys. You refuse to use resources that aren't aligned with _your brand_ of morality." Ken crossed his arms over his chest and looked down. "So you label everybody who is not 'with you' as 'against you', when in fact we're all just fighting for something we believe in."

"And what do _you_ believe in?" Josh asked.

"I believe in _Mav_ ," he replied curtly. "I know how he thinks and works, and I know he won't do anything that would harm the people he cares about."

Josh had always been curious about the enigma that was sitting across him. Ken was interesting in that he had no allegiances, yet he was fiercely loyal and worked as if he did. He was good at his job, but never stayed with one group for longer than what he deemed necessary.

And here he was, literally a walking target, doing what he can to save a mere stranger whom he has known for less than two weeks.

" _Alright_ , I won't bother you anymore about that," Josh said. "But if Sejun finds out I'm going to save my own ass, you hear?"

"Why are you all afraid of Sejun? He's so _puny_."

" _Oh-ho_ , you haven't seen him with a gun, bro." Josh involuntarily shivered. "Anyway, what did you find out?"

Ken looked as if he thought about the first half of what Josh said, decided it didn't matter, and then placed both his hands on the table.

"Mav doesn't know about incoming shipment but he's been keeping a close watch," he started. "He said that they've been getting busy in three places, like they're preparing for something big."

"And those three are...?"

Ken leaned in closer. "He gave me three general locations, because he doesn't have specifics either. So I was going to visit a few old contacts once I take you back to the hideout."

"You're kidding," Josh said incredulously. "You're going out there alone, with people after you? _Not a chance_."

"This isn't your business, Josh," Ken said, "and it'll be dangerous... It's best if I---"

Josh held up a hand in front of Ken's face. " _One_ : this is about Justin and the mission so it _is_ my business. _Two_ : you're forgetting that you have never won against me in a fight, so I think you'll be glad to have me along.

" _Three_..." Josh put his hand down and looked at Ken in the eyes for added emphasis, "this is _our_ fight, Ken. You don't need to do this alone. You're part of the team now."

Ken looked as if he had heard the strangest, most confusing thing that had ever been said to him.

Then he looked down, sheepishly scratched the back of his neck, and said, "Alright, I guess. But I can't assure you that the people we'll be meeting won't try to shoot you at first sight."

"Pretty sure I can take them," Josh said, and smirked confidently at Ken.

* * *

**From: +639xxxxx5503**

might be on to something.  
don't wait up. message you  
when we have deets.

Stell ' _tsk_ '-ed at Josh's message again after reading it for the millionth time. He had received the message the night before and felt relieved. Obviously, any lead to completing their mission and getting Justin back was valuable. He trusted Josh (and surprisingly, Ken, too) to do what was needed.

But it had been 15 hours without a message or update. Stell was starting to get concerned. 

Protocol prohibited Stell from sending any message that could be intercepted, if it wasn't necessary. But it was in his nature to worry about his comrades. He had almost texted Josh for an update thrice. He was torn.

It didn't help either that Sejun had all but barricaded himself in one room of their hideout. The only times Sejun leaves the room was for quick bathroom breaks. If Stell didn't hand him meals every now and then, he probably would have gone without food or water.

So Stell waited. He had done everything to pass time. He worked out (over and over and over), he practiced practiced hand-to-hand combat by himself, he meditated... 

_Please... No... No more, please...!_

But Justin's voice echoed in his head. 

Before Sejun holed himself up in the room, he and Stell were waiting for Justin's next messages in the living room. Justin was successfully able to send ' _waves_ ' as their next clue, Stell and Sejun internally cheering for their youngest teammate's hardiness.

But their happiness was short-lived. Almost immediately, they heard Justin grunt and whimper.

They heard him struggle before he was panting again, pleading, " _Please_... _No more_... _Please_...!"

Stell listened to Justin beg his captors to stop, his hands trembling at his sides. When Justin calmed down---a signal that he was not fully conscious---Justin desperately called out for them.

" _Berry~~Berry~~_ " he said first, calling for Stell. Then, he called for Sejun and Josh, even Ken.

Justin's voice was so out of it, so helpless that Stell wanted scoop him up and hide him somewhere safe.

_Berry... Be~~rry.._. 

By the time Stell noticed himself trembling with tears in his eyes, Sejun already had his hands on Stell's shoulders. The leader gave him a firm shake.

"You okay?"

Stell could only look at Sejun as he said, "I'm going to _kill_ them."

After that incident, Sejun had kept Stell away from their equipment, and away from Justin's cries and whimpers. Stell was thankful. Sejun knew he was highly sensitive and emotional. But at the same time, Stell couldn't help but worry about his leader who now had to listen to Justin's torture on his own.

The sharpshooter looked at Josh's message again as he made his way inside the house. Stell had spent the entire day exercising and training, but no amount of physical activity seemed to calm him.

He was just about to enter the kitchen to prepare a simple dinner, when there was a loud yell that came from Sejun's room.

" _Please_! _Enough_!" it said in Justin's voice. And then grunts. Something fell and hit the concrete floor.

Stell rushed inside the room, ignoring the disturbing sounds that were coming from the speaker. There he saw Sejun hunched in the corner, frozen as if in shock.

" _Sejun_!"

It didn't seem as if his leader heard him. Stell shook Sejun by the shoulders and knelt in front of him. There was chaos swimming in Sejun's eyes, the same one Stell had seen during the night Justin was left behind.

"Sejun? Can you hear me?" Stell had no idea what to, but he tried to catch Sejun's eyes. " _Sejun_!"

Sejun trembled, his breath hitched and uneven.

"Sejun, _dre_ , you have to breathe, okay?" Stell commanded. " _Breathe_ , Sejun."

Sejun seemed to nod, although Stell wasn't certain if it was nodding or trembling.

Eventually, Sejun breathed easier. His eyes were no longer so fearful, and his body not so tense. For the lack of anything to do, Stell pulled Sejun into an awkward yet tight embrace. Justin's grunting died down, and there was only static again.

" _S-Sorry, Stell_ ," Sejun said after a while and broke off the hug. He wiped tears from his eyes and turned his back on Stell to the equipment. "I'm fine..."

"No..." he replied. "No, Sejun. You're _not_ fine."

"I will be..."

"That's what you _always_ say!" Stell stood up and approached Sejun, who was sitting on the ground, holding the speakers in his hands. " _What the heck is going on_?"

Sejun remained quiet.

"Your silence isn't making it any easier, Sejun. I'm really worried here!"

" _I'm... sorry_ , Stell..."

Stell got down on his knees so he was at eye level with Sejun. When their eyes met, Stell couldn't recognize who he was looking at. There was so much uncertainty in the way Sejun held his gaze that it broke his heart. It broke his heart to see his leader so weak and vulnerable.

"What's going on, Sejun?" he asked again. "Let me help because I'm feeling really useless just waiting here...!"

"I'm---" Sejun started, and took his head in one hand. "I just panicked... at everything. _Sorry_."

It was the first time for Stell to see Sejun so defeated. While it was not the first time Sejun had been proven infallible, it was probably the first time that it cost him this much. And while Stell still had a lot of anger towards Sejun for his cowardly behavior the night before, it was quickly outweighed by his concern for the man who was essentially his brother.

" _Look_ ," Stell started. "I know what you're thinking. That you're responsible for everything that went wrong. But you're _not_... 

"Well, okay. You're maybe _60%_ responsible for it."

Sejun gave a tired snicker.

"But Sejun, although I really want to punch your face for all the things you could've done better, I want you to know that I _still_ believe in you.

"You'll _always_ be Ice King. You'll _always_ be our leader." Stell gave Sejun an affirming squeeze to the shoulder. Sejun kept his head bowed, but put a hand over Stell's, gripping it tightly. 

"Whatever is going on with you... whatever that _freezing_ and _hyperventilating_ was... I won't pressure you to talk right now, okay? But I hope you'll tell me about it later."

"Okay," Sejun said. " _Later_."

Stell slowly stood up. "I'll go and prepare some dinner. Then I'll come back and wait for Justin with you, alright?"

Sejun kept his head down. "Yeah, okay..."

When Stell turned his back, he could swear he heard Sejun whimper a little.

Right then, Stell was sure that his leader was keeping something from him... something that Sejun thinks will disappoint him. He was sure of this, because they were as close as brothers came. Stell had known Sejun since they were trainees so he knew Sejun didn't take kindly to failure. When Stell came back later to bring him a meal, he made sure to be a comforting presence beside Sejun. 

Stell himself was almost breaking at the seams. As they continued to listen to Justin seemingly call out their names in his sleep, Stell had to stop himself from crying and running away.

But for now he was handling it better than his leader---his friend. He knew Sejun could be a little bit braver because he was there. He breathed easier. Until Sejun is more put together, Stell would remain by his side as a shoulder to lean on. And until he gathers enough humility to tell Stell what his demons were, Stell would have to be content with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🚢🌊📑


	7. chasing bullets (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: feels, ken's cursing, heavy narrations, mediocre+unproofed writing

**FIFTH BULLET: chasing bullets (part 2)**

Sejun breathed, and breathed again. It was already dawn, and Sejun was resting his body and mind.

Since Ken and Josh left their hideout, Justin had successfully given them several helpful cues: mais, ledger, waves; and just that day, rust and horn. So Justin would be by the sea, at a place with the strong smell of rust and the occasional horn. Perhaps the sound of a horn. 

If Sejun's hunch was correct, he would be at a pier or at least a dock. Josh's update---that he and Ken were given tips that their target was preparing his dock-side warehouses---only strengthened Sejun's hunch.

While that was a huge help, it didn't make the lump in Sejun's throat go away. It didn't loosen the tightness in his chest; didn't stop the trembling in his hands. In spite of everything, he still felt the need to bash his head into the wall. 

Given that all their clues were either related to sounds and smell, Sejun could only think that Justin mus be blindfolded. Blindfolded for almost a week, drugged, and beaten. Justin wouldn't be able to take more if they don't find him soon.

This could all have been prevented if he was more calm.

" _You tried, Sejun_!" Stell said earlier that day. 

Sejun had finally gotten calm enough to explain his circumstances to Stell. His younger companion reacted the way Sejun expected: defensively. After hearing about Sejun's anxiety, Stell quickly shifted from angry ("I couldn't believe you just froze there!") to worried ("What?! Are you okay now?") to coddling ("Oh Sejun, you've got to cut yourself some slack!"). As if his anxiety absolved Sejun of his faults.

This was what Sejun was most afraid of: Stell coddling his mistakes. Sure, anxiety was not easy to deal with. In a high-stress environment such as Sejun's job, his anxiety would definitely be an obstacle. But he had to keep working towards overcoming it, not use it as an excuse to fail them... to fail _Justin_.

Josh's reaction was different, more mature. He didn't justify Sejun's behavior or chop his head for it. He simply listened, being a sort of emotional pillar. Josh made him feel that although his anxiety was a problem, it didn't make him any less of a leader or a person.

Still, Sejun was glad to have spoken to Stell. If there was anyone who would remind Sejun to be less rigid, it would be him. There was an argument Stell made during their conversation that Sejun had to acknowledge and accept, sooner or later. 

" _Sejun, you have to stop being so damn hard on yourself_!" Stell said, his voice raising. "Sejun... _Paulo_... you're doing well as a leader, alright? Not perfect---far from it. But... I'll keep telling you until you believe it that I still trust you.... _we_ still trust you."

_The idiot cried before I did_ , thought Sejun as he gave the sleeping Stell a thankful smile. The sharpshooter had discreetly scooted to the corner a few hours ago, finally able to ignore the whimpering and crying from the speakers, and get some rest.

It was a good thing, too. Because after all the clues had been dropped, all Justin had been saying in his sleep was _SOS_... _SOS_... _just kill me_... _just kill me_.

Justin had also called each member of their team several times, his voice shuddering from perhaps the cold. And he was crying nonstop.

Sejun couldn't go to sleep because every time he closed his eyes, he would hear Justin's voice calling out to him. Begging him to just pull the trigger and kill him. 

Once they rescue their _bunso_ , would he still be the same? Would he still smile at them with his gummy smile? How much of himself would he leave behind, wherever his god-forsaken place of captivity may be?

Would Justin ever forgive Sejun?

The tightness in his chest resurfaced and Sejun had to remember to breathe. And breathe again.

_Always choose to be kind, Sejun_ , he thought to himself. _Always choose to be kind to yourself_.

There was the sound of an approaching vehicle from a distance. It was a vehicle Sejun didn't recognize. His guard was up. He turned the speaker's volume down and quietly grabbed his handgun.

He looked at Stell. He was already awake, reaching for his holsters. He nodded at Sejun when the vehicle stopped right in front of their hideout.

Without another word or a plan, they stealthily made their way out.

* * *

"Thanks for everything, X," Ken said. He lingered a little while longer at the passenger seat while Josh was unloading some equipment and gear from the back of the pick-up.

" _Eiiii_ ," she replied. "When you were younger, you used to call me Candy and tell me to keep the fuck out of your business. Guess this means you matured a little bit, huh?"

Candy reached out and ruffled Ken's hair, as she used to do when they were orphaned pickpockets roaming the streets of Zamboanga City. Ken batted her hand away, checking if Josh saw what had happened.

" _Stopstopsto~~p_!" he cried. " _I'm not a kid anymore_!"

The woman smiled at him. Then, she glanced at Josh and the home they were parked in front of put her hand on his cheek.

"Not a kid anymore," she said. "But you'll always be my baby brother of sorts."

" _Oh, God_. You're turning into such a _sappy old woman_!" Ken complained.

"And you're turning into such a disagreeable fella!" Candy laughed and pinched his cheek. "But I'm glad you found this team. They're... good people."

"Yeah..." Ken said sadly. He couldn't look at Candy, for fear that she would know exactly what his thoughts were. "They're good people, _I guess_."

Candy exhaled deeply. "Just be careful, a'right? In everything you do, do it swiftly, do it thoroughly---"

"Always be vigilant," Ken continued.

"And learn to _trust people_ , Felip," she said. "It'll save your life one day if you just learned to open up more."

He scoffed. "Yeah, well... good luck to me, then."

Ken hopped of the pick-up and grabbed the nearest container to him. Josh was still unloading the last of their heavy equipment. When he had finished, Candy sped off into the darkness.

_Trust people, huh_ , Ken thought as he carried the box toward the house, heaving. He had never really thought of himself as a distrustful person. After all, he made friends with anyone and everyone. He wondered for a little bit what Candy had meant by that.

Ken had just gotten past the door when someone shouted " _Freeze_!" and he, out of reflex, swung the heavy equipment container to where the sound was coming from. His swing was immediately blocked by a strong force and he lost his grip on the box. It landed with a loud thud on the floor.

_Shit_!

Ken swung again, this time with his left hand to whoever was there who had shouted. His arm was caught by a firm hand that grabbed his wrist.

" _Heyheyhey_! _Easy, Ken_!" Stell was crying out, half laughing and half yelling. "That's _Sejun_!"

" _What the fuck_!" he yelled, trying to release his wrist from Sejun's surprisingly strong grip. _Damn, he's strong_. " _What is wrong with you people_?! Is jumpscaring people your secret past-time?! _Geez_!"

Stell was now leaning on the wall, clutching his stomach as he hollered in laughter. " _Maaaa, I---I can't---_ "

"What's going on?" Josh said, already smiling as he entered the house.

"Someone's easily spooked," Sejun said, eyeing Ken.

Ken stomped in frustration, checking the equipment for damage. "Seriously, I thought you guys were attacked and killed or something! _What the fuck_!"

" _Aaaawwwweee_ ~~Did you worry about them Ken-Ken?" Josh teased as he lugged the heavy box past Ken in the hallway toward the living room.

Stell was still laughing as he passed Ken by to help Josh with their gear. "You should've--- _hahaha_ \---you were _too cute_!"

Ken gave Stell a nasty look, then turned to Sejun who was also stifling his laughter. "Sure, go ahead and laugh. That's not gonna help us in any way whatsoever!"

"Oh, yeah..." Josh said as he laid down the box on the floor. "Sejun, anything?"

"Basically more clues," Sejun was already serious in a snap. "It seems that a pier or a dock is becoming a most likely candidate for where they're keeping Justin."

"Knew it," Josh said, stretching his back. "Ken and I couldn't get close but of the three locations, two are piers. We can at least narrow it down to those two."

Sejun crossed his arms on his chest and held his chin with one hand. "Hm... it's best if we can know for sure where Justin is."

"There was a 'horn' clue, wasn't there?" Stell said, waddling towards them and carrying one huge box of equipment. "Whew, that's the last one!"

"Horn?" asked Ken.

"Yeah," Sejun replied. "It could be the sound of a horn like a ship or a lighthouse, maybe."

"Of the two piers, I think only one allows access to large ships,"Josh recalled. "But just to be sure, we'll have to scout both places more closely."

Stell rubbed his palms together and donned a sinister smile. "Scouting... _I like_."

"Alright," Sejun sighed. "We'll talk some more later. But both of you get some more rest for now. It's better to scout at night time anyway."

* * *

_What. The. Fuck._

_What. The actual. Fuck._

Ken repeatedly cursed in his head as he stood there, frozen like an icicle, watching Sejun hyperventilate.

" _Watch him for me_ ", Stell had told him. " _He might need you so watch him closely_."

_Okay, I'm watching him but what the fuck do I do?!_

It was right around sunset when Josh and Stell left the hideout on their stolen vehicle. After a day of planning, the group decided that it was wiser to scout the locations one by one. Josh and Stell being the most stealthy of the bunch (Ken opposed and said that he was much stealthier, but Josh had demanded that he was ' _a walking bulls eye_ ' so he was declined), Sejun had sent them away with strict instructions to scout and report only.

Ken didn't think of it much, until he realized that he would be stuck in the hideout with Sejun. It was like asking Ken to kill him.

But then Stell had talked to him and asked him so earnestly to baby-sit Sejun. As if he needed baby-sitting? He was a grown man with a vice grip---Ken's wrist felt like they had bruised after he grabbed them so hard.

Ken kept his distance the whole time. Only passing by the door to Sejun's room every now and then. Sejun also kept to himself. The whole while, he would just pace around the room or stop and stare at the speakers.

It was hard when they had no way of communicating of Justin. They couldn't ask him more specific questions. Josh said that his captors must have taken away his earpiece.

_But it's not like it would change anything_ , Ken thought. At this point, Justin would have had just about enough. There was hardly any discernible clue from Justin throughout the day. Just Justin sobbing.

It was hard to take so Ken distanced himself even more.

In the wee hours of the morning, Ken was lounging at the living room. He was bored out of his mind just thinking about his anime, when there was a guttural scream from the speakers.

It was a long, agonizing scream accompanied by the sound of rusted metal being hit several times. Justin was crying out to high heavens and it was heartbreaking.

_Watch him for me_ , Stell's voice rang in his head. Ken immediately got up and ran towards Sejun. He wasn't sure if it was a good choice or not.

Sejun had backed into the corner farthest away from the speakers. He was holding himself, arms crossed over his chest, and eyes displaying the same horror as he did a few nights back.

At first Ken thought he was just frozen in shock, but when Justin's screaming turned into sobbing Sejun was still immobile in the corner. That was when the hyperventilating started.

_What. The. Fuck._

_What. The actual. Fuck._

"Se-Sejun?" he asked tentatively. " _Dre_ , you okay?"

Sejun struggled to slow down his breathing. He opened his mouth with great difficulty, closed it again when he couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"A'right... just... _calm down_ , dre," Ken told him. He approached Sejun, his own hands shaking. _Why am I shaking_?

Sejun seemed to collect himself a bit better after a short while. "I'm fine."

_Okay_ , Ken wanted to say but he himself was stunned. Sejun looked so weak just then. So vulnerable that Ken could probably take a handgun and shoot him in the head---but where's the fun in that?

"Sorry, just---can you turn down the speakers a bit?" Sejun said softly as he slid down the wall, finally sitting on the floor.

After turning the volume down, Ken stood there watching Sejun. For what felt like a very long time. 

When he finally gathered his bearings, he said, "Sejun, _what the heck_?"

Sejun gave a quiet chuckle. "Sit down, Ken. Stop hovering over me. You're gonna give me another panic attack."

"Do people usually recover their bad attitude that quickly after a panic attack?"

"Not sure. But I'm certain I'm still a good shot, regardless. So _sit down_ ," Sejun said. 

Ken couldn't tell if he was joking or if he was serious. It wasn't that Ken was afraid of Sejun's tone---it wasn't. _It's not_ , he thought to himself. But he sat down on the floor in front of Sejun anyway.

"What the fuck, man," was the first thing Ken said after a while. Ken noticed that his heartbeat had slowed down considerably. "You shocked me, _what the fuck_!"

"Say ' _fuck_ ' again one more time and I swear, I am going to shoot you," Sejun said, head in his hands.

"You okay? Do you need water or something?"

"No, I---" Sejun took a deep breath. "---I'll be fine. Sorry you had to see that."

Ken only watched as Sejun kept massaging his temples as he took breath after deep breath. Ken waited and just watched until Sejun sat more upright, shoulders not hunched anymore, and he breathed more regularly.

Sejun was the one losing his breath but Ken felt like he was the one going crazy. He felt like crying and screaming at the same time when he saw Sejun utterly defeated by an enemy from the inside. Sure, the older man wasn't his favorite in the bunch; but Ken respected Sejun.

Sejun and vulnerability didn't seem like two things that belonged in the same universe.

"What the _fuck_ ," Ken whispered.

"Sorry if it shocked you," Sejun said. He couldn't raise his head to meet Ken's eyes. "At least you handled it better than Stell."

" _This happened yesterday, too_?" Ken asked. "Do you have a quota or something?"

Sejun laughed. He smiled so widely that Ken could see his braces glint in the dim moonlight of the dark room.

"Not exactly. This is the first time this happened consecutively."

"This is a _regular_ thing?!"

"Usually when I'm stressed," Sejun explained. "Or triggered."

"Looks like it got worse, man," Ken noted. He was not like that when Justin---when they were at the warehouse. "You should sue your shrink."

Sejun laughed again. "No, thank you. I quite like her."

There were so many things going on in Ken's head that he couldn't think of anything at all. So Sejun had anxiety. That must have caused him to short-circuit at the warehouse. He was hiding it from his members. And, oh, Ken couldn't hate him for it because--- _how was he supposed to kill this person if he had a valid reason_?

Ken groaned and felt a headache coming on. He lay on his back on the floor, arms and legs spread wide. "How am I supposed to hate you now?!"

"You can still hate me, if you want. I don't mind," said Sejun, chuckling.

"Nah, man. It's not fair. It's not even your fault. _Gah_!"

"It's not an excuse, Ken," Sejun said. "I may be handicapped by my anxiety but it's not a license to make mistakes."

Ken didn't quite get that. He hurriedly sat up and faced Sejun. "What do you mean?"

"I have a _responsibility_ , Ken," he said. "I should have foreseen that I might get triggered and prepared for it. But I didn't."

Ken didn't quite get that, either. Sejun was practically handicapped by a time bomb that could explode at any moment, yet he was saying it was not an excuse. Was this also part of the 'prioritize the mission' mantra?

If it was, then it was suicide.

"You look like you're struggling to grasp something," Sejun asked and took a deep breath. His body was now relaxed as he breathed.

"Why are you being such a dick to yourself?" was the only thing Ken could ask him.

It was Sejun's turn to be surprised. He looked like he didn't expect the question from Ken. He remained quiet for some time. Ken did the same.

"Hm... good question," Sejun said after a while. "Maybe it's because I'm the leader. A single mistake that I make... will be a disaster, as you already saw."

"Yeah, it's hard fighting an enemy inside and out," Ken said. He was pretty sure he had seen it somewhere in an anime before. 

"We're all fighting something, man. But I just don't want mine to hold the team back so I do what I can...

"Or... _I try_."

"Hm... Well it sucks. But it's also like you got an extra super power," Ken noted. He put his weight on both his hands on the floor, his legs spread out in front of him. "Like... since you've got an advanced memo, you can think of a way to prepare for it or something."

Sejun chuckled. "That's an interesting way of putting it, I guess. Regardless, we gotta do what we gotta do, right?"

_Ah_ , Ken thought. _We gotta do what we gotta do, huh_?

So it was like that. Maybe hanging out with these agency dorks were infecting Ken with some sort of overthinking disease. He blames Sejun.

But thanks Sejun. Prioritize the mission. Maybe Ken was overthinking what it meant. It was probably as simple and plain as ' _do what you got to do_ '.

What did Ken have to do? _S_ _omething stupid, probably_.

With that thought, Ken stood up and turned his back.

" _Ken_ ," Sejun said. Ken saw a serious and knowing look in his eyes that Ken couldn't help but respect now. "Whatever you're up to, I'll hope that you won't do anything like last time."

Ken only stared.

Then, Sejun said, "I trust you."

Ken only hummed an affirmation and walked away. It felt weird to hear that he was being 'trusted'. His job always came with the added bonus of people mistrusting him, though he himself was about 60% trusting. Since he had no allegiances, he could understand that. So why was it harder to accept that someone trusted him? And what exactly does he do with that?

Most importantly, why did he feel the need to keep that trust?

When he was out of Sejun's earshot, Ken looked at his phone and debated whether he should make the call or not. So Sejun trusted him. Did this call break that? Or will he understand that this is also something Ken had to do?

Eventually, the better, more impulsive part of Ken pushed him to dial the number. The receiver picked up in five rings.

"'Sup, secret agent?"

"Shut up and listen," Ken said. " _Mav_ , I need a favor."

* * *

Scouting was easy. Self-control, though. Stell was going to have to work on that.

He and Josh had successfully pinpointed where Justin was being held the first try. It didn't even take them a few hours to be sure. They had only been there for a few minutes when, as if the universe was conspiring, there was the sound of a ship's horn from a distance. It was the exact pier which had access to larger ships Josh had previously mentioned.

What made them sure was that one of the guards was particularly talkative. With Josh's sleuthing gear, it was easy to eavesdrop, even from afar. This particularly talkative guard was lounging by one of their smaller docks with a group of other guys. They were talking about how their 'guest' was 'hard to break'.

_Justin_ , Stell thought. He and Josh only looked at each other as the conversation went on. The guard was complaining about how Justin, presumably, was such a difficult case. How Justin was such a crybaby. How he was such a beautiful face but his incessant thrashing made it hard to get a closer look at his body.

" _Asshole_ ", Stell hissed under his breath. He was already aiming his rifle at the guy's head.

Stell would have shot the guard at that moment, but Josh stopped him.

"Now's not the time, Stell," Josh said.

"But he just said---"

"Scout and report," Josh had told him through gritted teeth. But Josh's hand was trembling, too, as he stared daggers at the man's back.

Stell put his rifle away and started packing up. Since they were more than certain of the location, they would need to hurry up and plan with Sejun and Ken. Josh helped him. In no time, they were already getting off of an old, abandoned watchtower a few hundred meters from the pier.

"If I see him again, I'm definitely going to shoot him in the balls," Stell said intensely.

Josh smirked at him. " _Not if I see him first_."

* * *

Sejun breathed, and breathed again. It was the middle of the night and they were just waiting for the right moment to move.

"Check your ear-pieces, mouthpieces," Josh said.

"Check," said Stell.

"Check," said Ken.

" _Check_ ," repeated Sejun. He adjusted the gloves on his hands and the holsters attached to his waist.

It had been a while since he was last in the field. He breathed and breathed again. Hopefully, his 'superpower' as Ken had so politely put it wouldn't give him so much trouble.

"Sejun, you good?" asked Josh. He put a hand on Sejun's shoulder and squeezed.

"Yeah, I'm good," he said. At the back of his mind, he replayed Justin's sobbing. Anger filled up his chest, deadly focus in his mind. They were only there to halt the operation and get Justin. But was it too much if Sejun wanted retribution?

Maybe that was too much to wish for.

Sejun breathed one last time before he turned to all three of his comrades. "Remember the mission. We just need to intercept the goods and grab Justin. Less noise, the better. Got it?"

Stell and Josh nodded.

"Don't you guys have a hype man or something? You're all _so serious_ ," Ken said.

Josh, Sejun and Stell gave him a dumbfounded look. He was both a breath of fresh air and a stumbling block. Sejun couldn't decide which was which.

"Or something to pump you up. Like... ' _Get in the zone_!' or something?"

There was the sound of a vehicle moving farther and farther away from their location. Even in their small hideout in the middle of a maze of containers, they could hear it.

The opportune moment.

"We break off here. Stick with your partner and keep each other updated, got it?" Sejun said with finality.

" _Get in the zone_!" Ken quipped.

Sejun looked at his companions. " _Break_!"

And they disappeared as quickly as shadows in two separate directions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nervous about the next chapter.


	8. come hell or high water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: bad fight scenes, mediocre+unproofed writing
> 
> might be a bit long, confusing, and fast-paced.

**SIXTH BULLET: come hell or high water**

Ken had to admit, it felt different having a "partner" on assignment. Even if he was paired with Sejun, whom he wasn't too fond of, there was a certain degree of security knowing that someone had his back.

He must have made a face because Sejun whispered, "What's up?" Ken shook his head. Sejun didn't need to know what he was thinking. _Definitely not_.

They had just split the group in pairs: Ken with Sejun and Josh with Stell. The reason was to have one long-range shooter with a close-range fighter. Ken couldn't agree more, but personality-wise he would have wanted to go with Stell. He had the feeling that Sejun paired with him intentionally to keep an eye on him, keep him from doing something stupid again.

Sejun raised his hand to Ken, a signal to stop. He leaned back on one of the large shipping containers, Ken following his lead. Then he carefully peeked around the corner. Then Sejun gave him a signal to continue moving, the leader silently going in front of Ken.

Ken confessed that with Sejun around he felt very calm. And Sejun didn't seem to be panicky, either. It was like Sejun was a completely different person.

_Or maybe he isn't triggered yet. We'll see_.

They were running under the shadows, keeping out of view from the multitude of armed guards in the dock-side warehouse. It was a little bit smaller than the previous one, but the tightened security confirmed their guess that the drugs must be coming in that very moment.

_Four people against an entire horde of uglies_ , he thought. _I like those odds._

Just as they passed the cluster of containers to the side of wooden building, Ken noticed an old container ship docked among a lane of newer cabin boats and cruisers.

Two things stood out to Ken in the split second that he glanced upon it. First, that it was guarded. Two people were roaming around the deck, armed and ugly. Second, there was a rusted container right in the middle which seemed to be the object of the uglies' patrol.

His legs stopped even before he could process this information. Here he goes again, being impulsive... _but_...

Sejun had noticed him lagging behind and ran back to Ken. "Something interesting?"

"Waves, rust... and metal," Ken said to himself as Sejun led him to a more obscured area. They hid behind a pile of shipping containers lining the small warehouse-side dock.

"Do you think that's where they're keeping Jah?" Sejun asked. He himself took a peek at the small vessel through the night scope Josh had given them. Ken had to hand it to Josh: he was a beautiful brain.

"Just a hunch," he replied.

"Two people. Another one just came out of the container," Sejun noted as he kept careful watch. "There's dim light inside... armed, but they don't seem to be dangerous."

Ken made an affirmative 'hmm'. "If the goods are arriving tonight, all the manpower will be assigned to the larger dock behind the warehouse."

"Okay," Sejun responded. "This shouldn't be that hard, then."

Ken snickered. If it came from anyone else, he would have found Sejun's statement arrogant. But there was such a cool confidence in his voice that Ken believed what he said.

_So this is what they meant when they said Sejun was a scary fighter_.

Wordlessly, Sejun took out a curious-looking gun with a longer barrel that had been strapped to his right leg.

"I'm going to put the two I can see to sleep. When I give the signal, run on ahead and I'll back you up," he commanded.

"Roger dodger," Ken said.

Immediately, Sejun peeked out of the container, got into a good but still partially hidden position, and fired a silent shot from his tranquilizer.

"One down," he said as if commenting on the weather. Another shot. "Two down. Go, Ken."

Ken ran past him, adrenaline pumping through his veins. He belatedly realized that he was smiling as his legs took one swift step after another. He jumped once he got to the edge of the dock and landed on the ship's deck. At his feet was one of the guards who was just beginning to close his eyes.

"Hey, ' _Noy_ ," he greeted right before the guard had fully closed his eyes.

Sejun got on the ship after him, landing with a soft thud.

"Good job, Ken. There's one more person I couldn't shoot. And if Jah is inside the container, they'd probably have a guard or two inside. _Be ready_."

This time, Sejun took the lead and ran to the half-open door of the container. Ken looked around for any sign of hostiles before going in after Sejun.

When they got in, the first thing that greeted him was the strong smell of dried blood. Ken winced at the smell. The long container was empty, save for a chair at the far end. Around it, the floor was stained with the mixture of water and blood.

The single light bulb barely illuminated the chamber, but Ken could only imagine what had been going on in there. Behind the chair was a table that was also empty, but he had an idea what it was for.

Finally, when Ken had taken the sights and the smell of the room he saw, lying in the dark with his back to them, a masculine figure curled up against a corner with his hands tied together at his back.

_Justin_ , Ken thought. He suddenly wanted to scream and punch something.

Then he heard Sejun take a sharp breath in. Sejun stood there, immobile.

With all the emotions Ken was feeling at that moment, he suddenly felt as if he had no right to even feel angry. Because with him was a man whose eyes were burning with bloodlust. Sejun was staring intensely at Justin's back.

_Now isn't the time, chief_ , Ken thought. Then he lightly punched Sejun on the shoulder.

This seemed to snap Sejun out of his stupor and he glared at Ken. It was a scary glare; and Ken, for the first time, admitted that he was afraid of Sejun... and sorry for the next fucker who would be receiving that look.

Ken cocked his head to Justin's direction and went ahead.

He approached Justin carefully, not knowing how the latter would react to the sudden company. He closed the distance between the door and Justin's corner in ten long but careful strides. He could hear Sejun walking carefully after him, footsteps as silent as a puma.

"Justin," Ken whispered to get a reaction from the captive. He knelt down behind Justin, but the other man didn't stir. "Justin, _it's Ken_."

No answer.

Ken carefully cut the thick ropes tying Justin's hands together before turning Justin to face them. Then, Ken took off the cloth that was blindfolding him and tossed it away. Justin was still unconscious.

He would be the first to say that he didn't have one, but seeing Justin in the state he was in broke Ken's heart nonetheless. For one thing, Justin was almost unrecognizable. There were dark circles under his eyes, dried tears on his sallow cheeks. His lips were cracked and split in multiple places. His face was bruised, and he had a glaring head wound that looked like it had healed and re-opened several times.

Justin's once-white shirt was stained red, yellow, and brown. It was torn everywhere. He was barefoot. And looking at him more closely, Ken could see that he had gotten really skinny. His bones seemed to stick out at awkward angles, particularly around his right arm. There were rope burns around his wrists.

And his arms... his arms had several red and dark blue pinpricks---a testament to what Justin had to endure.

Ken swallowed as he reached out and brushed the hair from Justin's face. He was burning hot, and slightly trembling, too.

"We got you, Justin," he whispered.

Ken turned to Sejun, who seemed to still be in a state of shock as he cataloged every single injury on Justin. There was murder in his eyes again... but Ken didn't have time for his melodrama.

"Dre, I'll carry him. Back me up," Ken said and scooped Justin up in his arms with surprising gentleness. When Sejun didn't respond, he said again, "Sejun, dre. _Can you back me up_?"

The emphasis and urgency in Ken's voice seemed to have gotten through to Sejun because he was focused again, though his eyes were glazed. "Yeah, I got you."

"You'd better," Ken said as he adjusted Justin's position. It was alarming how such a tall young man weighed so little in Ken's arms. "God knows my long-range shots are _shit_."

This caused Sejun to smile.

"Thank you---" he began.

But Ken cut him off. "Thank me later."

Sejun went ahead of them, keeping a lookout. When he decided that no one was there, both they made their way to the dock. Their priority was to get Justin to safety---Stell and Josh would understand if they left for a while.

"Josh, Stell, we got Justin," Sejun reported through his mouthpiece. "We'll take him to safety and get back as soon as we can."

"Good," replied Josh's voice. "Because, uh... we'll need it."

As Ken and Sejun ran as swiftly but carefully through the open field towards the piles of shipping containers, Ken kept a careful watch on Justin. The younger man's eyes fluttered open slightly, causing Ken to slow down.

"Sejun..." Ken called, slowing down but still moving.

Ken and Justin's unfocused gaze met---

Then the next moment, Justin was screaming and kicking and punching everywhere. Ken had to tighten his hold on the young man so as not to drop him. He screamed so loudly that Ken thought it would wake up even the sleeping fishes in the ocean. 

" _Shit! Ssssshhh! Justin, sssshhhh!_ " Ken pacified. He and Sejun ran as fast as they could, but Justin was not lucid enough to recognize them.

"We can hear someone yelling. Is that _Justin_?!" hissed Stell through their earpieces.

"Yeah, he's awake. But he's---" Ken shook Justin---he probably shouldn't have, given they didn't know the extent of his injuries yet but he didn't have time to think about that anymore---and looked at the hysterical Justin in the eyes, pleading. "Justin, _no_! _It's me_!"

Justin's screaming died down into a whimper, eyes welling up with fat tears. _Shit_ , Ken just might cry with him. He kept running, Sejun leading.

"You're---?"

"Yeah..." he assured. "Yeah, it's _me_..."

The relief in Justin's face turned into sorrow that crumpled his handsome features. He clutched Ken's shirt under his kevlar vest. Then he bawled, quiet but equally agonizing.

"We'll get you out, Jah," Sejun said, turning to Ken and Justin who were behind him. But almost immediately he hissed, "Ken! _Duck_!"

Ken barely had time to process the command and he was almost crashing into Sejun, who held out his gun and calmly unlocked the safety.

The ghost watched Sejun close one eye---Ken was getting too close for comfort now---and pulled the trigger at the same time he caught Ken, right before he would have crashed dangerously against Sejun. 

There was a loud bang when he fired the shot. Ken winced. Justin was stirring in Ken's arms.

"One down," he said calmly. Ken regained his posture, Justin still in his arms, and looked back to see one man about fifty feet behind them, falling lifeless on the ground.

" _The fuck_!" Ken cursed.

"We have to go," Sejun said. And in the distance they could see a handful of men running towards their direction.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side," Ken exclaimed, grip on Justin tightening. " _Fuck_!"

Sejun only gave him a confident smirk.

* * *

Stell knew their mission was to intercept and take Justin back. He _knew_. But if he doesn't blow up the guard from the other day's head, he might not get satisfied. His agitation probably showed in his face because Josh firmly squeezed his shoulder and gave him a reprimanding look.

The two of them were stealthily making their way to the other side of the building, hiding among the piles of shipping containers and large truck tires. Occasionally, they would see armed guards pass them by but the containers gave them a good enough cover.

Stell wasn't used to being on the ground, being more of a vantage agent, but Josh was a reliable partner. He went ahead of Stell and gave him signals to go or stop or hide. It may have seemed inappropriate, but Stell was excited at the prospect of getting some action.

But for now he had to focus.

The two of them took a longer route through piles of boxes and discarded truck tires before they reached the edge of the dock. From there, Stell could see men loading and unloading crates. Contrary to what they expected, it was not a large ship that was carrying the drugs but a smaller, nondescript vessel. 

Everyone crowded around the dock was busy either passing wooden boxes from one person to another or shouting commands.

"Seven... ten, eleven, twelve--- _fifteen people_ ," Josh said as he looked through the night scope he created himself. "That's too many people and too much firepower for just the two of us."

"Well, we knew that the odds were against us before coming here," Stell said. "We should just take out a few of them first."

Stell held out his hand to Josh, who nodded and passed him the night scope.

_Fifteen people_ , Stell confirmed. Five on the vessel, probably the couriers. Ten doing the dirty work on the docks.

Of the ten, Stell could easily pick out with his sharp vision their original target. The boss was looking at his employees with a triumphant but serious face. He was flanked by two other guys who looked like his personal guard.

And then there was that guard from the other day, too. Stell felt anger flare up in his chest again. If he shoots just this one guy... even if it's just _this_ guy.

"Should we wait until the couriers leave? Less noise, that's what Sejun said," Josh asked him.

Stell nodded. "I think that's a good idea."

"If worse comes to worst, we'll have to retreat and just take back evidence with us. Vice unit will take care of the rest."

"As long as I can call dibs on that one guard, I'm good," commented Stell, earning a chuckle from the older agent.

"Josh, Stell, we got Justin," came Sejun's voice through their gadgets. "We'll take him to safety and get back as soon as we can."

Josh nodded. "Good. Because, uh... we'll need it."

At this, both Josh and Stell moved with practiced synchronicity towards the dock. They stopped just behind a pile of boxes and wooden planks, waiting for an opening---

When suddenly there was a loud scream from a distance, a scream they could also hear from their earpieces.

Stell visibly tensed. "We can hear someone yelling. Is that _Justin_?!"

"Yeah, he's awake. But he's--- _Justin, no_! It's _me_!" It was Ken.

The prolonged scream alerted the working men on the dock. Like a well-oiled machine, the laborers worked at twice the speed while the boss, his guards, and Stell's target brisk-walked away from the operation.

" _Shit, shit, shit_!" cursed Josh under his breath. There was a gunshot soon after and the remaining men broke their ranks. A few of them prepared their weapons and ran towards what Stell assumed was either Ken or Sejun in a crossfire.

" _The fuck_!" Stell heard Ken exclaim. He and Josh were already leaving their post and preparing to get into combat.

Josh fired two shots at the laborers as he walked. He shot one on the leg, another on the shoulder. _Show-off_ , thought Stell.

Meanwhile, the men on the vessel were in a chaotic panic as they were running around their ship. Soon enough, there was the sound of a horn and the ship's engine seemed to cough before it purred to life.

" _Shit, they're getting away_ ," Stell whispered and fired what he meant to be warning shot at the crew on board. It hit one of the men, who promptly fell into the dark water. _Oops_.

"Stell, I'll pursue the boss," Josh ordered as he pulled away and ran after their target. "Secure whatever evidence you can. But _be discreet_."

" _Got it_ ," Stell said and walked calmly towards the men who were, apparently, not armed and scared out of their wits.

Gun still out, Stell walked towards the men carefully. It seemed that these men were low-rank workers who didn't have any means of defending themselves. In short, _pawns_. It was both sad and funny that Stell would be their opponent.

In frantic self defense, one of the men came running towards Stell with a wooden plank, screaming for some reason. Stell wondered if he thought the screaming helped his accuracy.

The man swung wildly in Stell's general direction, albeit too early. The sharpshooter only had to step to the side in order to avoid getting hit. The hostile grunted and gave Stell a dirty look. At the corner of Stell's eye, there was another man running towards them.

_Fuck_ , Stell cursed. He hated fighting sacrificial lambs but if they wanted to dance, he will dance with them.

Stell ducked just as the first man swung the plank in his direction again. He was able to hit Stell in the back, but it didn't faze the sharpshooter. Then, with full force, Stell tackled the man and shoved him towards the direction of the incoming one. 

Using his speed and momentum, Stell pushed them both. The three of them hit the ground with a thud, both men groaning in pain. Before either of them could recover, Stell stood up, took out his gun and shot them both at point-blank range. The bullet passed through the first man's clavicle and on to the second one's chest. 

_They won't die anytime soon_ , Stell thought, but it should incapacitate them long enough to give him time to focus on the vessel.

_Just to be sure, though_.

"You guys shouldn't get up. I just might put the next bullet through your brains," Stell warned and fired another shot close enough to their heads. The first man winced and fought back a whimper. Stell was sure the second man had passed out. 

"Nothing personal. _Sorry_."

From a distance, Stell heard shots being fired. So Sejun, Ken, and Josh might all engaged. Nobody would back Stell up. It was bad that he was alone, but he had to make do.

Turning to the vessel, Stell took out his rifle from where it hung on his back. He stood at the edge of the dock and aimed towards the shipping vessel that was slowly making its smooth escape. It was still close enough that Stell hit one of the windows of the cabin.

" _Shit_!" cursed Stell when his second shot hit a crate rather than his actual target. The crew member on the ship was fast and took advantage of the distance. He was playing hide-and-seek with Stell.

Patiently, Stell kept a steady hand on his rifle. He waited for his target through his scope.

_There_!

The target re-emerged from his cover. Stell was preparing to shoot when he saw him take out something small, pull something--- _a pin_!---and throw the round object towards Stell.

_Double shit_ , Stell could only think as he followed the bomb's trajectory through his rifle's scope. If it got too close, it would be dangerous.

Stell held his breath and counted in milliseconds.

_Not yet, not yet_.

_Now_!

He pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang that came from his rifle, but was almost immediately masked by the sound of the bomb exploding in mid-air as his bullet made contact with it.

The explosion sent sparks towards the nearby ship, its boxes immediately catching on fire.

Stell watched as the vessel was slowly being engulfed in flames. Behind him, there were still gunshots being fired. And somewhere in the distance, Stell swore there was the sound of several cars incoming.

_Well_ , Stell thought as he hung his rifle over his shoulder again. _So much for being discreet_.

* * *

"K-Ken..." Justin stuttered. It relieved Sejun to hear that their bunso was a bit more coherent now. 

Sejun and Ken were starting to make their way towards the gate. They had just run past the parked trucks and cars in front of the warehouse. Once they get past the containers, they would be safer and they can tend to Justin better.

"I got you, Justin," Sejun heard Ken respond. "Just hang in there a bit more."

Justin buried his head on Ken's chest and breathed deeply before saying, "I--- _I can walk_."

Ken scoffed. "That's cute, Justin. Nice try but _no_."

"More running, less talking," Sejun commanded, looking over his shoulder to see that there were men after them now. He fired one shot with his heavy rifle... _two shots_... before turning back and running again, one arm over Ken's shoulder defensively.

Sejun's own shots were echoed by two shots in quick succession that came from behind the warehouse. Judging by the lack of response from Josh and Stell, he could only guess that they were in combat as well.

He hoped that they would be safe... but most of all, that they wouldn't do anything extravagant. After all, it was his job to justify the damages in his reports. It was one of the pains of being unit chief.

There was one more gunshot. Sejun instinctively ducked for cover. Ken looked back to check if anyone was running after them. When Sejun noticed, he did the same.

"Ken, we have to keep go--- _look out_!"

They saw their target, the boss, emerge from one side of the building followed by three men. While two guards hastily ushered their employer towards a pick up, the other man was already aiming his gun at Ken and Justin.

_Bang_!

The world moved in slow motion from Sejun's perspective. The sound of the bullet cut through the silence ringing in his ears. The leader breathed and regarded his enemies for a second. One man to his left who just finished shooting, and a small group of five people to his right side.

Giving himself no time to think, Sejun grabbed his rifle again---aimed at the guy to his left, hesitated---and decided to shoot the group instead.

He hit one, missed the other.

Then the world promptly moved back at the normal speed. Sejun and Ken were running again. They had a temporary reprieve as they hid behind a lone container in the middle of the parking lot.

" _Ugh_!" Sejun heard Ken groan. He had only a split second to see that he had gotten on his knees, Justin frantically holding on to him. Both men were looking at Ken's left shoulder, which was bleeding.

"You're _hit_...!" Justin commented weakly. His voice was small, but thick with concern.

"I'm--- _I'm okay_ ," Ken said through gritted teeth, sweating profusely.

"Jah," Sejun said, firing again at their hunters but missing. "Jah, take cover first. _Please_!"

Justin responded weakly, but grabbed Ken's uninjured arm and slung it over his shoulders. Then Sejun fired his shots again, giving them both time to run towards a pile of containers nearby. 

There was a loud explosion, and a bright orange light lit up the darkness from behind the building. For a quick while, Sejun and his enemies all stopped to turn towards the direction of the explosion.

A lot of things were not going according to plan again, and there was the faint sound of a police siren in the distance. Sejun's heartbeat raced in his chest. What the hell were Josh and Stell doing?

More importantly, what should Sejun do?

When Sejun saw Josh emerge with his gun already aimed at the enemy group, Sejun remembered to breath again. _Nope_ , he can't have a repeat of last time. Sejun resolved to take his entire team out safely.

He doesn't have time to think. He just needed to act.

Knowing well that Josh would be able to take care of the others, Sejun inhaled deeply and turned his attention towards the other guard---

Whom Sejun didn't notice had closed in on him and tackled him to the ground. Having had the element of surprise, the guard pinned him down and punched him in the head once... twice... thrice.

Sejun didn't even know why he was still counting the number of times he was being hit, but it helped him gather his bearings.

_Bang_! _Bang_! came the bullets from Josh's gun. The guard on top of Sejun was distracted for a split second---just enough time for Sejun to grab dust and soil and throw it at his enemy's face and into his eyes.

The man let out a disgruntled yelp, hands covering his face, and Sejun used this distraction to push the man off him. This time, Sejun was the one aggressively pinning him to the ground and laying blow after blow.

It sounded as if Josh himself was getting in on a fist fight. And Sejun also registered grunting that sounded like Stell. But his mind was so clouded with anger he didn't know was there that Sejun just hit him over and over. Distracted, he also didn't notice that the man underneath him had grabbed the gun from his holster and aimed.

_Shit_!

Sejun gripped the man's wrist and wrestled against him for control of the gun. When the man proved to be a strong opponent, Sejun used his knee to pin the man's huge arm to the ground. Then, Sejun flung the gun away from both of them.

Just as he thought he could get time to breathe, a second enemy---one of the boss' guards---had joined in on the fist fight against Sejun. The pick-up nearby stirred to life and skidded away from the dock for a quick escape.

Sejun could only mutter a string of curses under his breath as this goon's knee connected with his chin, sending him flying a few feet back.

Sejun used the momentum from this hit to roll his body and land on both feet, kneeling on the dust, one hand on the ground for support. But the two men were quick as well. They were already standing over Sejun, poised to attack. Sejun involuntarily winced as one man grabbed him by the shoulders and held him up. 

He closed his eyes, anticipating the blows.

_Bang_!

_Bang_!

But none came.

The grip on Sejun's shoulders loosened. Suddenly weak, Sejun fell on his knees. The two guards in front of him were also on the ground. All the leader could hear was the ringing in his ears and the police sirens that seemed to be getting closer now.

What just happened? What was happening?

Sejun looked behind him to check on Justin and Ken, and saw that Justin had his good arm out holding a gun. His eyes were wild. He stood there frozen, as if in shock. Sejun looked back at the two lifeless men in front of him: they both had bullet holes right in the middle of their foreheads.

Brain not quite working right, Sejun could only stare dazed as someone grabbed him by his arms. The grip was firm but careful. Josh was by his side, helping him up.

"We have to go. _Police are coming_ ," Josh said.

Sejun felt like he mumbled something in response then, before he followed Josh towards Justin and Ken. Stell was already making his way to the younger members.

When they finally got close, Justin started trembling and he lost his strength. The gun---which Sejun guessed he took from Ken---clattered to the ground. Before Justin fell, Stell was already there to catch him.

Justin started sobbing again. Stell looked as if he wanted to join in, but stopped himself. Instead, he scooped Justin up and carried him in his arms.

"It's okay now, Jah," Stell said, his voice almost breaking. Justin hid his face between Stell's vest and his bony hands.

Police sirens sounded closer now. They could see the red and blue lights flashing from one direction. Josh helped Ken up while Sejun limped by himself.

* * *

They moved quickly in spite of their injuries through the maze of shipping containers, past the gate, out of the dock, and into a cluster of trees that was their established meeting point. They were able to breathe, finally, but they weren't out of the woods yet. If the police find them, it would be an uncomfortable bout of questions and answers.

Sejun was silent all the while. His brain hadn't caught up to everything that had happened, and he was feeling a bit overwhelmed. It all happened so fast that he didn't feel a thing yet... but he knew if he was given a few minutes, his panic would start to creep in.

He was just about to get anxious about being anxious when a black pick-up with tinted windows parked in front of the group.

_Shit_ , Sejun thought. They were in no condition to fight. He walked right up to the front of the group and shielded his members protectively.

But when the windows rolled down to reveal the face of the driver, Sejun was even more confused. He found himself looking at the face of a man who had no reason to be there.

" _Wassup, secret agents_?" he greeted. Maverick Lacson was smiling at them, waving coolly as he rested his arm on the open window of his truck.

Sejun started to open his mouth, but he had nothing to say so he closed it again. The confusion was starting to give him a headache.

"I was tasked to provide an escape vehicle for a group of lost boys," Mav said, answering Sejun's unspoken question.

Then Sejun remembered... He looked at Ken, who was still leaning up against Josh and sweating bullets.

" _Finally_!" he said. "Get us _the fuck out of here_ , Mav. My shoulder is killing me--- _fuck_!"

None of them thought to ask any questions. The more pressing need was to get Justin and themselves out of there. So Stell climbed onto the back of the pick-up, being mindful of the young man who had fallen unconscious in his arms. Sejun and Josh scrambled in after him. Ken got on the passenger seat, wincing and complaining at the pain in his shoulder.

Mav passed him a cold can of beer.

"Good save, Mav," Ken said weakly.

"I got your back always, brother."

* * *

The next day, the national news stations, radios and tabloids feasted over the biggest news of the year thus far: that PhP 20 Million-worth of drugs were successfully intercepted in a drug raid in Zamboanga and the mastermind, a senator's brother, was successfully apprehended as he was making his escape out of the city. 

All credits were attributed to the local police and the National Bureau of Investigation, who were given meritorious distinctions from Malacañang. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stressful. need to write some fluff after this.


	9. reload: chasing bullets [ken and mav]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> side-story of what happened during ken and mav's conversation at the end of chasing bullets part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tried to keep it short and light to make way for the next chapter.  
> i tried.

**reload: chasing bullets [ken and mav]**

" _'Sup, secret agent_?" Mav said from the other end of the line. There was a hint of teasing in his voice that Ken didn't have time to deal with now.

"Shut up and listen. _Mav_ , I need a favor," he said with urgency. Ken kept looking behind him to see if Sejun was watching him. Nothing.

So maybe he did mean it when he said he trusted Ken. Ken swallowed.

"Listen to you being so formal and uptight. What have these agency dorks been feeding you, huh?"

Ken grumbled. Mav was starting to get on his nerves; then again, he was exactly like that a few weeks ago. _Ugh, what_ has _Stell been feeding him_?

"This is serious, Mav. Shut up for a bit." Mav gave resigned but amused noises and Ken took this as a sign to continue...

But he realized he didn't even know what he wanted to ask.

" _Earth to Felip Jhon_?"

" _Right_... this is going to sound stupid but..." he breathed. Here goes nothing. "You have... _connections_ in the police force and the NBI right?"

Mav laughed. "If by ' _connections_ ' you mean a list of people with debts, dirty secrets, and ulterior motives, then yes. Yes, I do, _my dear Ken_."

" _Good_ ," Ken replied. "Think you can give them... some crumbs?"

Mav was quiet for a while. Whenever Mav is quiet, Ken knew he was thinking ahead. Mav was like Sejun in many respects, except that Mav was a sociopath and amoral. Sejun was an empath with strict rules and regulations.

But both of them had dangerously sharp minds.

"This is about that visit you made, isn't it?" Mav asked. Right then, Ken knew it would be useless to try to hide things from him.

"Yes." Was this a breach of trust? Or did Sejun trust Ken enough to trust Mav, too?

"Big operation?"

" _Huge_."

"How messy?"

"Remember Cebu in 2015?" Ken asked, hoping Mav would get the reference.

Mav laughed. " _Holy shit_!"

" _Yup_." Ken gave a chuckle.

When Mav was done laughing, he said, "Alright. I'm also assuming you need me to sweep up evidence pointing to you guys, right? _Tabula Raza Protocol_?"

" _Tabula Raza Protocol_ ," Ken affirmed. "Thanks, Mav. No bullshit added."

" _Your mouth, Felip Jhon_. Thou needest to be cleansed by Holy Water sometime," the other man teased. "But seriously, though... you know I'd do anything for you, right? I got your back."

"I know..."

"So I need you to be honest with me."

Ken knew Mav would catch on. He didn't want to scratch that surface he had been standing on for a while, but trying to get around Mav with these kinds of things was pretty useless. Besides, Ken wasn't smart enough to lie to Mav.

"I'm always honest with you, bro."

"You _are_... when I ask. But when I _don't_ , you tend to keep secrets from _Kuya Mav_." Mav laughed, then continued. "This isn't just a mission, is it? This is _personal_."

_Was it_? Ken had to think about that. He couldn't even remember the last mission that had hit too close to home for Ken. Was this the first? Is that why he was getting all shook up?

"There's..." he tried to say, but then couldn't find a way to say it right. "One of them is being held captive. It's... _my fault_."

"You like them, don't you?" Mav said. "Like, not just like them for the job and all. You ' _like_ ' them... the way you like Candy, Doc, and I."

"Maybe," Ken replied. He kicked a stray rock in front of him and watched it land on a bunch of gravel. "They're... nice people... I guess. And they said... well, their leader said he trusts me, so..."

"Hmmm." Ken could imagine Mav smiling. "Does that scare you? That he trusts you? That you _care_ that he trusts you?"

Ken shrugged, even though he knew Mav wouldn't see it. "I don't know... it feels... _weird_. Like... These guys---" he looked behind him to make sure Sejun wasn't nearby, "---they live by rules... Do's and don't's, you know? And I'm just... I'm as _neutral_ as _neutral_ can get. _What if_ \---?"

"What if they realize you didn't belong, after all?"

_Fuck_ , why did that statement hit Ken right in the feels? _Was that it_? Was that the thing he was afraid he'd discover if he dug a little deeper?

Why was he such a loser at using his brain?

"Ken, _calm down_ ," Mav said, voice laced with amusement. "This isn't a quiz."

"I'm _totally_ calm."

"Your face is calm, I'm sure. But there's a lot going on in your head right now that I'm sure is overwhelming you, too," Mav explained. No matter how old Ken got, he could really trust that Mav would help him out with things he couldn't figure out... like emotions, for starters. "I'm going to say this, and I hope you believe me.

"Ken, you are a good person. Any team would be lucky to have you."

Ken chuckled. "That was sappy _as fuck_."

" _Ew_ , I know, right?" Mav gave a gagging noise. "But... I hope you know that I'm happy for you. To have these people now... whether you choose to stick with them or not is entirely your choice, but I'll support you all the way."

" _You guys_ are my family. You know that," he said.

"Doesn't mean that we should be your _only_ family, _Felip_ ," Mav said. "And we won't leave you behind even if you _did_ find a new one.

"Felip, we'll _always_ be family."

Ken could only take a deep breath in, and he relaxed. Now he knew why Sejun liked deep breaths. It worked wonders. He took another one and let out an equally heavy sigh.

"Now, I'm going to make a few phone calls to my _quote-unquote_ friends," Mav started. "Anything else?"

"Just as a back-up plan, think you can give us a ride back on the day?"

"Anything for you, brother. Just tell me when you'll need it so I can give the deets to my ' _friends'_.

"I'd also like to meet your _friends_ ," he said and gave a fake evil laugh.

"Ugh, don't embarrass me, _please_."

Mav snorted. "You embarrass _yourself_ , brother. That has nothing to do with me---"

" _Goodbye_ , Mav," Ken cut off.

" _I love you, Felip_ ~~"

"Ugh. I love you, too. _Goodbye_."

Ken stared at his phone for some time, wondered if he should process the conversation that they had, and decided it would be for another day. When they had Justin, when things were in a better state. Ken had dug deep enough for today.

So he gathered all bits and pieces he uncovered, shoved it into an imaginary box, and hid it away just like he hid his phone. Some things will have to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ken and mav friendship. i couldn't resist.


	10. the longest twenty-four hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> josh ponders everything that happened so far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: anxiety, sentimentality, slight angst, heavy narrations, mediocre+unproofed writing
> 
> josh josh josh josh josh

**SEVENTH BULLET: the longest twenty-four hours**

The ride to Mav's temporary resthouse was surprisingly comfortable. Josh, Sejun and Stell were all silent in the back. Justin continued to sleep, cradled in Stell's arms. Mav and Ken were talking about random topics up in front. If not for the strange way Ken was gritting his teeth in pain, one would think that they were just a group of friends on a road trip.

Josh looked at Sejun. He didn't think his leader was experiencing another bout of anxiety yet, but he did look bewildered. Of course he would be. He was riding in the pick-up owned by a mid-profile drug lord who, at one point, was their target. Sejun must be feeling very torn.

But he was holding on to one of Justin's hands gently. Sejun would tighten his grip on their youngest every now and then, but didn't look at him. _Sejun is going to be okay_ , Josh thought. He just needed a little more time.

When Ken and Mav were done playing catch-up, Ken turned to Sejun and Josh, who were still awake. Stell had gone to sleep after a few minutes. Ken explained how he called Mav in for back-up, and that they needn't worry about the traces they left behind. Mav would take care of it.

Josh didn't miss the way Ken kept his eyes on Sejun the whole while he was explaining. As if he was waiting for some sort of reaction from the leader. But Sejun's face was unreadable. He only nodded and, when Ken finished talking, said a heartfelt, "Thank you, Ken... and you, too, Mav."

Mav's rest house was a small but cozy two-floor home which was hidden behind a cluster of trees far from the highway. When they arrived, the first thing Ken did was fall on one of the leather couches and scream his lungs out.

"You can take him to the bedroom under the stairs," Mav said to Stell, gesturing to Justin.

" _Thank you_ ," Stell nodded, eyes glazed with tears. He went through the main door, past the living room where Ken was, and went into the brown door that Mav pointed to.

Mav himself went straight to the kitchen which faced the main entrance, while Sejun and Josh sat awkwardly on the living room with Ken.

" _Augh, my shoulder hurts like hell_!" Ken screamed, already taking off his kevlar vest and his shirt. Then, he looked at his wound. The bullet had entered from the back of his shoulder, but it wasn't a through-and-through.

Ken cursed impressively that Josh almost laughed. In spite of the situation and everything else they had to worry about, the atmosphere was surprisingly light.

"Beer, champagne or wine?" Mav asked from the kitchen. " _Nothing_?"

Josh only looked at Sejun who shook his head. It was obvious that both of them were unsure how to act in the presence of an enemy... or temporary ally.

"Give me _booze_ ," Ken said. "Because _fuck_ , this shit _hurts_! _Fuck_!"

Stell emerged from the room and loudly shushed Ken. "Justin is sleeping. _Shut up_!"

This caused Ken to bite his lower lip in embarrassment. Still, the pain continued to show on his face and he was still sweating heavily.

Stell approached him, asking him to show his wound, and said, "We should take the bullet out first. Uhm... _Maverick_? Do you have a first aid kit?"

"There's no need," Mav replied. "And please, call me Mav."

Josh was about to ask him what he meant when the sound of an approaching vehicle caugh their attention. Josh looked at Mav, who didn't seem to be bothered when the car parked right in front of his home. Ken, who looked like he just realize something, sat a little bit straighter and called out to Mav.

" _Did you call Doc_?!"

Mav shrugged. " _'Course_. Did you want _me_ to stitch _you_ up? You know I'm bad with first aid."

" _Shit_ ," Ken cursed, then hissed as he felt the pain on his shoulder again.

"What's up?" Josh asked, confused. Stell and Sejun both mirrored his confusion.

"You're going to be meeting someone," Ken said. "X and her partner--- _look_ , I can't explain everything but don't tell them anything unnecessary, okay? Especially X's partn---"

Ken didn't even finish his statement when the main door flew open and a lovely young woman wearing a white coat stomped inside. Her glasses glinted in the bright light of the living room and she looked around the entirety of the house until her gaze fell on Ken.

" _You_!" she said, marching up to him on the couch and grabbing his injured shoulder. X followed in after the woman in the white coat, carrying a plastic box in her arms.

Ken winced. " _Ow, that fucking hurts_!"

The woman continued to examine Ken's wound before looking at him and giving him a quick slap to the cheek. She all but ignored Stell who was sitting beside Ken on the couch. 

"You _stupid_ , _reckless_ , _immature_ \---"

"Uh, babe..." X interrupted. The woman stopped to look at X, then at Josh, Sejun and Stell who were sitting stiffly, just trying to remain invisible. "Not in front of guests, maybe?"

" _Oh_!" she said, hands going up to cover her mouth. The blood from Ken's wound smeared on to her cheek, but she didn't seem to notice. "Oh, _I'm sorry_... Are they...?"

"Yup," X confirmed.

"What do they call you?" she asked X.

"X."

She nodded. "Well then, I guess you can call me Y." Y approached them one by one, Josh first, then Sejun, then Stell. She shook their hands with her un-bloodied hand. "Sorry I couldn't get in sooner. I was on duty."

Josh didn't know what to say. Sejun, who sat beside him quietly, looked like he was still having trouble processing what had happened for the past hour.

"You okay?" asked Josh, giving him a friendly nudge.

"Yeah... I'm fine." Sejun gave him a nod but didn't look at him. Josh didn't push it.

Mav entered the living room and placed glasses and a pitcher of juice on the coffee table. Then he gave both X and Y a hug and a kiss on the forehead. Ken gave a disgusted face.

The whole scene was like a family reunion, which was made morbid by the fact that Y had a bloody right hand, Ken had a bleeding shoulder, and X was taking out medical supplies and tools from the box she brought.

"So," Y finally said after engaging in small chitchat with Mav. "You have a friend who's injured, right?"

"Uh, _hello_? I'm _right here_!" Ken whined. Josh felt like he was making his voice thinner on purpose to get attention. That was... both cute and disgusting.

One glare from Y and Ken promptly shut his mouth.

Usually, Sejun would be the one to start taking control of the conversation but he had become too quiet since the car ride to Mav's. So Josh took it upon himself to respond to Y.

"Yes. He's in the room over there," Josh said standing up and pointing to the door. "He's... been through hell."

Y nodded. "I understand. I'll check on him... But you should clean him up and bandage him first while I tend to _this idiot_. Do you know how to do that?"

" _I can help_ ," Stell said, for some reason raising his hand. He was surprised by his action and put his hand down. "I mean... I know first aid."

"A'right. Come with me," X said, handing him a bundle of cloth. X and Stell disappeared to the room where Justin was resting.

"As for you, _Felip_ ," Y said and turned to Ken.

_Felip_? Josh couldn't help but snicker. Ken gave him a warning look.

" _Do you know how worried I was_?" she said, kneeling in front of him and brushing the hair that stuck to his forehead. "You didn't even say 'hi' and I'm told you got _shot_ \---"

She grabbed him by the shoulder again (" _Owowowowowow_!" Ken complained). She examined the wound more closely. "Can you not go on _one mission_ without getting shot? _Just one mission, Felip_!"

"Ah, ah, _careful_!" Ken cried out.

"Of course, you'll come crying to _me_! It's not like _you_ can take this bullet out by yourself!"

"Ugh, _can you shut your trap and stitch me up already_?" Ken said.

Y held his injured shoulder again---Josh thought she was enjoying Ken's screams too much---and pushed him so he was lying face-down on the couch. She did this so swiftly with so much force for a small body that Josh had to admire her technique.

"I'll stitch up your _mouth_ first, how about?" she threatened.

Josh looked at Sejun, who still had a lost look in his eyes, then back at Y again. "Uhm... is there anything we need to do?"

Y looked up at him and smiled a pretty smile. 

_Damn, if only she were single_... 

"Not at the moment," Y replied. "You should maybe wash up, too. If you have injuries, I'll get to you after I see your friend and Fe---I mean, _Ken_."

" _Right_ ," Mav said loudly. "There are two rooms upstairs. Each has a washroom, you can just take your pick."

Mav took Josh and Sejun by the arm--- _this entire bunch seems to love grabbing people_ , thought Josh---and ushered them to the rooms on the second floor. Right before Mav closed the door behind him, Josh registered Ken's agonized scream.

* * *

Josh felt better after washing up. He made sure to take extra time under the hot shower. After all, how often was he going to get an opportunity to stay at a house as posh as the one he was in?

He bathed for a good long while. He made sure to remove the dirt and grime from his hair, his fingernails, and was careful with the cuts all over his body. 

As he examined himself in the mirror, Josh counted the number of bruises that were starting to blossom everywhere. Nothing serious---he's been through much worse---but for some reason there was a heaviness in his chest that wore him down.

Josh planted both hands on the sink and stared at his reflection. _Be strong, Josh. It's almost over_ , he kept repeating to himself.

When Josh went back downstairs to see how everyone else was doing, he saw that Stell had also washed and Ken was already stitched up and bandaged. The latter was now drinking from a can of beer. Mav was still in the kitchen, this time cooking... _something_. Sejun was nowhere to be seen.

"You okay?" Josh asked Ken as he sat across him.

Ken shrugged with his good shoulder. "Did you know she stitched me up _without_ anesthesia?"

Stell laughed. "You should have heard him cry. It was cute. _You're so cute, Felip_."

Josh smiled. Stell was feeling more cheerful now. At least one of them was keeping at it. Truth be told, Josh just wanted to crash on a bed and stop everything for a few hours.

"Okay, I'm done," came Y's voice, followed by the sound of a door clicking shut. 

Josh turned to her from the couch, watching as she made her way to him. He stood to meet her.

"You're the leader, _yes_?" she asked him.

"No, that would be the other one who isn't... here at the moment," he replied.

Y shook her head. "Then I guess _you're_ leader now. Do you want to speak more privately about your friend's situation?"

Josh hated it when he overstepped his bounds. He was just about to ask everybody else where Sejun was, but he decided that maybe their leader needed time alone. As much as Josh wanted that for himself, he knew Sejun needed it more.

"I'm sure Stell and Ken would also want to know," Josh replied. "I'd prefer if we talk in their presence."

Y nodded and took the seat beside Josh. Then, she sighed deeply, as if preparing for a long discussion.

" _First things first_. He's _severely_ dehydrated and it doesn't seem as if he's eaten anything in _days_. I've hooked him to an IV drip for now so he can gain some fluids. 

"When he wakes up, it's best if he takes in food orally. Preferably something soft. X and I brought yogurt and jelly, you should try feeding it to him once he wakes up," she began.

Stell was nodding. Ken stopped drinking and just stared at Y. Josh could only lace his hands together and put his elbows on his knees as he sat. She hasn't told them everything yet.

"He's cut and bruised everywhere. Those should heal by themselves. He has a head wound. But there was no infection. I cleaned it and stitched it up. I don't think it's anything serious. Still, you need to be careful with it. I'm leaving some pain killers in case he---or any of you---need it.

"His right arm was fractured. I can't say to what extent since I don't have an x-ray here. For now, I put splints on him. Make sure he doesn't use that arm so much. But since he's been malnourished, he'll find it difficult to move about at all. He'll need assistance doing stuff for himself for the next week.

"Are you getting everything I'm saying so far?"

"Yes," Josh replied. "Please continue."

Y nodded. "I noticed several pinpricks on his arm... Now without knowing exactly what kind of drug it was, I won't know specifically what to expect. How long has he been in captivity?"

"About five... _six_ days," Ken replied.

" _I see_ ," said Y. "He _may or may not_ experience symptoms of withdrawal from the drug. Some common symptoms are insomnia, irritability, negative emotions... he may also experience cold sweats and palpitations, headaches... things like that."

Stell looked like he was about to cry but he stopped himself from doing so.

"It's important that you understand that these symptoms are typical in drug withdrawal. So be patient with him once he wakes up... don't try to overwhelm him with details. He may also have gaps in his memory due to the injury, but they'll fill in after a few days... or at least, that's what I'm hoping."

Josh braced himself. "What's... the worst case scenario?"

Y exhaled. "Well, I'm not exactly worried about his physical injuries but... torture affects people differently.

"He may or may not be the same person you knew once he wakes up." Y looked up at each of them, who looked somber. "But I heard he was conscious and coherent before passing out. That's... always a good sign."

"Thank you, Y," Josh told her, trying his best to give her a smile.

Y only looked at him, and it was scary how her eyes seemed to read every single thought in Josh's head. Josh looked away.

When Y stood up, X was already beside her in a flash.

"I'll have to leave now," she said. "But I'll come back tomorrow evening with some more medicine. And... I'll try looking for a portable x-ray machine that I can bring here with me. I'll sleep better once I know that there's nothing seriously wrong with his arm."

"Thanks... _Y_ ," Ken said. Y gave him a fond look from across the coffee table. The look of an adoring mother. 

" _You did well_ ," she told him. Then, she put a hand on Josh's arm and squeezed. "You _all_ did."

"I'll see you out," Ken said and ran to her side. They walked out the door together.

Once they closed the door behind them, Stell quickly made his way to Justin's room. Josh followed after him but looked up when he saw Sejun retreat to one of the rooms, closing the door shut behind him. 

* * *

Josh woke up with an aching back. As he surveyed his surroundings, he realized that he had fallen asleep slumped over Justin's bed, using his own arm as a pillow.

He got up slowly, wincing as he did. He looked over at Justin, still sleeping, and brushed stray strands of hair away. The scar on his forehead showed and Josh smiled. Someday, every cut on Justin will be just that: a scar.

Josh looked behind him. Outside, the sunlight passed through the thick cluster of trees and into the room. He found Stell curled up on the sofa bed pushed up against the window wall. His eyes were puffy and red, reminding Josh of how much he cried the night before.

As soon as they came in, Stell sat on the edge of the bed to Justin's left. He held Justin's hand that was hooked to the IV drip, examining the handful of red and blue dots all over.

"Sorry we couldn't come sooner, Justin," Stell whispered, on the verge of tears. "But you did a good job."

Despite being one of the most ruthless fighters Josh has ever known, Stell was surprisingly soft-hearted about the things he cared about. So it didn't come as a surprise when all the tears Stell had bottled up came out as he held Justin's hand in his.

Stell had cried the whole night, even after Josh led him to the sofa bed. Josh only watched from his seat... because there was nothing he could do. 

Nor was there anything _to_ do. They could only wait and let things pass. This was how Josh had survived all those years of hardship.

But just because he let things pass doesn't mean he wasn't getting any hits. Josh visualized in his head the picture of X, Y, Ken, and Maverick. They were a family that stuck together. A family who would cry if one of them wept, fight if one of them had a battle, laugh if one of them was happy. 

Then he imagined his own group. Sejun, Stell, and Justin had been with Josh for a while; and they are the closest thing to a family Josh has had. It definitely hurt that Justin was the one to suffer like this. And because one of them was hurting, everyone was in pain. 

But if it were up to him, Josh would take Justin's place any time.

Josh patted both Justin and Stell's head to greet them good morning before he went out. Mav was already awake, having coffee in the living room. He invited Josh for some coffee and bread, which Josh politely declined. He had to talk to Sejun.

"Second room upstairs," Mav said. "He was packing when I knocked earlier."

Josh perked up at this statement, and hurriedly went up the stairs. True enough, Sejun had just finished zipping his duffel bag when Josh walked in.

"How's Justin?" he asked.

"He hasn't woken up for as long as I was awake," Josh said. He wanted to continue, but decided that he should let his leader say his piece first.

Sejun must have seen the conflict in Josh's eyes because he exhaled and gestured for Josh to come in.

"Tatang called me in," Sejun began as soon as Josh closed the door behind him. "News traveled fast. He didn't appreciate the noise we made."

"And you told him _everything_ , even the part about Mav," Josh continued. He knew Sejun would be too honest for his own good. "What did he say?"

"I have to submit my report once I land in Manila tonight," Sejun replied. "And I'll have to justify involving the police and Maverick, Stell's behavior... and my psychological incapacity."

Josh sighed and combed his hair with his hands. "Alright... So what are you looking at?"

Sejun shrugged. "Suspension, probably... Worse, I might have to step down as unit chief until they deem me psychologically fit."

The heaviness in Josh's chest doubled, in spite of his certainty that Sejun won't be laid off. "Tatang won't let you get kicked out of the unit."

"That's what I'm banking on, too," Sejun said and slung the bag over his shoulder. "Sorry if I have to leave you with things being like this... Wish me luck, Josh."

Sejun had already walked past him when Josh decided to speak. "And this isn't just you running, right?"

" _Partly_ ," the leader responded. "Are you mad?"

"I would be if I didn't understand why the heck you have to do it," Josh replied. It was true, but that didn't mean Josh wasn't hurt. "You should at least go to Justin."

"Not now. Every time I look at him..." Sejun paused. Josh could hear him breathe deeply from behind him. "...I'll see him when I know I can look at him without hating myself for it."

"I get that," Josh said, resigned. Not like he could force Sejun to stay. Josh just sat down on the cushion and looked at Sejun's back. "Good luck."

"I don't think I've thanked you, Josh... for everything. And sorry... for putting all of this on your plate."

Josh put his hands together and smiled. "I couldn't say 'no' to you even if I wanted to, chief."

Sejun let out a satisfied 'hm'.

"Just come back soon," Josh pleaded. And then Sejun left him in the room without another word.

* * *

Josh thought that everybody was getting by okay until he happened upon Ken outside the house. He was sitting on Mav's back porch, staring up at the moon as he put a lit cigarette on his lips.

Sejun left without saying anything to Ken and Stell, leaving Josh to explain everything to them. Neither blamed Sejun, perhaps because they knew that Sejun needed the break. As for Justin, he has yet to wake up.

Perhaps Josh was paying attention to Stell and Justin so much that he forgot about Ken. Josh was the one who got Ken into the mess; and Josh felt somewhat responsible for the ghost. So despite the tightness in his chest, Josh approached Ken and sat beside him.

"I didn't think you smoked," he began.

Ken chuckled as he let out wisps of vapor in the air. "I also thought I'd quit... but here I am."

Ken silently took out another cigarette, lit it, and handed it to Josh. Josh wasn't a recreational smoker, although he had to smoke for assignments. But everything that could have gone bad went bad recently, and a little nicotine in his system sounded nice.

Josh took a deep drag, let the smoke fill his lungs, and let it out of his mouth.

"What's gonna happen to Sejun?" Ken asked him. There was a concern in his voice that he tried to mask with nonchalance. But Josh had been working too long around people to uncover it.

"He might get suspended. Three months, at least. Or---" Josh pulled in a little bit more smoke before continuing, "---they might ask him to step down. We broke more than a few protocols, you know?"

Ken hung his head and grabbed a fistful of his hair. He groaned. "I'm... I feel _really shitty_ about that, dre."

Josh laughed at him. "It's different with us agency guys, huh?"

"If I'd known---" Ken looked at him for added emphasis, "If I knew, I wouldn't have involved Mav."

Josh shook his head and ruffled Ken's hair. "It sucks, doesn't it? Knowing that you did what you could and it still ends up in shit?"

"I didn't know..."

"It's _not_ okay. Of course, it's not," Josh said bluntly. "But sooner or later, Sejun would have had to learn everything that he learned here. That things don't always go according to plan... that some people just can't be put in boxes...

"There's nothing you need to apologize for, man. Because of you, we found Justin. And you basically dragged us out of that place. You even risked your life just to get to Maverick.

"Initiative and wit? You got it _all in aces_ , dre." Josh chuckled and took another deep drag on the cigarette. "I don't regret asking you for help at all... even if a lot of things have gone to shit."

Ken shifted uncomfortably on his seat and turned away from Josh. It didn't seem as if he was used to compliments, and Josh found it cute.

"Let me give you some advice, as someone who's been in this job longer than you have," he said.

"Ugh, _you're so old_."

" _Your grandpa_ is old," Josh said, chuckling. " _'Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.'_ Ever heard of that before?"

Ken nodded. "Ecclesiastes four."

"Mm-hmm," Josh said, smiling and letting the half-burnt cigarette hang from his lips. "Do you get what I'm saying?"

" _Nope_."

Josh could hear the lie beneath Ken's facade, which the latter tried to dissipate by standing up and walking back into the house.

"Ken," Josh called, looking at him. 

Ken stopped, but didn't turn.

"You would make a great agent," he said. And Josh hoped his sincerity would get through to Ken.

Ken looked like he thought about the statement for a split second before giving Josh a rude hand gesture and leaving.

* * *

Josh stayed a little longer at the porch before finally deciding to get back to Justin. Stell was already sleeping at the sofa bed, more peacefully this time. Justin was still sleeping on the bed.

As soon as Josh sat on his seat, he felt the heaviness in his chest rise up to the back of his throat. He had kept it inside for too long, apparently. It needed to be let out.

_Shit. When this happens_...

Josh couldn't even catch his thoughts as tears streamed down his cheeks like a waterfall. Everything flooded him all at once. Sejun, Stell, Justin, and even Ken's burdens felt like a gushing torrent that was sweeping him away now.

He hung his head low, fighting back a whimper so Stell wouldn't wake up. Without trying to keep himself from crying, Josh sobbed. And once he had started, he knew it would take some time before he finally stopped.

For Josh, it was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> needed some josh angst


	11. bone heals faster than spirit (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for: anxiety, intrusive and depressive thoughts, recurring memories about torture, heavy narrations, mediocre+unproofed writing
> 
> starts during the same night as josh's pov in the previous chapter

**EIGHTH BULLET: bone heals faster than spirit (part 1)**

Justin woke up... and it wasn't dark anymore.

His eyelids felt heavy and they kept closing over his eyes, but he caught glimpses of the ceiling, tinted orange because of the dim light coming from somewhere. The first thing that came into his mind was relief. He was finally free from his blindfold.

Then he registered the crying. Over the past few days, he had to rely on his hearing to make sense of things. His survival depended on it. So when he heard someone crying, there was a quiet panic that settled at the pit of his stomach.

He tried to see where it was coming from. His neck was stiff and so he could only move his eyes. To his right, there was a hunched man, putting his face in his hands and sobbing quietly.

_Who is he_? And why did Justin feel the need to comfort him?

_Don't cry_ , he thought. _I'm sorry_.

Justin's heavy eyes eventually closed back. He kept repeating 'don't cry, I'm sorry' this in his head, the man's sobbing becoming a lullaby that put him back to sleep.

* * *

The next time Justin was conscious, it was to the sound of people talking. He had learned over the past few days to just listen once he woke. To stay completely still, eyes closed, and pay attention to what was going on around him.

There was a strong smell of antiseptic in the air, a quiet buzzing of a machine. Nobody seemed to notice that he was awake; nobody was starting to drag him to a chair, either.

"...nothing serious. It doesn't seem to need surgical correction," said a woman's voice that Justin didn't recognize. "But I'll put his arm in a cast so he doesn't accidentally use it."

"Thank you, Y," said man's voice. "We really appreciate it."

"I'm only sorry I couldn't come sooner," the woman replied. "His fever has subsided, which is good. For now we'll keep him on the IV drip so he gets more fluid in his system."

Justin dared to crack one eye open, even if it still felt a little bit heavy. When he finally got them to open, he blinked them slowly several times as if to practice.

The ceiling was still orange-tinted, so maybe it hadn't been that long since he last woke up. His entire body felt very heavy, as if there was a block of metal on top of him.

Slowly, Justin tried moving his limbs. His legs were okay. But both his arms felt as if they were covered with something thick. When Justin tried to check, he could see that his right arm was bandaged together with two strips of wood.

"Hey, you're awake," said a third person's voice. This person, a familiar woman, was standing to Justin's left and was holding something to his left hand.

Panic rose to Justin's chest when he saw that she was holding a syringe, and his arm was hooked up to some sort of tube.

" _No, please_!" he wheezed, flailing his arms to get the woman away from him.

She stepped back in shock and muttered something Justin couldn't hear over the ringing his ears. Suddenly, someone was holding him on to the bed. Fear, dread, anger. Justin was suddenly suffocating, as if he was drowning in an invisible ocean.

" _No! Let me go_!" he cried, but it came out as a hoarse croaking sound like dry leaves scraping the ground. He closed his eyes and tried to release himself from being restrained. His breaths became jagged and short.

"Jahjahjah, _it's Josh_!" Justin recognized this voice. He opened his eyes and saw Josh looking at him, worried.

"Justin?" said another person from Justin's left. "Justin, _it's Stell_!"

Suddenly there were too many things happening at once. Justin felt trapped. He just wanted to breathe. He groaned loudly as he tried to break free from their grasp. He shut his eyes.

" _Wait_ , don't crowd over him," said the first female's voice this time. Her voice sounded much closer. The grip restraining Justin let go.

Justin tried to shield his face with his arms, but someone touched his arms and gently pulled them away from him. " _Sssshhh_ , _sssshhhh_..."

Two hands held Justin's face. The hands were soft, and didn't seem to be hostile. Justin's breathing started to slow down to the woman's pacifying "sssshhh", and he opened his eyes.

" _Justin_?" she called, tone questioning. "Justin, _can you breathe for me_?"

Shaking, Justin slowly nodded as he gazed at her eyes beneath the spectacles. They were a beautiful shade of dark brown.

"Alright, that's _great_ , Justin," she said slowly and with rhythm. "My name is _Y_... Can you nod if you understand me?"

He nodded again. She smiled. Justin felt his panic subside a little.

" _Good_ , _good_. Do you know where you are now?"

Justin shook his head, and felt something sting on his scalp.

"You're at my friend's house," Y said calmly. She let go of Justin's face and started to caress his head. "You're _safe_ now. Nobody's going to hurt you, okay? Can you just keep breathing deeply?"

Tears started to cloud Justin's vision as she said that. He was safe? That made Justin feel better and the tightness in his chest slowly started to fade as he continued to breathe.

" _That's great_ , honey," she said with a sweet smile. She dropped her hand from his face. "I have a few questions to ask you. You don't need to talk for now so you can just nod or shake your head. Is that okay?"

Justin nodded, blinking back the tears. _Breathe, Justin. Breathe_.

" _Do you remember what happened_?"

He nodded, head feeling heavy again, and he was finding it hard to keep his eyes open. Justin could see from his mind's eye blurred flashes and scenes. 

He couldn't see in vivid detail but Sejun was there... and _Ken_. They were running... and then Ken was _bleeding_ \--- _was that his fault_? Sejun was fighting someone--- _he needed a gun_! Ken had a gun---Justin remembered grabbing it--- _did he shoot_?---Sejun was going to get in trouble---He _hated_ that man fighting Sejun--- _hated_!

Ringing. Spinning. Drowning.

"Justin? _Sssshhh_ , _ssssshh_. It's okay, you don't have to remember everything for now," Y assured and started stroking his hair again. "Do you remember your friends? Sejun, Ken? Josh and Stell?"

Justin nodded. He felt himself relax to Y's touch.

"They're here with me right now. Do you want to see them?"

Did he? Justin forced his eyes open and looked at those beautiful brown eyes again. _Not yet_ , he said in his head. _Please, not yet_.

Y seemed to understand this, because she nodded and smiled. "That's okay, Justin. I understand. Do you want to sleep again?"

_Yes, please_. He nodded.

"I'm going to give you some medicine to help you sleep better, and then we can talk in the morning. Is that okay?"

Justin closed his eyes, nodded again. Y continued to run her hands through his hair... and Justin fell asleep.

* * *

When Justin opened his eyes the third time, the light was bright and blinding. Maybe he had spent so much time in the dark that he had forgotten how bright daylight could get.

He squinted his eyes and turned toward where the light was coming from. To his right was an entire wall made of glass. It showed the sunny morning and the lush green trees outside. Was he in a forest? To Justin, it didn't matter. Any place was better than where he was.

There was a bookshelf and a sofa bed against the glass wall. And on that sofa bed was Stell, who was curled up into a ball sleeping. Has Stell been there all this time? Justin wasn't being a bother, was he?

That was when Justin saw his right arm. It was in a cast up to his elbow. Justin could distinctly remember someone talking about his arm. That it didn't need surgery. So it was probably broken. He remembered jumping from that window, and then falling on his right side. Maybe he injured himself then?

Justin trailed his eyes all over his body, just to make sure it wasn't just a useless lump of rubber attached to his neck. He wiggled his toes. They were okay. It didn't feel as if he broke his legs, but he was sore all over. And he felt a little bit feverish. His throat and mouth were dry. But overall, Justin didn't think there was anything wrong with him physically.

So why did it feel like he was still drowning?

He touched his chest to massage it and saw his left hand. He saw the needle that was taped to his skin. Then the red and blue dots that lined his arms. Justin remembered... 

_The way they would hold him to a chair_ \--- _the way they would stick a needle in him over and over_ \---the feeling of _floating_ \---he wanted to float again---they beat him, didn't they?---someone touched him in inappropriate places--- _he wanted to die_ \---he's so _angry_ \--- _hated it_!

It all became too much for Justin and his breath hitched. Was the world spinning? It felt to Justin as if it was. And the strange way his heart was beating made him anxious. What was that ringing sound? What was going on? Was he going crazy?

"Oh, you're up."

Josh's voice interrupted Justin's frantic thoughts. He felt like someone just pulled the plug to his brain and suddenly his mind was eerily quiet.

"Hey, _what's wrong_?" Josh practically flew to Justin's side, a worried look on his face. He placed a hand on Justin's forehead and looked into his eyes. " _Are you feeling okay_?"

Justin saw that Josh's face was a bit bruised, and his eyes were puffy as if he'd cried a lot. Instead of answering his question, Justin croaked, "What happened to your face?"

Josh's face shifted from bewildered to amused. He laughed. "You're the one in a cast and you're asking me? _I'm fine_ , Jah. These are just battle scars."

Josh ruffled his hair carefully. "How are you feeling?"

Not okay, that was for sure. But Justin didn't want to see Josh worried or troubled. So he tried his best to smile. "A bit off and... a little bit tired but... _I'll be fine_."

"Yeah... yeah, _you'll be fine_ ," Josh replied, carefully brushing Justin's bangs off his forehead. "You feel like eating anything yet?"

Justin gave him a tentative smile. "I'm... feeling kind of hungry, actually."

Josh nodded. "Y says you should try eating soft food first. How about some yogurt?"

"I think that's okay..."

"Okay. I'll come back with yogurt and some medicine," Josh said. He placed a hand on Justin's neck, his palm touching Justin's cheek. "I'm glad you're okay."

Josh turned his back and left. Justin swallowed. He was far from okay. But he didn't want to be a burden. And how was he going to explain it to them in the first place?

Justin wasn't sure how long he can keep that lie up before Josh finds out. But until then... _you're fine, Justin_ , he said to himself. _You're fine_.

* * *

It was like stepping out of one hell and into another. The first broke his bones. The second haunted his mind. 

Justin was quick to recover from his physical injuries. His fever had subsided in a day and he had gained full control of his limbs in no time. Even Y, the doctor with the beautiful eyes, was surprised at the rate of his recovery. 

Josh and Stell were very supportive all the while. They were beside him 24/7. Josh must have asked Justin "How are you feeling?" and "Are you okay?" so many times Justin lost count. Josh was the one who helped Justin get around, like a figurative crutch. He would even stay by Justin's bed every night, caressing Justin's head like Y did until he would fall asleep.

Stell was also trying his best to be helpful. He was always cheerful and loud. He attempted many times to get Justin to laugh... but for some reason Justin just didn't have the same joy in him. He would smile and say a witty comeback in reply, but his smile wouldn't reach his eyes. Stell would grow quiet and just sit idly beside Justin. And at night, when he thinks Justin is asleep, Stell would cry. Either for or because of Justin, he didn't know.

As for Justin, he believed he was fooling everybody. That he was okay, he was recovering. But the heaviness remained. Eventually, Josh and Stell noticed that he would grow quiet when he was alone. That there were moments when he would just stare into space and feel as if he was blindfolded again, tied to a chair, and waiting for his death.

"Are you okay?" they would ask too often. Justin would reply that he was fine; and that wasn't a complete lie. He was fine until he _wasn't_. Every now and then, his ears would ring and he wouldn't hear anything except for his rapidly beating heart. His world would spin and he would belatedly realize that he had stopped breathing. It was a maddening cycle every waking moment.

In his sleep, it wasn't that much better. The nightmares were the _worst_. Sometimes, he would dream that he was back in that horrible place again. He would dream in vivid detail things that had happened: the beating, the pain, the _torture_. But other times, he would wake up in cold sweat from a nightmare that he couldn't remember. He could only look at his hands, remind himself that he was okay--- _you're safe, Justin_ \---and wait until the ringing and the spinning ended.

It had gotten so bad that, one afternoon, Justin woke up screaming. He had an image less nightmare again, and he woke up crying loudly and punching an invisible enemy. Josh, Stell, Ken, and the man introduced to Justin as Mav all came running towards his room like a rampaging cavalry. Justin was in such panic that he punched Josh in the face and kicked Ken on the chest.

"Jah---Justin, _Jah_!" Stell called and pulled him into a hug. "Jah, _ssssshhh_ \---Jah, _it's okay_ \---it's okay, _you're fine_ , _sssshhhh_."

When Justin realized what he'd done, he could only cry in embarrassment and hide his face, burying it on Stell's chest.

" _I'm sorry_!!!" he said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--- _Stell, I'm sorry_!"

"Oh, _Jah_ ," Stell could only say as he hugged him even tighter. "It's okay, _we understand_!"

Was it okay? Did they really understand, when Justin himself was struggling to comprehend everything? That he couldn't even begin to explain what was going on?

Can he just stop the world for one second? Can he just go back to floating again? But Justin knew it wouldn't be wise. Y had told him about what to expect, and he was smart enough to recognize drug withdrawal. He was pretty sure that was what was happening to him. The craving, the sleeplessness, the restlessness. He _knew_. He just had to wait for it to pass. Because it will pass... _won't it_?

So Justin kept all of this to himself. He had to smile, say he was okay. He was okay for now. _It will pass_. He shouldn't be a bother to Stell, Josh, or Ken. Especially not _Sejun_. Sejun whom Justin knew would also be smothering Justin with questions that he didn't know how to answer if he was around. 

Justin smiled when it was appropriate to smile. He laughed, even if it was shallow and forced. He was the youngest and least experienced among them. He had to show that he could do this. That he wasn't dead weight. He had worked too hard to prove himself; he should be strong--- _be strong, Justin_!---because that was the only way he was going to get through this whole.

* * *

After Justin went berserk that afternoon, Stell and Josh stopped crowding around him. Maybe they found that constantly asking him if he was okay didn't help, and so they switched gears and mostly left Justin to his thoughts. They remained by Justin's side, however, sometimes holding his had or ruffling his hair. 

Justin appreciated this. He appreciated the quiet. It gave him the opportunity to stop faking a smile. It made him think that even if he didn't really understand what was going on, he could do this. He could fight. He would be alright.

"You can tell me anything, Jah. You know that, right?" Josh had asked him one night when he was about to sleep. Josh had been giving him hints to tell him what was going on.

But Justin knew Josh had been carrying too much already. He distinctly remembers hearing Josh cry the first time he woke up. It was so heartbreaking that Justin couldn't bring himself to add to Josh's burdens.

So Justin only nodded and did what he had been doing best the past few days: he pretended to sleep.

Josh didn't need to know. None of them did. He could sort this out by himself. As he _should_. After all, he was the one who had gotten them all into this mess. He _should_ at least take responsibility for carrying his own weight. He _shouldn't_ worry them any more than he already has.

And besides, even if he were to talk, what would he say? Justin himself didn't know exactly what was going on. Because this wasn't just withdrawal anymore. It was something else. It was a huge wave in the black ocean that kept Justin under. He could kick and swim but he never surfaced.

Justin didn't know how to explain it. They wouldn't understand. And it wasn't their burden to bear in the first place. He had failed them before, especially Sejun. He _shouldn't_ fail them again. Justin was going to keep his mouth shut for their sake... like a good agent should.

So until he was sure he was okay... he can't tell anyone anything yet.

* * *

" _Earth to Justin. What's it like on Mars_?"

Justin blinked, dragged out of his thoughts. The next thing he knew, he was staring at Ken. Ken was placing a bed table over his legs, along with hot porridge, orange juice, and some medicine. 

"Welcome back to Earth," Ken commented.

Justin blinked and choked out a laugh. Stell and Josh might have tiptoed around him, but Ken was just as weird and unpredictable as he was since day one. Justin was grateful for that; Ken was a constant despite everything that changed.

" _Thanks_ , Ken," Justin mumbled.

"You know, you're a lot stronger than you look," Ken suddenly said out of the blue. "I didn't think you would kick that hard, but you did."

Justin felt a embarrassed. The next moment, he started to feel himself getting dragged down into that black sea of guilt and self-loathing. 

"Sorry, Ken..."

"If you're really sorry," Ken said in a playful voice, "spar with me one time."

Justin looked at Ken, surprised. Ken looked as if he realized he'd said something wrong and put a hand over his mouth.

"I mean--- _sorry_. Maybe once you've recovered. But the invitation was serious."

"You want to spar with me?"

Ken looked as if Justin had asked a stupid question. "Uh, why not? I'm always up for a challenge."

" _Oh_ ," Justin said, staring at his porridge. "It would be nice... to train with someone again."

Ken looked a little bit like he was looking forward to it, too, but then changed his mind. "It's fine, Jah. Just focus on getting better for now."

He turned around to walk away. Justin stopped him, feeling the need to apologize again. "Ken... _I really am_... _sorry_. For all the trouble."

Ken turned to Justin, confused. "You're apologizing to the one who got you in this mess? _Really_? Justin... if anyone should be apologizing, _it should be me_."

" _No_. You didn't do anything wrong," Justin assured. "I was careless and didn't plan things."

Ken stared at Justin. It was difficult to see what he was thinking behind those blank eyes. But then he suddenly laughed and punched Justin lightly on his shoulder.

"Are we seriously fighting over who gets the blame?" Ken asked. "Because usually people pass the blame, not try to get it for themselves."

This caused Justin to smile. If it were another day, he would have laughed at the hilarity of it. "I guess so?"

"Well, I'll lose this one for sure. _It's hard to think_ ," Ken said, raising both his arms in surrender. "But just for the record, I think I can take maybe _50%_ of the blame. You can share the remaining 50% with Sejun.

"Don't worry about it too much," Ken said. "If I learned anything from you guys, it's that you shouldn't take on things alone. Be it blame or bullshit."

Then Ken leaned in closer. "Just... _don't tell Josh or Sejun I said that_ , okay?"

For the first time in what felt like forever, Justin chuckled. And when Ken heard it he chuckled, too. For a moment, Justin didn't feel like a burden or a failure. It was just a short moment that he was able to keep his head above the black water, but it was enough.

"Thanks, Ken."

"Don't thank me yet because I'm gonna whoop your baby ass when we're sparring." Ken ruffled his hair. Not out of worry like everybody else did, but in a teasing manner that made Justin feel like he was okay. "But don't take on this by yourself, alright? Stell and Josh won't tell you this, but you're really worrying them by being quiet and stuff."

"I... didn't want them to worry," he replied. " _Sorry_."

"Hey, don't look so sad," Ken said. "You know who you should talk to?"

Justin looked up at him. " _Who_?"

"Your _grumpy leader_ who just arrived." Ken cocked his head to the side. "Want me to call him in?"

Justin swallowed. He wasn't sure if he was ready to see Sejun disappointed with him. He didn't answer. 

Ken must have noticed his inner conflict because Ken cleared his throat. "I know I'm... the _outsider_ in your group. But can I just say something?"

Justin nodded when he saw the sincerity in Ken's eyes.

"You're never gonna get over this if you don't talk to anyone about it... it won't do any good and you'll only end up worrying those idiots more."

"Is that how it is with you and X and Y... and Mav?" Justin asked, genuinely curious.

Ken thought for a bit. "I guess so. But it's more like it's no use for me to lie to them... because they know me too well. Y will kill me if I keep lying even after she finds out."

Ken looked at Justin. His eyes weren't so blank anymore. It was hopeful, a little bit persuasive.

"They know you're not okay, you know. Of course, they do. They're just not pushing you to talk because they're afraid you'll burst... but since I'm an outsider, I can say anything I want and _you're not allowed to get mad at me_."

Ken smiled. Justin found himself smiling back.

"Talk to Sejun, yeah?" Ken asked him. "It'll do you both some good."

Justin was still drowning. Still kicking and fighting to keep himself sane. But maybe Ken was right? Maybe talking to Sejun would help. This was his reliable leader, after all.

But _not yet_.

"Maybe later..." 

Ken stared at Justin as if he could pick apart Justin's excuses and his lies. But he didn't say anything. He only shrugged and walked out of the door, leaving Justin alone in his room.

_Not yet_ , Justin thought. Or maybe _not ever_. Justin had to be strong for now. Until he can get a better handle on his emotions, he _should_ stand firm. He's already getting better at it, he just needed time---

" _Justin_?" a voice called. Justin's thoughts stopped as he turned to look at Sejun who peeked through the entrance.

The ringing in Justin's ears was back and he could only stare nervously as Sejun closed the door behind him. Justin felt like crying and screaming, and he felt cold all over.

"Ken said you wanted to talk to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tyranny of the 'should's


	12. bone heals faster than spirit (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sejun takes time to see his own problems from a different perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two more chapters. don't know what to feel.
> 
> warnings for: anxiety, self-blame, angst, and heavy narrations

**NINTH BULLET: bone heals faster than spirit (part 2)**

Time ticked by so painfully slow for Sejun in Manila. Without his members, the immediate threat of death, and the alarm bells ringing in his head, Sejun found himself suddenly drained. So much so that when he finally lay down on his own bed for the first time in two weeks, he cried.

It had been a while since he cried a good cry. The last time had been when he was recommended for therapy sessions. That time, Sejun had been so confused and afraid that he went home, curled up into a ball, and cried until dawn.

But after everything he'd been through recently, he was not crying out of sadness or hurt. He was crying out of relief. Because while there were still a lot of things to do, Sejun could finally breathe. Justin was safe. His members were safe. He didn't really care much what happened to him, but it was important that many of his worries for the past few weeks were proven to only be a product of his anxious mind.

So Sejun cried. He cried about how he couldn't completely break down in front of his members. He cried about being so frustrated with everything that had gone wrong in the mission. He cried about his own incapacity and his weakness.

Sejun cried until he laughed. Because it was finally over... at least, momentarily. What had been the worst mission Sejun had led so far was going to be put on a report and filed away until it became but a memory. Sure, it would take a long time before he finally recovered; there were still demons in his mind that every now and then taunted him. But at least, Sejun and his team would be closing a chapter.

* * *

The next day, Sejun reported to the Head of Agency and the Board of Directors. The matters they discussed were regarding sanctions for the team. Involving local law enforcement without approval, allowing a non-licensed agent use of firearms, careless destruction of property, breaking confidentiality, and associating with a potential target. Heavy words were thrown around during the meeting while Sejun just sat in silence... breathing in, breathing out.

" _Suspension for the whole team_ ," that was the sanction that they went with. They said it so strongly Sejun thought they looked like a mob on a witch hunt.

But then Sejun was given the privilege to speak. And so Sejun spoke. He explained about the need to improvise, given what they lacked in terms of resources and connections. That it was a wise move on the part of their third-party asset, because it told a bold statement to their targets that someone was watching them. That the Board should consider allowing these associations from time to time because they had to move along with the times. That Stell's behavior, although over-the-top, was only in retaliation to the threat that was in front of him. And that it didn't stop him from being one of their damned best agents.

" _Finally_ ," Sejun said. His voice did not waver at all in spite of the anxiety that whispered doubtful words in his ear. "This team is made up of your brightest agents. If this team goes dark, the agency basically loses its right hand.

"So I _plead_ the Board to reconsider. I take full responsibility for the actions of my members and our asset. If someone should be suspended or fired, then it should be me."

John Paulo 'Sejun' Nase saying he should be fired was like asking the agency to gouge its eyes out. It was not a secret that Sejun was one of the agency's most trusted soldiers. Sejun was confident in this, so when he spoke he wasn't surprised that the members of the Board were suddenly looking around at each other.

Everyone turned when the HOA spoke. He had been quiet the whole time. Robin Geong, fondly known outside the Board Room as ' _Tatang'_ , sat a little straighter and laced his hands together in front of his face as he spoke.

"Alright, agent," he began. "You know that what your team did was a blatant disrespect for the principles this agency stands on. The end result does not justify you breaking protocol and risking the exposure of this family. While I admire your dedication to the success of the mission, this is not something we take lightly."

" _However_..." and the man leaned forward slightly and smiled at Sejun. Even with just that smile, Sejun knew he had won. "You do make excellent arguments on how this agency should grow... and as always, I appreciate your insight."

The HOA heaved a deep sigh. "Alright, then. I move to revoke the suspension of agents Santos, Ajero, and de Dios. Instead, I move to suspend agent Nase for three months and recommend for him to continue with his psychological therapy."

Some members of the Board were uncomfortable, but they seemed to understand the wisdom coming from the HOA. And none of them wanted to question Tatang. So they eventually moved and approved the motion unanimously.

"With this, agent Nase, you are hereby suspended for three months. Your position as unit chief will be temporarily assigned to agent Santos. I'm tasking you to brief him with his responsibilities as temporary unit chief. Also, you must ensure that your members will learn to be more tempered... especially Ste-- _I mean_ , agent _Ajero_. Is that clear, agent?"

Sejun smiled and bowed to the HOA. "Understood, sir. _Thank you, sir_."

The meeting ended, Sejun temporarily surrendered his badge and ID to the staff, and walked out of the agency. But not before being given a hug and a proud pat on the shoulder from Tatang Robin.

* * *

Having nothing to do was... surprisingly a nice change of pace for Sejun. Without the pressures of the job on his mind, Sejun was able to wake up late the next morning. After his usual work-out and training routine, Sejun cooked a huge breakfast for himself---something he had not done in a long time. Then he stayed at home watching Netflix. 

By noon on the first day of his suspension, Sejun admitted that he was quite enjoying himself. He had all the time in the world to do things that he had left behind because he became too preoccupied with his job. 

He was able to go back to writing songs and playing guitar. He jogged in the area around his apartment complex. He played on the PS4 he hadn't opened yet since he bought it a year ago. He was even able to visit his family in Cavite who had always wondered what he did for a living, but never asked. And, after five long years, Sejun was finally able to eat his mom's homemade _Sinigang_.

* * *

" _No way_ ," Josh said over the phone. "No way am I going to agree to that. _No, thank you_."

Sejun laughed. He knew Josh wouldn't agree to Tatang's terms... at least not yet. Josh was the type who was stubborn and had an iron resolve, but would eventually be worn down if repeatedly asked.

"Josh, you know you're the only one who can do this job. Stell is a no-no, and Justin is too young. And I know how much you guys would hate having someone else from a different team come in and ruin the team dynamics."

"Then let's _all_ get suspended!" Josh joked, but meant it a little bit. "Seriously, Sejun. I don't think I can do what you do. It's... it's too much. _I'm sorry_."

"I'll be helping you every step of the way, Josh. And it's only until my suspension is lifted," Sejun explained. "You and I both know that this suspension is only for show. Just to prove to some members of the Board that Tatang isn't biased towards our team... even though he _is_ , a little bit.

"Josh, more than ever, I need you. _Please_..."

Josh was quiet before he spoke again. "You know exactly the words to use to get me to agree, don't you?"

"Why? Is it working?" Sejun asked, smiling. A little more and Josh would give in.

" _I don't know_ ," Josh replied. "My brain has temporarily shut down and I can't think straight."

There was a deep sigh on the other end of the line. Josh sounded tired. Not at all like the usual cocky and confident agent Sejun had worked with. _Of course, he would be tired_ , Sejun thought. Josh was human, too. And Sejun was grateful that Josh was being vulnerable to him, even if it wasn't in person. He knew Josh, while he made himself available for everyone, didn't share his burdens.

"How've you been?" Sejun asked him. 

"As okay as I can be as of the moment," Josh confessed. "It's hard, you know? Stell and Justin and Ken... they're looking up to us. But sometimes, I just don't want to deal with them. Sejun, _I'm not a leader_. I'm not like you."

"Okay, okay," Sejun said, feeling like he shouldn't add to whatever concerns Josh was having at that moment. He already owed him enough by leaving him to shepherd their team. He respected Josh. He wasn't going to push yet. "Can we talk about this once I get there?"

"Oh, _thank God_!" Josh sounded like he was so relieved to hear that from Sejun. "You're coming back? _When_?"

"Did you miss me that much?" Sejun teased.

"Haha, _you wish_ ," he replied. "It's... been a rough couple of days. Especially with Justin."

Sejun knew it was only a matter of time before he had to confront the loose ends of the mission again. Some time away may have given him space to breathe, but he couldn't run away from them forever.

"How is he?"

"Physically? You'd think he's some sort of self-healing monster," Josh chuckled. "He punched me once with his broken arm. It hurt like a _mother_."

Sejun chuckled. "He has... _always_ been resilient."

"But he's not... _completely_ fine, Sejun," he added. "He won't talk to us, and we don't want to force him. But he's... there's something in his eyes that tells me he's not okay. Like he's holding back. Sometimes, he talks in his sleep... and all he says is ' _sorry_ '. It's kind of unnerving."

It was just as Sejun expected. He had foreseen that Justin would have a hard time recovering, him being how he is and what he's been through. Justin may be strong, but he was also hard-headed and had the tendency to overburden himself with responsibility... maybe that was something he'd learned from spending so much time with Sejun?

And maybe that was why Sejun avoided going to Justin when he was still raw with his own emotional wounds. Justin's injuries reflected Sejun's mistakes. Seeing it in person was much worse than playing it over and over in his head. If he didn't leave for Manila, Sejun would have hated himself more.

The past two days to Sejun were a time to step away and hopefully gain enough strength to face Justin---and his own demons. He was far from okay himself. It would take some time for these kinds of wounds to heal. But he couldn't keep dragging his feet; not when Justin needed him. 

"Alright," Sejun finally said. "I'll book the first flight to Zamboanga tomorrow."

"And you're okay now?"

_Not completely_ , Sejun thought to himself. He wasn't as ' _okay_ ' as he wanted to be. But he wasn't going to get any better if he didn't face his problems head-on. No amount of overthinking and analysis was going to help. He could only take things one step at a time.

So no, Sejun was not okay. But Sejun was---and will always feel---responsible for his team. And he would always put his members before himself.

* * *

When Sejun arrived at Mav's house, the first person to greet him was Josh. The look of relief was so apparent on the man's face that Sejun could only hug him.

"Thanks, Josh," Sejun said, patting Josh in the back as they embraced.

"I'm just glad you're back," he replied. "Like... really, _really_ relieved."

Stell then joined in on them hugging, and almost tackled his two members to the ground. Sejun's members were loud and too bright early in the morning. Absolutely too loud and bright for Sejun... but only two days away from them had made him miss their brand of jovial. He was in his own safe haven in Manila. But he wasn't home until he was with his team.

Ken walked in on them just as he stepped out of Justin's room with a food tray. He looked at Sejun as Stell and Josh let him out of their bear hug. When Sejun arrived, Ken was quiet and it was as if he ignored Sejun on purpose. But now when Sejun smiled at him when their eyes met, Ken returned it sheepishly.

"How have you been, Ken?" Sejun asked.

Ken shrugged his injured shoulder, the bandages showing through his plain white shirt. "Takes more than this to kill me. You?"

"Takes more than that to kill me," Sejun repeated and Ken snickered. "How's Justin?"

" _Ah_..." Ken paused, looking at the floor, as if he was thinking of something. Then he looked at Sejun. "He was asking for you but... I told him I'd ask..."

"He _asked_ for Sejun?" Josh said.

"Well, I told him Sejun just arrived," said Ken. "I didn't know if leader wanted to talk so I told him I'd ask."

Josh looked at Ken and then at Sejun. "Think you'd be okay with that?"

Sejun took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah. I'd be fine." He crossed the short distance from the main door to Ken and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, Ken."

Ken gave a playful smirk---there was something about it that Sejun couldn't quite place---and turned to the kitchen without another word. It was strange, Sejun thought. Ken seemed like he was hiding something. Sejun would have asked about it but whatever that smirk meant wasn't going to help him talk to Justin. So rather than over analyzing it, Sejun just turned the doorknob.

Justin was awake when Sejun peered inside, sitting up on the bed and staring at the food in front of him. He looked a bit healthier. His cheeks had a rosy glow on them. He didn't seem to be bothered by his cast or the wound on his head. The injuries he's had looked almost healed. 

But Justin looked lost in thought. There was conflict going on in his head that was apparent in his face. He was overthinking about something. Sejun was sure of this because he himself looked that way many times.

For a split second, he wanted to run away. Something about the prospect of a confrontation that scared Sejun. He didn't know exactly what it was. Was it because he was afraid to be reminded of his own failures? Was it because he hadn't prepared anything at all, and it was against his nature to be less than ready?

Before he could stop himself and turn back, Sejun spoke. "Justin? Ken said you wanted to talk to me."

Justin turned to him and looked surprised, which Sejun thought was odd. He didn't talk or greet him. He only watched as Sejun approached and sat on the chair beside his bed. Justin didn't look at Sejun. He only kept staring at the bowl of porridge in front of him.

There was so much fear and shame in Justin's eyes that Sejun didn't think he seemed ready to talk. And he was breathing weirdly. Perhaps Ken had misheard Justin? Maybe he wasn't asking for Sejun, but was only asking about Sejun's arrival?

But... something was screaming at Sejun to talk. To say whatever. And this time, Sejun didn't second guess his instinct.

"Tatang sends his regards, you know... He's worried."

"Did you meet him at the Board Meeting?" Justin asked, still refusing to look at Sejun.

"Yeah..."

"Did they... did they say what they'd do about me?"

"Well, they gave strict instructions to take you back so you could recover in Manila..."

Justin gave a small smile. "That's... _great_..."

The smile felt forced to Sejun. He wanted to ask Justin what was wrong. But if Justin's behavior towards Josh and Stell were any indication, he wouldn't get a genuine response from Justin like that. Sejun decided to try a different approach.

"Oh... and they suspended me."

Justin's head snapped quickly at Sejun, eyes wide and knuckles white as he balled his hands into fists. " _What_?!"

Sejun smirked at him. "Yup... Three months vacation. Isn't that _great_?"

"Is this---Is this because... Did they---Is it _because of me_?"

"What? No, of course not," he replied. "It's because the police were involved, and because we had to ask Mav to do clean-up duties to cover our tracks back at the pier---"

"So it _is_ because of me!" Justin said. "It wouldn't have happened if I---"

"Justin, it's okay---"

" _Stop_!!! _Stop saying it's okay_!!! Because it _isn't_ , Sejun!!!"

That was all it took for Justin's eyes to well up with tears which he forced to blink back. The smile was gone, and all Sejun saw was fear coming from Justin. Justin's breathing started to hitch, and his hands trembled.

" _Hey_ , _hey_ \---" Sejun assured and stretched out his hand to touch Justin's shoulder. "Don't think about it too much, okay? You've been through too much... don't worry about it---"

"But _Sejun_!!!" Justin's voice was high-pitched and desperate. Sejun was a bit surprised at how frantic he became. Justin hid his face in his hands. "This is all _my_ fault..."

Justin was so emotional that it hurt Sejun physically to watch. But as much as Sejun wanted to console him, Sejun's more logical mind knew it was healthier for Justin to release the emotions he'd bottled up inside.

So he said, "Is it?"

" _It is_!!!" he exclaimed. " _And don't try to tell me it's not_!! _We both know that's not true_!! I ran off and caused trouble! It's _my fault_ that Ken got shot!! He got shot protecting _me_! And Josh and Stell---they---" Justin was already sobbing, "---they're hurt _because of me_! And _you_!! You're suspended _because of me_! I'm--- _I'm nothing but trouble_!"

Justin spoke in between sobs and sharp inhales of air. And it didn't seem as if he was done.

"I know---I _know_ you're going to tell me it's not my fault but--- _You don't understand, Sejun_!!! I _should have_ done better! I _should have_ been more careful! I _should have known_! Nothing is an excuse for what I did wrong. I put the _whole team_ in danger!!!"

"I just---I'm so _frustrated_ right now!!!" Justin said and grabbed a fistful of his hair. "I feel like---I feel like there's a bomb inside me that's going to explode at any second---and---I'm just--- _it's suffocating_!!! I don't know if I'm _going crazy_ or if I'm _losing my mind_ , I---"

Justin looked at Sejun, leaning forward and hands clutching at his shirt as if his heart was breaking in it, " _Sejun, I'm scared_!!! _I'm so scared, Sejun_!!! _I don't know what's going on_!!! _Sejun_ \---"

Justin continued to apologize and sob as Sejun pulled him into a tight hug. His words were drowned not only by his own sobs but Sejun's as well.

Sejun was at a loss for what to say. His heart was hurting so much he couldn't help but cry... not only because it was Justin, whose smile could light up the room, but because those were the exact words that he had kept telling himself for a while now.

'It's not an excuse, Sejun.' 'You should have done better, Sejun.' 'You're going crazy, Sejun.' Hearing it said to him felt as if it wasn't Justin but his own insecurities talking desperately to him. That scared little kid that Sejun had always tried to protect under his kevlar vest. But underneath his armor... Sejun bled.

And Sejun finally understood. He finally understood that he had been unkind to himself. Even after he said he would try, he still kept pointing accusing fingers at the person he saw in the mirror. And the demons taunting and haunting him were not formless dark shrouds... they were himself. His own thoughts, fears, and dissatisfaction whispering unkind words into his ear.

Sejun hugged Justin tighter when he stopped talking and just starting to bawl. Justin clutched Sejun's shirt as if he were a drowning man and Sejun was a lifeline. Justin cried for what seemed like a very long time... Sejun cried right there with him.

Sejun was on his knees on the mattress, Justin hugging his chest and stomach. His legs were aching, but he didn't move. They hugged in silence, their sobbing filling the room.

Eventually, Justin's sobs died down. Sejun continued to embrace him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. When they were both quiet, Sejun began to speak. And a part of him knew that he wouldn't just be talking to Justin, but to himself, too. 

"You've been through hell and back... and you came out of it alive. _That's strength_ , Justin. You've been strong and you've got to give yourself credit for that," he began. 

"What you're feeling? The fear, the hurt, the confusion? Those are the things that try to keep you in hell, but _they don't own you_. They can't keep you in hell if you don't let them. So _don't let them_ , Justin...

"I know---" Justin began to sob quietly again as Sejun spoke, "I know it's scary... and you feel like you're losing your mind because of everything that's happening... a lot of things you don't understand... I know what that's like... 

"But if everything inside you _hates you_ and _blames you_ and tries to _drag you down_... I want you to be kind, okay? Be kind to yourself... _Promise me_ , Justin," he said. Justin nodded against his chest slowly. He was quietly crying, still holding on to Sejun.

"And... I promise you, you won't be alone in this. _Not this time_ ," Sejun said. "I'll be right there with you. And we can... we can get through this together, alright? Don't shut us out... _Please_... Not me, or Josh, or Stell, or Ken. 

"You're not weak by asking for help, and you're not a burden," he continued and pulled himself away to look at Justin in the eyes. "It doesn't make you any less of a leader... it only makes you human..."

Justin's eyes widened. "Sejun... _are you_...?"

Sejun laughed in spite of the tears that fell from his eyes... hopefully the last of the tears he will cry about the matter. " _Yeah_... Yeah, I have my own whispers, too... So I get you..."

" _Oh_..." Justin could only say.

"Hey, at least you're in on the team secret. Josh and Stell already know," he joked.

Justin cracked a weak smile and Sejun wiped his face with the sleeve of his long-sleeved shirt.

"Is it... gonna take a while?" Justin asked after some time when Sejun had already sat down on the chair and Justin lay back on the bed. "Feeling like this, I mean."

Sejun shrugged. "I wish I knew how to answer that... I've been carrying mine for a long time."

" _Oh_ ," Justin said and looked as if he was given a life sentence.

" _Hey_ ," Sejun said and put a hand on Justin's shoulder, "it doesn't mean you're doomed for life, alright? You'll learn, you'll grow. Maybe not today... but eventually. And we'll all be here, okay? Count on us, too..."

Justin smiled at Sejun. It was the smile that he knew... the smile that lit up the room. "That's what Josh told me."

Sejun snorted. "Yeah... well... I wish we listened to him more often." 

Justin's eyelids looked like they kept closing over his eyes, so Sejun asked, "Do you feel like sleeping? I can take the food away and you can eat it later."

Justin nodded and closed his eyes. "Thanks, Sejun... and... _sorry_..."

"Hey..." he replied. His head automatically went to Justin's head to caress it. "That's the last time you apologize for this, okay? It's not your fault."

"... _Okay_..."

In a few seconds, Justin was snoring silently on the bed, eyes puffy and red. Sejun chuckled at this as he put the bed table on the floor. Justin was going to go through some more troubles, and he needed rest. But, unlike Sejun, Justin would have his team with him.

Sejun put a hand on Justin's head again and whispered, " _Thank you_..."

There was a soft creaking as the door turned on its hinges. Sejun smiled and turned back to the door, which was slightly open. Josh, Stell, and Ken were piled on top of one another as if to eavesdrop on Sejun and Justin's conversation.

"Are you guys really agents? You're all _sloppy_ ," he said and sat down beside Justin again. Embarrassed, the trio stood up and opened the door fully. One by one, they entered the room to crowd around Justin's bed.

"Sorry, we couldn't help but overhear," said Stell, approaching Justin. "Justin was... kind of loud." There were tears in his eyes, too. And Sejun was sure they had been listening closely.

Stell was patting Justin on the head when Sejun saw Ken move stealthily around the group to pick up the bed table and make his way out of the room. 

" _Ken_ ," Sejun called as Ken started walking out. Ken turned to him with a blank expression. "Justin didn't ask for me, did he?"

Ken smirked at him, the same smirk as before.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said and went out, closing the door behind him. Sejun didn't even get the chance to thank him.

Josh stood beside Sejun and gave his leader a reaffirming squeeze on the shoulder. "Justin will be alright..." 

Sejun only nodded as he stared at the sleeping youngest member. "Not today... but _someday_ , yeah. He'll be alright..."

And after saying that, Sejun finally started to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> used a title to my other work. i couldn't resist.


	13. i do not step on holy ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last official chapter before epilogue

**TENTH BULLET: i do not step on holy ground**

" _He'll be alright_ ," Sejun said.

And because Sejun said it, Stell believed it. Justin would heal; Sejun would, too. Josh would always be their reliable older brother and Stell... Stell would make sure _nobody_ else messes with their rag-tag family.

For the next few days, Stell watched as his team members started to pick up their own broken pieces and put them together again. Justin was steadily recovering physically. And while he still had nightmares, Josh, Stell, and Sejun made sure that they would be awake every single time he had them. 

Justin eventually became more open to talking about his trauma and the dark thoughts in his head. He would tell Stell about how he felt like he was drowning most of the time; how he felt useless and incompetent next to his older brothers in the team. That he felt like he should work harder not to fail them. 

In the past, Stell would have been incredulous, and would have told Justin that he was not useless and incompetent. But after observing Josh and Sejun deal with Justin, Stell learned to just let Justin talk without trying to get him to change his mind. And when Justin would cry---Justin _always_ cried---Stell would hold his hand or give him a hug and tell him that Stell would always be there for him.

Sejun was recovering, too. Stell would sometimes see Sejun stare at Josh, Stell, and Justin with a pensive look. He would start breathing deeply and smile as he gives himself a gentle pat on the chest. When Stell asked him about it once, Sejun said it was something that he had come to realize: that he had to be kind to himself. Stell cried that time, because it had been something that he had been telling Sejun for a while. Sejun teased him for crying, but thanked him anyway. Then, he gave Stell a hug.

But the biggest surprise for Stell was Josh. Josh had become more willing to speak up for himself and for the group. Stell had always thought that Josh was leader material. He was different from Sejun, of course; but Josh had command and charisma. He had always been a reluctant leader, however, and always took the back seat after Sejun or anybody else who was willing to take the wheel.

Stell never asked why, and he knew Josh liked to keep his cards close to his chest. He guessed it was because Josh never really liked responsibility. But over the next few days, Josh became more of Sejun's co-pilot, rather than his crew member. And it amazed Stell how one mission had caused such a big change in his friend.

* * *

On their last night in Zamboanga, Y was giving them last-minute instructions about caring for Justin for the next few days. She had been adamant that they personally look after him, even if Justin would be cared for by other doctors once they return to Manila.

X and Y had been visiting often just to check on Justin and Ken's injuries. Stell had grown quite fond of the doctor, and she's taught Stell a lot about first aid and basic medical training. It was surprising that Stell would like someone affiliated with "enemies of the law", but even Josh says that the doctor was very likable. Josh wouldn't admit it, but Stell could see how he was smitten with Y.

"Alright. I think you're good to go," Y told Justin. The smile on her lips was wide, and she looked at their youngest with as much adoration as everyone else on the team. Then she took Justin in her arms and hugged him tight. Justin had become everyone's favorite baby boy, and even Mav and X became attached to him. Y more so, as she had been seeing and talking to him every night. 

"Easy, babe. You're acting like a mother giving away your daughter to be wed," X teased.

"But _he is my baby, now_!" Y exclaimed, then pointed to Stell and added, " _And he is my son, too_!"

X and Mav laughed at her, saying that she had known them barely for a week. She only pouted and said that she loves them as if they had known each other since the beginning. Stell couldn't help but blush at this; he actually liked Y and her mothering.

"And _you_!" Y said, pointing her finger at Sejun and Josh, whom she had started calling 'Uncles One and Two'. "You had better update me. Weekly, at least. If you don't, I'll fly to Manila and make you sorry!"

Sejun and Josh sweat-dropped, not knowing how to handle Y. And when she hugged them, their faces both turned deep red as they awkwardly returned the hug. Stell thought it was cute. Their family of four had grown since they met Ken. Or more accurately, their family and Ken's family had melded into one.

Yes, everyone seemed to start moving forward bit by bit... _almost_ everyone. As a master marksman, Stell was good at noticing when people who moved, stood still, or stayed behind. In this case, it was Ken.

Stell had started to notice Ken distance himself since Sejun and Justin talked. Stell's alarm had started ringing the moment he left the room after the conversation happened. Since then, he wouldn't stay in a place with where it was just ' _him'_ and ' _the four of them'_. The more Stell thought about it, the more he started to believe Ken was detaching.

Stell became sure of his hunch later on their last night at Mav's. They were lounging in the living room, watching a superhero movie that Justin had insisted on watching. Mav had driven X and Y home while he met some "clients", as he put it. Everyone was enjoying the movie, chipper that Justin had gotten back some of his joy, when Stell noticed Ken go out of the house through the back door.

Sejun had invited Ken to watch with them but he declined. Curious, Stell excused himself from the movie and followed Ken to the back porch. He found the other man sitting on one of the outdoor chairs, calmly puffing a cigarette. The scene would have been beautiful if it wasn't so sad.

Ken must have been so into his thoughts that he didn't hear Stell close the screen door behind him. Feeling playful, Stell snuck up behind Ken and grabbed the cigarette right out of his fingers, surprising him.

" _What the fuck_!" Ken exclaimed, jumping. He turned to see who the intruder was and gave Stell a dirty look. "For the love of---! _Will you quit jumpscaring people_?! _Geez_!"

Stell laughed for a good few seconds before snuffing out the cigarette on the ashtray. "You know, your lungs won't thank you for this."

"Well, they're not complaining," he replied curtly.

Ken's body language shifted, and Stell noticed that he had become guarded as Stell sat down next to him. Perhaps he knew that Stell noticed something? He was quiet, trying to end a conversation before it started. But Stell didn't let him.

"I hate it when people leave," he started. 

There was laughter coming from inside the house. Ken looked behind them before turning to Stell. "Oh, yeah?"

Stell nodded. "Yup... I hate it when people leave without saying good bye. I hate it even more when people don't say they're leaving in the first place."

Ken scoffed. He was already taking another cigarette from its box on the table. "I'm not sure why you're telling me this..."

"I feel like you're leaving."

The ghost lit the cigarette that he had put between his lips. He took one deep inhale and laughed, smoke coming out of his mouth. "I'm not leaving..." Ken began. " _You_ are..."

"Wait, you're not going back to Manila with us?"

"Not yet..." he replied. "I'll stay here with Mav for a little while and... I dunno... _chill_ , I guess."

Ken was about to take another puff of smoke when Stell snatched his cigarette again and put it off.

" _Would you stop doing that_?!"

" _No_!" Stell said. "Because it's not healthy for you! And be honest with me, you're only doing this because you're stressed. You haven't smoked throughout the mission. If you did, I would have smelled it."

For emphasis, Stell grabbed the box of cigarettes and chucked it into the garden.

" _Hey_!" Ken looked incredulously at Stell. " _What the hell do you want from me Stell_?"

Stell looked at Ken straight in the eyes. "Honesty."

At this, the other man laughed. "You're asking for honesty from someone who has lived a dishonest life... Now _that's_ funny."

"You're pretty honest with us, though."

"All part of the job," he said. "Which, by the way, I expect I will be compensated for."

Stell grimaced at him. "We already sent the money in cash to the address you gave, as you requested. That was two weeks ago."

"Oh... _right_."

"You're pushing me away right now, aren't you?" Stell asked, but it wasn't really a question. It was a realization. A small, devilish smile slowly made its way to his lips. "You're trying to keep the transaction ' _professional_ ' so that the conversation doesn't get personal."

Ken's eyes widened at he looked at Stell. He looked like a little kid who got caught in a white lie. " _Was not_!"

"Yes, _you were_!" Stell asserted and slapped his own thigh, laughing. "Oh, my gosh. That's cute, _Felip_!"

Ken waved his hands in frustration. " _Gah_ , you're annoying! _Whatever_! You got me. _So what_?!"

"I just wanted to know why you're thinking this way... I mean, after everything we've been through together..."

" _Look_ ," Ken said, letting out an exasperated sigh, "I'm a ghost. It doesn't make sense for me to tie myself to a group permanently."

"What, you're not allowed to have friends? What about X and Y and Mav?"

"They're different. They're... just _different_ , okay?" he said. "They know me and I'm already... Just... _I don't know_... I just don't belong in your group, _okay_?"

It was Stell's turn to give him an incredulous look. "What? How do you figure that?"

Ken grabbed his hair out of frustration. Stell found it funny that he was finding it so hard to express himself. But he was trying anyway. 

"I'm... _Okay_... I'm the third party asset, right? I'm that guy the good cops go to but don't really need. After this, we're gonna go our separate ways, you're gonna keep doing your agency stuff and I'm probably never gonna see any of you guys again... Well, except for Cullen or Josh or _whatever his name is._..! Anyway...!

"You guys... you're a tight team and all... I don't... I'm not a part of that, alright? I'm just... the _guest_ or something, so... you don't have to make me feel like you want me around... well, I'm not sure if you wanna see me again anyway---"

"Wait, _stopstopstopstop_!" Stell said and he let out a laugh. "I didn't ask for your inner monologue. A simple 'I'll miss you even if I don't want to' would have sufficed."

"Who said I'll---"

Stell cut Ken off by leaning over to him and giving him a warm hug and patting him on the head. Caught off guard, Ken froze. "There, there, Felip..."

They stayed like that until Stell felt Ken relax in his embrace. When he pulled away, he punched Ken on the shoulder (" _Ow_?" Ken said) and told him, "If it's any consolation, I think you and I would make a great pair in the field. So... don't say you won't see us again because you _definitely_ will. Josh knows where you live."

"Ugh, stop being so sappy," Ken said. "Just g-go away."

The stutter at the end of his statement told Stell that Ken had a lot to think about. And he probably should. It made Stell smile to know that he actually liked the team and wanted to see them again, but was just having trouble expressing it. Or maybe _acknowledging_ it was the more accurate term.

Stell hoped that his statement would get through to Ken. Because he did like how Ken worked. He was a great, albeit weird, addition to the team. Like a secret weapon that gave their team an upgrade. But Stell wouldn't say it... not _yet_. Ken would have to accept that he did fit right in with them, and decide for himself if he wanted to stay.

So he left Ken to think on the porch after patting him on the head.

When Stell re-joined the others in the living room, they were all curious about Ken's muffled screaming and Stell's laughter.

"You'd better not be bullying Ken," Josh warned him.

"Not at all. We were just making plans," Stell had told them. "I'm hoping we'd be teaming up with Ken again soon."

"I'd like that," Justin said. Sejun and Josh both agreed.

* * *

_I'm not leaving. You are._

_That's great, Ken. You just had to say that shit to Stell's face. Why didn't you just ask him to take you in the group like a lost puppy_?

Ken kicked the bushes in Mav's garden, desperately searching for his cigarette box. But Stell had a real strong throwing arm and Ken didn't even see which direction the box went.

Ken crouched on the ground, pulling his hair, and sighed. He needed a nicotine fix. He needed a drink. He needed to think. He _needed_...

He could hear laughter from inside the house again. Somehow, just hearing it made him want to laugh, too. But he didn't want to see anyone at the moment. So Ken sat on the porch by himself and waited for them all to go to sleep.

* * *

Ken woke up because someone was poking his cheek.

"I'll get up in a bit," he said but it came out like gibberish baby talk out of his mouth. The other person kept poking.

"Ken, it's almost time for us to leave..." whispered a voice.

_Leaving? Wait... Shit!_

Ken shot up immediately and looked around. He was still on the porch---he had apparently slept there the entire night because it was already _fucking_ _morning_ when he looked around---and Justin was kneeling next to him, smiling.

" _What the fuck_ ," he cursed and rubbed his sleepy eyes. "What time is it?"

"Time for you to _get up_!" Justin joked. 

He reached behind Ken and pulled out a pillow. _Strange_ , Ken thought. What was a pillow doing there? But when he looked down, there was also a blanket that covered him, as well as two other pillows on the floor.

" _What the heck_?!"

"Ah, _those_ ," Justin said, gesturing to the bedding around him. "You were sleeping so soundly that we didn't want to wake you. So we just put the pillows and the blankets and stuff. Mav said he didn't mind."

" _Oh_ ," he could only say. Because what could he say exactly when they were being nice to him? "Are you all ready now? Is X here with the truck?"

Justin nodded. "Yep. The others are just loading all our equipment. Then we'll drop those off at the dock and head straight to the airport."

"Alright," Ken said, wincing as he stood up. His back felt stiff from lying on the wooden floor... but it really _was_ nice of them to give him pillows and a blanket.

Ken gathered the things he slept on in one hand and headed to the door.

"Hey... _Ken_...?" Justin called. Ken paused with his hand hovering over the screen door's handle. "I never got the chance to thank you... for everything up until now."

Ken's free hand involuntarily went to the back of his head to scratch. Weird, because he's only seen that happen in anime. So it did release some nervous tension.

" _Uh_... As I said, half of this is my fault so..."

Justin shook his head and smiled widely at Ken. "Nah, it's not just that. You stuck it out 'til the end. You helped all of the members, and even took care of them even if you didn't need to... And Sejun told me you got him to talk to me, so... _thank you_."

"I got Sejun suspended, though..."

"Yeah, you and I both," Justin said. Then, he leaned in closer to Ken as if to whisper a close-kept secret. "But we're the youngest members of the team so we can mess up somewhat and the older ones _aren't allowed to get mad_."

Ken laughed, remembering he said something like that to Justin once. "Alright, Justin... I'll accept your thanks."

"And don't worry about Sejun. He says his suspension is only for show and that it'll be lifted pretty soon."

"What about you?" Ken asked. "Plans for when you go back to Manila? Besides healing your bummed arm, of course..."

Justin raised his cast. "Sejun said... I should consult with a professional. He says he'll refer me to someone."

"Ah... his _shrink_ ," Ken said, nodding. "That's great, Justin... I'm... _uh_... happy for you... and I'll see you around... I guess...?"

"Oh... _right_...! About that, Ken," Justin said. He reached for his left back pocket and pulled out a worn out piece of paper. "I've had this for a while and when I saw it again this morning, I thought about you... Remember when you said you want to spar with me?"

Ken nodded.

"And remember when I said it would be nice to train with someone?" Ken nodded again, feeling a bit nervous as to why Justin kept asking him these questions. "Well, I meant what I said..."

"And I don't understand a thing... Sorry, my brain works differently when I've just woken up."

Justin just laughed at him and handed him the folded up, crumpled piece of paper. "You don't have to if you don't want to... but..."

Ken took the piece of paper, Justin beaming excitedly at him. With one hand, he unfolded the page carefully and read the words in big, bold letters that caught his attention first.

**TRAINEE RECRUITMENT FORM**   
_**Written Consent and Application** _

Ken's brain short-circuited and his heart stopped for a split second. 

_What the fuck_... _What the fuck_. 

"What the _actual_ fuck?"

"Yes, Ken. You already said the 'f' word thrice and I heard you the first time," Justin said, smiling his gummy smile at Ken.

"No, I mean..." Ken looked at the paper then at Justin. " _Why_?"

"I just... I think you're a nice person. The team works well with you around," Justin began. "And it's about time someone around _my age_ joined the agency!"

"Sorry, _hold up_!" Ken said, holding his hand over Justin's face to stop him. He was too exuberant in the morning and Ken felt himself getting a headache. "You know what I do for a living, right?"

"Yes."

"And you're inviting me to join you in your agency?"

" _Yes_!"

"I'm not exactly a law-abiding citizen."

"Josh sometimes ignores speed limits and Stell keeps shooting more people than necessary. What's your point?"

Ken only stared at Justin. No, he was not a morning person. And definitely not one who could think so early in the morning.

"You don't have to give me an answer now," Justin said. "Just... promise me you'll think about it, _okay_? I'll still look forward to sparring with you even if you say you don't want to apply."

Justin went ahead of him, going back inside the house, while Ken just stood there staring at the recruitment form in his hands. He was trying to process what had just happened--- _they want to adopt you, Felip_ , he thought to himself---but nothing was sinking in.

* * *

Ken and Candy drove the quartet to the airport after taking their equipment to the dock for shipping. It was just about the same as how they arrived: quietly and inconspicuously. With the exception of Justin's obvious injury and the way the older ones crowded around him, nobody would think that the four of them were highly-skilled soldiers who just busted a drug lord. The four of them just looked like a group of tired friends going home after their vacation.

"So I guess this is where we see you off," Candy said, reaching out a hand to shake Sejun's. Sejun took it and nodded.

"We really appreciate everything you've done for us, X. You, too, Ken," Sejun said. "Are you sure you don't want to go back to Manila with us?'

Ken shook his head. "It's been a while since I've been home. I should stay a while longer."

"I understand that."

"Take care of yourself, Sejun," Ken told him.

Sejun smiled and eyed Ken knowingly. "I'll see you around, Ken. And... I do hope you consider Justin's invitation."

Ken's eyes widened and he looked cautiously at Candy, who only snickered. "You know about that?"

"I'm the unit chief, Ken," Sejun said, shrugging. "Nothing _ever_ happens in this team without my knowing it. Think about that, too, as you're considering."

When Sejun turned his back to join his team, Josh, Stell, and Justin were all looking expectantly at Ken. It was the look that made Ken think about all the times they had made him feel welcomed... and all the times Ken didn't accept their kindness. Suddenly, the paper in his back pocket felt a hundred times heavier.

Was that how being trusted felt like? And trusting people in return? It was like getting harpooned in the chest and bound to those who couldn't be more different to Ken. But even though Ken stuck out like a sore thumb within that bunch, they were inviting him anyway.

There was a dull ache in Ken's heart that wasn't there before as he turned away from them without saying goodbye. It felt uncomfortable that it was even there in the first place. It felt intrusive and alien. But also nice and warm. Like hot chocolate on a rainy day. Ken liked hot chocolate on rainy days, but would rather die than tell anyone. It felt _exactly_ like that.

And it was _scary_... because it was so new. It wasn't something that Ken knew how to deal with. The more he thought about it, the more the feeling became real. 

Without even knowing it, Ken had started to dig deeply again. Deep enough to see what was going on. And what he found were roots... _Something_ was taking root inside Ken that was slowly growing.

"You like them, don't you?" Candy asked as she drove them back to Mav's rest house. Ken looked out the window, not answering. "It's okay... I like them, too."

"They... invited me," he confessed, not looking at her. "Or, at least, _Justin_ did. And Sejun, too, _I think_..."

"And are you thinking about it?"

Ken leaned back on the seat, head on the head rest. " _I am_..."

Candy snickered. "Well, if you're thinking about it this much, you should do it."

" _But_ \---" Ken started and turned on his side towards Candy. "---what if it's too different with an agency? What if... what if I don't work well with rules? What if they realize that they shouldn't have taken me in, after all?"

"You deal with it, I guess," Candy said bluntly. "But for now, all of those are just ' _what if_ 's'."

"Yeah, but what if---"

" _Felip_ ," she said, sparing him a loving glance. "You can't push people away just because you're scared they might not like you. It doesn't work like that."

" _I'm not pushing them away_!"

" _You are_ ," she replied. "You're rejecting them with all your 'what if's' so they can't reject you first. I guess... that's what we've been doing since the beginning, so I can't really blame you. But those guys? Those guys seem to genuinely like you."

Ken became quiet. For them to like him was extremely unreasonable. It was too good to be true that people as nice as them would like someone as contrary as Ken. And that's what made him uneasy... because how could they like someone who was the exact opposite of who they were? 

Perhaps... they didn't mind that Ken was the way he is: weird, blunt, and often misunderstood? He wished he had the guts to ask them just, to quiet his questions. But he wasn't that brave.

Ken was still thinking about everything when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Then, it buzzed again. And _again_ , and _again_... repeatedly until it became too annoying. So Ken took out his phone to check who the fuck was messaging him.

To his surprise, it wasn't just one person but _three_.

**From: Cullen**

Ecclesiastes 4

  
**From: +639xxxxx7777**

Hey, this is Justin. Josh  
gave me your contact.  
This is my secured personal #.  
Think about the application,  
okay? See you around. 😃

Thanks again for everything.  
Tell Mom Y I said hello.

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

Got your number from  
Josh this is Stell~~  
🍓🍓🍓

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

Justin tells me he asked  
you to apply Apply now now  
itd be fun

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

Were at the gate now  
theres too many people  
here lezgetit 😅🤙

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

I always think about how  
people dont know what  
we do for them kukukuku  
🤔🤔🤔

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

Sejun says hi

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

?

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

YOUD BETTER APPLY  
OR I WILL HUNT YOU  
DOWN FELIP  
😡😡😡

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

Kidding see you  
were boarding now  
🤟

  
**From: +639xxxxx4077**

its polite to reply  
you know

" _What the_ \---?"

Candy only laughed at him. "Well, if that's who I think it is then I guess you have your answer."

Ken gave her a dirty look, hating how she knew exactly how he thought before he did. But she was right. He had been keeping them at arm's length to spare himself these intrusive feelings. And now... they were the ones reaching out. Did that mean it was okay?

With his hands sweating strangely, Ken replied to all the messages except for Stell's multiple senseless texts. It was going to be something new for Ken. It was going to take some getting used to. It was probably even going to hurt _like fuck_ someday. But right at that moment, that level of uncertainty, Ken could deal with that.

**Replying to: Cullen**

🖕

  
**Replying to: +639xxxxx7777**

yeah, am thinking about it.  
take care of yourself. x says  
hello.

  
**Replying to: +639xxxxx4077**

for the love of all that's  
holy, take a few notes  
from sejun and use  
punctuation marks!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i'm writing this, i became lonely. can't believe it's ending. i'll post the epilogue tomorrow.
> 
> [ken as a secret agent]
> 
> Agent Profile: Ken  
> Agent No.: SB-0838  
> Full name: [REDACTED]  
> Age: [REDACTED]  
> Assignment: Field Agent (Probationary)  
> Background: Third-Party Asset [OTHER DETAILS REDACTED]  
> Stengths: Hand-to-hand combat, Shooting (short- and mid-range)  
> Other Notes: Has potential, but is kind of weird


	14. epilogue: boy, do not walk alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epilogue  
> i finally decided to make an au twt account: @/r4m3nlvr_19

**epilogue: boy, do not walk alone**

Justin didn't blink, eyes trained on his opponent. Neither of them were moving yet. They were both waiting, testing out every minute movement that the other made. Justin's heart beat rapidly in his chest. One wrong move meant _certain death_.

Justin crossed his right leg behind his left, ever so slowly, still not breaking eye contact with the other man.

_Is he going left? Right? Is it a straight? Jab?_

"Scared?"

"You _wish_ ," Justin replied.

Justin moved swiftly and rammed his shoulder into his opponent, the two of them moving backward. But the other man used his foot to stop himself from toppling over. Then, with brute force, he grabbed Justin's waistband-- _that's against the rules_! Justin protested in his mind--pulled him up, and slammed him back on the floor.

The force was so strong that Justin's head spun upon impact. Suddenly, his opponent was on top of him, knuckles raised, ready to punch.

_Shit, certain death_! thought Justin, closing one eye as he winced.

Ken only smiled cockily and tapped his knuckle on Justin's jaw.

" _Certain death to Justin_!" Stell cried out and shot Justin on the thigh with his airgun. "That makes it 3-1, _Ken wins_."

It had been four months after the nightmare in Zamboanga. It took some time, but Justin finally felt that he was getting closer to being 'okay'. His body had started healing on its own, while he and his team worked towards putting their own spirits together.

Josh had eventually succumbed to Sejun's pleading to take the temporary unit chief position. He had been reluctant at first, not knowing how it would change the team's dynamics. But Sejun, Stell, and Justin all assured him that they trusted him. And their trust wasn't put to waste as Josh eventually grew to fill in the leader role. He was firm but kind. Flexible but only just. And he knew when to take risks. Justin never told him, but he was becoming somewhat of a role model to Justin and a celebrity to the new recruits.

Meanwhile, Stell took on a more active role in training the newbies. Specifically, he was the main martial arts and shooting instructor for a handful of potential agents. When he wasn't out in the field, he was in the training rooms shouting commands and shooting people with his airgun. Justin couldn't think of a more befitting role for Stell; he just hoped none of the new recruits inherit his knack for overkill.

Ken, on the other hand, finally decided to join the agency after mulling it over for two weeks. Justin liked to think it was due to his and Stell's constant badgering that Ken finally filled in the application form. And good thing, too. Because as soon as he took the practical examination, the Board had been impressed by his skills and he was promoted from recruit to probee on the spot. And, as if he was always meant to be there, Ken eased into the group and became more comfortable working with them.

With Josh's clout as temporary unit chief, Ken was given the vacant slot as probationary field agent in their team, Stell as his supervising agent. Justin had opted to remain as technical analyst in the meantime, while he was still recovering from his injuries--physical and emotional. He still had nightmares and vivid flashbacks, after all. But over the months he had learned that all he needed to do was call on his team and one or two of them would come knocking at his door even in the middle of the night to comfort him.

"Alright! _I win_! _You're_ buying dinner!" Ken celebrated, raising his hands in the air.

" _Not fair_!" Justin complained, taking the hand Ken held out and pulling himself up. "Stell, _he grabbed my waistband_! You saw that!"

Stell, who was watching from outside the ring, only pouted at him. "Why? Did I say there were rules against that?"

" _But_ \--!"

"C'mon, Jah. Just accept that dinner is on _you_!" Ken teased, wrapping one sweaty arm around Justin's shoulders.

Justin looked at Ken sourly. He wiped the sweat on his upper lip with the collar of his shirt before saying, "I'll win next time."

"That's what you said _last time_ ," Ken said and pulled in his head for a noogie. "Stop over analyzing my movements. I could practically see the gears in your head turning."

Justin watched Stell join them up on the ring and hand them both face towels. He did a little dance before patting them both on the head.

"Ken's right, Justin," Stell said. "I keep telling you that no amount of head knowledge will work if you don't start using your _gut_." He punched Justin lightly on the stomach for emphasis.

Justin looked down on the floor, thinking again. "Okay... I'll... I'll remember that next time."

" _Ei_ ~~ Don't feel too bad," Ken told him. "You're still better than me at shooting."

"But you got your license while you're a _probee_. I got mine while I'm already a full-fledged agent."

Ken laughed. "Only because Josh pulled some strings, justifying I was needed on the field _ASAP_."

"Speaking of _Josh_..." Stell said, pointing to the doorway of the training room.

Josh walked into the room calmly, a cup of coffee on one hand and folders on the other. He smirked when he saw them.

"Who won?"

Ken stood up straight and did a faux salute. "I did, commander Josh, _sir_!"

" _Sir_!" Stell and Justin joined in.

" _Fuck you guys_ ," Josh said, putting the coffee cup on the ring's surface and slid each of them the folders in his hand. "You're forgetting that as of today, I am _finally_ free from my temp unit chief duties?"

" _He's here_?!" Stell asked.

"Upstairs, briefing room," Josh told them. "That's why you all need to get your asses up there or he'll come down here."

"Oh, _shit_!" Ken exclaimed, picking up the shirt he had thrown carelessly to the side.

Justin smiled. Sejun was officially returning that day. It was a day they all waited patiently for, even if it did take one month longer than expected.

Sejun took his time healing. Justin knew this because he and Sejun often went to group therapy together. Sejun had a lot of emotional baggage--even more than Justin or his team knew about. So when he requested for a month-long leave after his suspension, none of them questioned it.

He was still very visible in their lives, however; be it over the telecom or meeting outside the agency. From the sidelines, he made sure that Josh's questions were answered, Stell's behavior was tempered, and Justin and Ken's potentials were developed. And when he was on his own, Justin learned that he spent most of his time immersed in his music and his writing.

Sejun was returning after four months; but Justin honestly didn't think of it as him coming back after leaving. On the contrary, it was more like a family member was coming home. Justin liked to think that Josh, Stell, and even Ken would agree with him.

The four of them hastily made their way upstairs. Justin and Ken no longer bothered to change out of their training clothes, reasoning that Sejun's wrath was scarier than pneumonia. When they got to the briefing room, Sejun was already sitting at his designated seat.

"You're _all_ late," he noted. Sejun looked happier, his eyes brighter, and his smile more genuine as he greeted them. Stell and Justin sat at Sejun's left while Josh and Ken to his right.

" _I'm_ not late," Josh said, "I just fetched these losers from the training room."

"So who's buying dinner?" Sejun asked them, smirking.

" _Justi~~n_ ," Ken teased from across Justin on the table. Justin stuck his tongue out at Ken.

"Alright, kids. Knock it off," Stell warned. But then his face turned into a smile, "Justin, I'm feeling like _samgyup_ tonight."

" _Just sharing_?" Justin said, raising one eyebrow.

Sejun rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger. "I can't believe I missed you guys."

Ken laughed. " _As if_!"

"Shut up, _probee_ ," Sejun told him off. "Anyway, we've got a new mission right at the beginning of my comeback. You've all got the files, right?"

Josh immediately started explaining the details of the mission. Before, Sejun took on all the admin work by himself. But that time, Josh had given him a hand... and perhaps for the foreseeable future, too. Josh gave introductions, and Sejun added input every now and then. Justin felt very secure having two capable commanders.

When they started to brainstorm, it was like a pingpong session of ideas. Sejun would give an suggestion, Josh and Stell would add to it. Ken would question it, and Justin would give his two cents. While this was how it had always been, Justin felt like it was still different with both Sejun and Ken around. If not different, complete.

Justin smiled to himself.

"Someone's excited to buy us dinner, I think," Sejun commented in the middle of the meeting. He looked at Justin, teasing.

"I have a list of people who owe me money," Justin said. "And yet here you are asking _me_ to buy you dinner."

" _C'mon, Justin_ ~~ Think of it as a 'Welcome Back, Sejun' party!" Stell said.

"Hm... I _do_ feel like eating samgyup tonight," Sejun said, pretending to think.

" _Wait, wait_. We aren't done yet," Josh said.

"Oh, loosen up, _grandpa_ ," Ken mocked. "We'll figure the mission out. We _always_ do."

"Looks like someone's finally getting in on the spirit of teamwork?" Sejun teased Ken. Ken only grimaced at him, blushing.

"It sucks to be the only rational person here." Josh shook his head, but smiled as he closed the folder in front of him. "I guess we just continue the meeting at the samgyup place, then!"

Ken rubbed his hands together. " _Alrighty_ ~~! Samgyup here we come!"

Justin pretended to grumble as they all got on Sejun's car. He pretended to complain that they were all bullying him for being the youngest. He even pretended to sulk because they were having him pay for the entire thing. But if he were being honest, he didn't really mind.

No. Justin didn't mind if it were these people. Sejun, with his steadfast leadership. Josh, with his emotional strength. Stell, with his optimism and talent. Ken, with his out-of-this world wit and instinct. Knowing this, neither debt nor danger, not even death, scared Justin. They were unit SB-19, after all. And Justin could always count on this team. He could always count on this family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as of writing, this fic has gained 280+ hits. and while i'm sure a lot of those are my own (i like reading and re-reading what i wrote), i'd also like to thank everyone who had gone on this journey with me.
> 
> what started out as a self-indulgent fic brought me here... to watching the characters i wrote grow and beat demons that a lot of us are facing. as they have overcome these, i hope we all do, too.
> 
> thank you for everything. see you on my next work.
> 
> this has been 'the sound of a bullet cuts through silence' and r4m3nlvr (ra-men-lo-ver). 
> 
> ps: if you comment your twt handle below, i'll follow you. see you on twt. :)


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